Dream

Head throbbing like hell and sweat trickling down the side of my face, I walked back to my pad. Everything is going crazy! Twisting and turning like they're not going to stop. I can feel my stomach turning upside down.

I can't throw up now! Not when there's like over a hundred people around me!

I looked over to my right, safe. Over to my left, safe. No! Not safe! I don't feel like it's safe. Not unless there's another soul who'll cross the street. So when a car or a bus come rushing around, it wouldn't hit me!

Nice thought! Anyway, while waiting for another person to cross the busy street, I'll sit right here in the gutter... One, Two, Three, Four, Five... Knockout! I was unconscious.

I opened my eyes and there you were. Arms wide open, eyes staring and lips smiling. I can't see your whole profile though, because there's a light emanating behind you.

I tried to call you but decided not to. We're ten steps apart. And even if I did, you wouldn't hear me. A cab stopped in front of me. I shooed him away since he's blocking you from me. When the cab moved forward, you're gone as well. Where did you go? You can't simply vanish into thin air.

I blinked, you're still not there. Wait! Someones calling my name! Could it be you? How? I closed my eyes. Squished 'em even. When I opened my eyes, I was in my room...

It was just a dream. But boy would I love to get back to that dream! I want to understand what happened. I want to know why was my head throbbing like crazy. I want to know who you are. I want to know why were you looking at me that way. I want to know why were you reaching for me. I wonder who you are. Hmm..

Totoo Ba?

Sabi nila, pag nagmahal ka daw, dapat yung buong-buo. Dapat yung walang itinatago. 'Yung walang pagdududa.

E paano kung napaka dami mong nakikitang dahilan para magduda? Pilitin mo mang sabihin sa sarili mo na walang ginagawang kakaiba ang partner mo, e alam mo sa sarili mo na meron naman. Itatanggi mo na makati ang jowa mo, pero sa loob-loob mo, minumura mo na siya ng palihim!

Napaka komplikado ng pag-big! Napaka hirap intindihin. Kung kailan nararamdaman mo nang mahal mo na siya, at saka mo naman mapapansin ang mga kakaibang bagay na ginagawa niya. Hindi mo alam kung sinasadya ba niya o tanga lang siya!

Ipapahawak sayo ang telepono, pero puro pakikipaglandian ang laman ng inbaks. Mga kung kani-kaninong pangalan at iskrin name ang naka-save sa drafts. Lintek na yan! Gaguhan ba?! Pero pag hindi naman kayo magkasama, nakakatunaw kung mag text sa sobrang lambing.

Punyetang pag-ibig yan!!!

-----

Hindi naman ako bitter... Ü

Stranded

I miss you Mom. So much! If I can give anything just to see you again, I'd give the world! I need you. Badly! I guess you know my dilemma at the moment. I don't know how to resolve this. Nor how should I go about it. All I know is, I need you!

My brain is telling me to stay. But my heart is asking me to resign. I'm not happy anymore! At first I thought, if I hang around, I might probably like it here. I thought I already do. As it turned out, I don't have enough reason to stay. No one gave me enough reason to stay.

Will a couple of months do? I'll just tie-up some loose ends then I'll be on my way...

Instinct

I'm committed!

Yet I can't seem to find the security I need.

I'm not asking for a lot. I just want to feel loved and cared for.

But that's not what I'm feeling.

Call it paranoia, I prefer to call it instinct.

I can't seem to shake this feeling off that something is happening.

Something that will eventually hurt me.. Deeply.

My instinct is usually right.

This time, I hope I'm way off target.

I hope...

Resolution (Yeah Right!)

I've been thinking of a resolution since it's a new year, but I can't think of any! I wrote down down some stuffs but I don't think I can do 'em..

1. Quit smoking - This has been on my New Year's resolution for like 5 years now! But I can't stop! My system is constantly craving for nicotine! Hehe. So much for will-power!Ü

2. Stop drinking alcoholic beverages - Yeah right! As if I can do this one! Goodluck to me!

3. Stop spending too much - No comment!

4. Be productive at work - I'm trying... I just hope this dedication stays for the whole year!

5. Go home and visit my family - This one, I truly will. By hook or by crook, I will visit my family!

---
Happy New Year sa'kin!Ü

I got myself a present....

