Instinct

I'm committed!

Yet I can't seem to find the security I need.

I'm not asking for a lot. I just want to feel loved and cared for.

But that's not what I'm feeling.

Call it paranoia, I prefer to call it instinct.

I can't seem to shake this feeling off that something is happening.

Something that will eventually hurt me.. Deeply.

My instinct is usually right.

This time, I hope I'm way off target.

I hope...

Resolution (Yeah Right!)

I've been thinking of a resolution since it's a new year, but I can't think of any! I wrote down down some stuffs but I don't think I can do 'em..

1. Quit smoking - This has been on my New Year's resolution for like 5 years now! But I can't stop! My system is constantly craving for nicotine! Hehe. So much for will-power!Ü

2. Stop drinking alcoholic beverages - Yeah right! As if I can do this one! Goodluck to me!

3. Stop spending too much - No comment!

4. Be productive at work - I'm trying... I just hope this dedication stays for the whole year!

5. Go home and visit my family - This one, I truly will. By hook or by crook, I will visit my family!

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Happy New Year sa'kin!Ü

I got myself a present....

Isang napakalaking stuffed dog!

'Tis the Season..

Nang dumating ako sa office kagabi, nakita ko na karamihan sa agents e nagkukumpulan sa harap ng kwarto ko. Parang may sinisilip.

Parang may shooting lang ah!

"Anong meron?" tanong ko.

"Sir, may napakalaking gift sa table mo!"

"Ha?"

"Naks! May secret admirer si sir!"

"Asus! Tigilan na 'yan. Mag log-in na at mag take na kayo ng calls"

"Sir, buksan mo muna yung gift mo para makita namin!"

"Baka galing sa kuya ko, padala sa'kin for Christmas."

"Ahh...."

'Pag pasok ko sa room, dali-dali kong sinara ang pinto at ni-lock. Ang hindi alam ng agents ko, galing sa akin mismo yung regalo.

Oo. Pinadalahan ko ang sarili ko ng regalo. Siyempre, alam na alam ko ang laman. Isang pares ng itim na medyas na inilagay sa napakalaking karton. Regalo ko sa sarili ko ngayong Pasko. Ayoko mang aminin, pero naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Almost 5 years ko nang sine-celebrate ang Pasko ng mag-isa dito sa Pilipinas. And since last week, puro exchange gift nalang ang ginagawa ng mga agents sa production floor. Ang mas nakakainggit, hindi ako kasali. Para sa mga agents lang daw kasi 'un.

Fine! Kung ayaw nila akong isali e di huwag! Pero deep inside, nakakalungkot. May nere-receive man akong mga gift every Christmas, either panyo or picture frame palagi. Hindi naman sa nagco-complain ako, ang sa akin lang, alam mong hindi pinag isipan yung regalo.

OK lang naman sa akin yung panyo, kasi lagi naman ako nawawalan ng panyo. Pero mas OK sana kung, yung gift sa akin e from the heart. Ang hirap i-explain. Basta.

I'm not asking for an expensive gift or anything. I just want something that truly matters. Like what I said, yung tipong from the heart. I'm not sure what it is, pero something that will mean "deep". Yung tipong ganun. Haay.

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Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way..

Oh what fun, it is to ride

in a one-horse open sleigh...

Sana next year mas masaya na..

Haay..

My Wish..

The dreaded return of emptiness is happening again. Much to my dismay, the wall of protection I've built around me now stands shaking. Funny how the Christmas season brought it all back. I thought the wall was strong enough to stop the onslaught of memories. Guess I was wrong.

24th of December was "OK" for the most part. But when the clock hit 11:59 pm, sweat broke across my forehead like tiny diamonds. I was sitting at my post pretending to ignore the clock hanging right in front of me. The sound of it's tick-tack seeping right into my consciousness. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run like a lunatic. But I don't want to cause a scene. So I stayed put and started breathing deeply.

One, Two, Three..

Inhale.. Exhale..

It did not work. I turned the computer off, grabbed my cigarette then left the office.

It was icy-cold outside yet I'm sweating like a hog. I started to run towards my dreamland. My sanctuary. My heaven. When I arrived at my favorite spot, breathing heavily because of running, I felt a tear drop. I brushed it away. I shouldn't be crying. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm invincible. But the tears kept on falling.

After the "drama" subsided, I took my phone out and browsed through my phonebook. Looking for someone to "save" me. Or at least someone to talk to.. PEX: Mugen, Aeneas, Larry, Asakura, Lost, Hiro, Binx, Yugi.. Then I thought, they're probably celebrating the "season". College friends perhaps? Nah. I guess they don't want to be bothered. I lit a cigarette to soothe my nerves out. No help from my ever dependable nicotine friend. After a couple of sticks, I sat down and played some songs. Thought of "happy moments" from the good old days. That should do the trick. And for awhile there it did help.

Now I have to think of a way to build another Citadel. Something stronger for a foundation. Something that I can hold on to. I guess for now, truth and fidelity should be at the base. Respect and honesty will be my pillars. I still have no idea on what to put them together. Well I guess the rest will follow. I hope it's soon. I hope it'll last a lifetime. I hope.. I hope.. I hope...

Turning Point (Part 1)

With the rain hitting hard against the window of his car, he drives along an unfamiliar highway when this ear-splitting sound distracted him from his reverie. He did not dare look where the sound was coming from. He was afraid that he might miss the right turn-off.

In instances like this, especially when you're driving under the mercy of downpour, it's best to focus on where you're going. But it's hard to concentrate if a buzzing irritant was affecting your brain.

