The Power of Tears

Earlier today, I had this urge to go out of the house. I don't know where, but I want to go out. I felt like I'm a prisoner in my own world. I couldn't breathe! I need some air!

While walking, a man stepped up to me and said, "Are you OK? Because you're quite pale." Without thinking, I answered "Of course, I've Cancer!" The guy stepped back looking like he was about to run. Then I thought, is this how it will be from now on? Every time people became aware of my condition, they'll just run away? Stupid! For people who are not informed of how and what Cancer is, they'll forever be ignorant. Cancer is not contagious like some might think. It cannot be acquired by mere handshake!

I didn't know where I was until I stumbled on a rectangular granite. I was on my mother's grave. After the realization, I went down on my knees and sobbed. It's been a while since I last visited my Mom. Knowing that where she lies is just half an hour of walk away from my house. I cried... I was emptying myself from the chaos that's been haunting me since I learned what I have. And it helped. It somehow alleviated the turmoil within. It freed me, even for just an hour or two.

Indeed, the power of crying cannot be underestimated. The famous line that says "boys don't cry" is a fallacy. Now I'd say, real boys do let their emotions take control of them. Even if it means shedding a teardrop...

I am not yet a Survivor... But I will be.. Soon..

- - - - -

I just got back from the hospital. It was OK for the most part. Not bad news, but not a good one either. I thought after the last chemo session I had, the next session would be next month. Guess I was wrong. I have to do radiation this weekend. The question is, how? I'll be flying to San Antonio, TX this Thursday. I asked around and they told me that radiation session in San Antonio costs roughly around $500! Whew! That's a lot! I have to think of an alternative! Fast!

Masaya ako...

**Masaya ako! Masaya ako! Masaya ako!**

'Yan ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko simula kaninang umaga pagkagising ko. Isang orasyon na kailangan ulit-ulitin para maisakatuparan. Isang dasal na walang katiyakan kung magiging katotohanan.

Madami-dami na din akong "laban" na nalampasan. Pero wala na yatang mas titindi sa laban na hinaharap ko ngayon. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong gusong ikwento. Ang problema, wala akong malapitan kahit isa. Kahit kapatid ko ay hindi ko makausap. Tanggap ko ang sakit na dahan-dahang gumugupo sa akin. Tanggap ko din na walang katiyakan kung gagaling pa ako.

Ilang beses na akong nagpunta sa Quiapo, Baclaran at Santa Clara upang manalangin at humingi ng tulong. At tila, hanggang ngayon, hindi pa nakakarating sa kanila ang mga hiniling ko. Marahil, mas madami ang nangangailangan ng tulong nila sa ngayon. Handa naman ako maghintay. Pero hanggang kailan?

Hindi ko kinukwestiyon ang aking pananampalataya. Dahil alam ko, tanging ang May Kapal lamang ang makapagsasabi kung ano ang hinaharap ko. Kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

**Masaya ako! Masaya ako! Masaya ako!**

Ang napipintong pag-alis

I went to the US embassy earlier to have my Visa renewed. No hassle there. All I need to do now is find an airline ticket that's just right for my budget.. Hmm.. I wonder if Northwest service is better than Philippine Airlines...

my plan

Tomorrow I have to go see my travel agent. I think it would be better if I seek treatment somewhere else...

The Harsh Reality

I can now see and feel that my sessions are taking a toll on my body. The last time I stepped on a weighing scale, I weighed 158lbs. Earlier, I braved the fear of looking sick so I decided to have myself weighed. I was shocked! I lost 16 pounds! So I went upstairs, removed all my clothing, and faced the inevitable. The mirror. Darn! I'm getting skinny!

I thought I was on my way to recovery because I've already had 3 radiation sessions and 2 chemotherapy sessions. Then, I had 18 lumps. After the first session, 3 lumps were dissolved. And last week, 5 more. So now, I only have 10 lumps. But why am I losing weight?

As I looked closely in the mirror, I felt like I was looking at someone else's reflection. Shoulders slumped forward, collar bone showing, some of the upper ribs are showing as well and cheeks looking like a balloon pricked with a needle. But what caught my attention the most, were those eyes...

They were looking back at me but not really seeing. It looked like those pair of eyes were... Haunted.

That's when it hit me! Majority of my friends are not even aware of my condition. And I'm not telling them that I've got Cancer because.. I don't know.. Just because! My plan was to inform them after I've recovered. But the reflection in front of me cannot deny the fact that he is suffering. That I am suffering. Badly.

I need a makeover! I need to, somehow, hide all the signs that I'm not feeling well...

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I guess it's time to say "hello Revlon" or "hello Ever Bilena"...

Thoughts

I haven't visited my blog site lately. It's not that I don't have the time. It's just that, I don't feel like sharing what I'm undergoing these past few weeks. Some might say I'm overreacting. And maybe I am. But it's who I am and how I deal with things..

Recently, a friend of mine passed away. He was my mentor, my choreographer and my friend. We used to call him "Kuya Mhon". He was always smiling and laughing and cheering everybody up. He was the life of the party.

I was browsing over a magazine when I heard the news of his passing. I was stunned. The last I heard of him, he was on his was to recovery. So it was really really unexpected. As much as I'd like to go and attend the funeral, I can't. My condolence and prayers goes out to him and his family.

After the mourning stage, it got me thinking.. If Kuya Mhon, the ever popular "energizer" was not able to overcome what he had, what about me and my sickness? I know it's far too different, but I can't prevent the fear that's slowly taking a hold of me. I wish I can simply shake it off, but I can't. Now, I'm really afraid of what might happen.