Isang napakalaking stuffed dog!

'Tis the Season..

Nang dumating ako sa office kagabi, nakita ko na karamihan sa agents e nagkukumpulan sa harap ng kwarto ko. Parang may sinisilip.

Parang may shooting lang ah!

"Anong meron?" tanong ko.

"Sir, may napakalaking gift sa table mo!"

"Ha?"

"Naks! May secret admirer si sir!"

"Asus! Tigilan na 'yan. Mag log-in na at mag take na kayo ng calls"

"Sir, buksan mo muna yung gift mo para makita namin!"

"Baka galing sa kuya ko, padala sa'kin for Christmas."

"Ahh...."

'Pag pasok ko sa room, dali-dali kong sinara ang pinto at ni-lock. Ang hindi alam ng agents ko, galing sa akin mismo yung regalo.

Oo. Pinadalahan ko ang sarili ko ng regalo. Siyempre, alam na alam ko ang laman. Isang pares ng itim na medyas na inilagay sa napakalaking karton. Regalo ko sa sarili ko ngayong Pasko. Ayoko mang aminin, pero naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Almost 5 years ko nang sine-celebrate ang Pasko ng mag-isa dito sa Pilipinas. And since last week, puro exchange gift nalang ang ginagawa ng mga agents sa production floor. Ang mas nakakainggit, hindi ako kasali. Para sa mga agents lang daw kasi 'un.

Fine! Kung ayaw nila akong isali e di huwag! Pero deep inside, nakakalungkot. May nere-receive man akong mga gift every Christmas, either panyo or picture frame palagi. Hindi naman sa nagco-complain ako, ang sa akin lang, alam mong hindi pinag isipan yung regalo.

OK lang naman sa akin yung panyo, kasi lagi naman ako nawawalan ng panyo. Pero mas OK sana kung, yung gift sa akin e from the heart. Ang hirap i-explain. Basta.

I'm not asking for an expensive gift or anything. I just want something that truly matters. Like what I said, yung tipong from the heart. I'm not sure what it is, pero something that will mean "deep". Yung tipong ganun. Haay.

--

Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way..

Oh what fun, it is to ride

in a one-horse open sleigh...

Sana next year mas masaya na..

Haay..

My Wish..

The dreaded return of emptiness is happening again. Much to my dismay, the wall of protection I've built around me now stands shaking. Funny how the Christmas season brought it all back. I thought the wall was strong enough to stop the onslaught of memories. Guess I was wrong.

24th of December was "OK" for the most part. But when the clock hit 11:59 pm, sweat broke across my forehead like tiny diamonds. I was sitting at my post pretending to ignore the clock hanging right in front of me. The sound of it's tick-tack seeping right into my consciousness. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run like a lunatic. But I don't want to cause a scene. So I stayed put and started breathing deeply.

One, Two, Three..

Inhale.. Exhale..

It did not work. I turned the computer off, grabbed my cigarette then left the office.

It was icy-cold outside yet I'm sweating like a hog. I started to run towards my dreamland. My sanctuary. My heaven. When I arrived at my favorite spot, breathing heavily because of running, I felt a tear drop. I brushed it away. I shouldn't be crying. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm invincible. But the tears kept on falling.

After the "drama" subsided, I took my phone out and browsed through my phonebook. Looking for someone to "save" me. Or at least someone to talk to.. PEX: Mugen, Aeneas, Larry, Asakura, Lost, Hiro, Binx, Yugi.. Then I thought, they're probably celebrating the "season". College friends perhaps? Nah. I guess they don't want to be bothered. I lit a cigarette to soothe my nerves out. No help from my ever dependable nicotine friend. After a couple of sticks, I sat down and played some songs. Thought of "happy moments" from the good old days. That should do the trick. And for awhile there it did help.

Now I have to think of a way to build another Citadel. Something stronger for a foundation. Something that I can hold on to. I guess for now, truth and fidelity should be at the base. Respect and honesty will be my pillars. I still have no idea on what to put them together. Well I guess the rest will follow. I hope it's soon. I hope it'll last a lifetime. I hope.. I hope.. I hope...