2 seconds later, a flicker of light caught his attention. Minute at first, but the light seemed to be growing. The flicker was just down the road and it looked like it was coming towards him. Growing and growing until the light was blinding. It was so bright that keeping his eyes open was a challenge.

The sound and the light then became one.

He did not know if the light was a product of the sound, or if the sound was a reverberation of the light. All he knew was, both are a distraction from his solitude. The sound kept getting louder while the light was getting brighter.

Then, silence...

He wanted to open his eyes but cannot. He wanted to move a leg but unable to. He wanted to shout but an invisible force was pulling him into an abyssal darkness. He tried to fight it. He tried to stay focused. He tried, but failed..

A slight tapping on his shoulder woke him from unconsciousness.

"Sir? Can you hear me, sir?"

He answered "Yes I can" but it came out garbled.

Then, very slowly, everything turned dark...

Until The Time Comes

I want to reach out to you. I want to hold you in my arms and promise you that everything will be alright. I want to listen to your interesting thoughts. I want to hold you near and wish your sadness away. I wish I can give you happiness that can last you a lifetime. I wish I can hear you breathe. I wish I can see the world like you do. I want to know who you really are. I want to know what pisses you off. I want to learn what makes you cry. I want to know what makes you smile. I want to know what will make you laugh. I want to know what you're feeling. I want to know more about you. I want to know you.

But I can't. And I don't even know how to start.

I'm not brave enough to go through with my original plan. I'm not brave enough to send you a text message. I'm not brave enough to click your name from my friends' list and send you an IM when I know your online. I'm not brave enough to dial your number and just listen to you say "hello". I'm not brave enough to ask you to meet me. I'm not brave enough to say it was you all along.

I'm not saying it's perfectly fine with me. All I'm saying is that this will have to do for now. I'm not going to act on it. Nor will I let you know I feel something towards you. Because I know this can never be. This will never be. And I know, in time, this too will pass.

Fulfillment

Maturity, as they say, gives you the freedom to choose your actions. And with those, situations are but reactions according to your decisions.

Everybody reaches maturity in their own time. It just so happens that some gain it earlier, while the others are taking time to do so.

But what about those people who were forced into maturity? Those people whose lives change not because they want it, but because they no longer have other option? Those people who have no recourse left but to face the challenges head-on? People, just like you and me, who have our own battles to fight? People, whose lives will soon be connected to us in about a hundred different ways.

I was browsing the net when I came upon this blog entry about forced maturity. A boy whose faith and fate changed everyones opinion and perception of him. Jo-ga, a screen name perhaps, was forced to "raise" himself in a squatters area somewhere along the busy streets of Pasay.

At an early age of 12, he had 2 jobs. During the day, he can be found at the dump site collecting garbage-recyclables to support his studies. During the night, he uses his swimming capabilities to join the "swimmer's club" to get mussels to provide food at the table.

Jo-ga was the type who never complains. Instead, he was always thankfull because he has the strength to do his jobs and his schooling. Not only was he hard-working, he also has a heart of gold.

That could very well be the reason why he's called "Totoy Kristo" in their community.

He thinks of himself lucky because, eventhough he doesn't have a family and there was no explanation as to where they are, he was still surviving everyday. Living life the way he knows how.

A man approached Jo-ga one day and asked if they can interview him for a documentary since he was a little bit popular within the Pasay "swimmers". He declined because, as he said it, there's no story to tell. He's just an ordinary boy left with a box of maturity on his lap. And since he doesn't have any idea what to do with that maturity, he decided to keep it so he can share to others what tiny little lessons life taught him.

He was 25 when he graduated college thanks to his perseverance to finish school. Jo-ga was asked to do the Farewell Speech on the graduation proper itself..

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"Hindi lahat ng nakapagtapos ng pagaaral ay mapalad. Hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon sa pagkakadapa. At hindi lahat ng tao ay may pagnanais na bumangon mula sa pagkakalugmok.

Ang isang pagkakamali ay hindi na maitatama ng panahon. Ang nakaraan na buhay ay gawing gabay sa ating patutunguhan.

Malayo pa ang lalakbayin natin. Hindi dapat huminto ang pagsisikap sa simpleng pagtatapos ng kolehiyo. Bagkus, ito ay pahudyat lamang ng isang nagbabadyang magandang kinabukasan.

Atin itong bigyan ng halaga. Hayaan nating pagbuklurin ng mga aspetong ito ang ating diwa at pag-iisip upang maging ganap sa atin ang kalayaang sumisimbolo ng ating sipag at tiyaga."

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Jo-ga worked his way to the top. He now owned a quaint house somewhere in Makati, 2 cars, educational facility for the new generation of "swimmer's club" in Pasay and a prestigous title amongst the list of his accomplishments.

Which led me into thinking, how do we differentiate maturity from responsibility? Is there a difference at all? I mean, anybody can be mature, but not all mature people can be responsible.

Responsibility is not a question of how mature a person is. Maturity is not quantifiable by how responsible you are. Responsiblity is not measurable by how young or old a person is. Maturity can be pre-determined by how wise a persons decisions are.

I confess that I, myself am not sure of my definition. I don't even think that my reasoning is correct. I may not be responsible at times. Immature even on occassions. But I think those flaws are what defines us as individuals.

Jo-ga's story is an illustration of the fine line between responsibility and maturity. Maturity because he was wise beyond his age. He was responsible because he stayed focus and never let the fact that he's alone deter him from realizing what he wanted in life. Maybe my analization is incorrect. Maybe I got it all wrong. I probably had it twisted the other way around. Still, I am happy of the outcome.

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I am sharing Jo-ga's story to set an example to those who dare to dream.

Jo-ga, thank you for letting me share your story..ÜÜÜ