First Session...

Had my first Chemo session the other day. Man, it was draining! After the session, I felt so exhausted and tired and weak. I felt like vomiting the entire trip home. Thankfully I was able to hold it in. Until I got to my bathroom, that is.

Earlier I felt something strange. I can't quite explain it but something weird is happening. I've no bruise or anything, I just felt sore. Super sore! There is something wrong and I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Guess I have to go see my doctor again...

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I can do this! I will win over this hell-hole!

Freedom

Free me! Emancipate me from this hell-hole! I will fight! I will not stumble and fall! I will not let this illness dictate my thoughts and actions! I will not go down without a fight! It will be difficult, and at times I may think of just quitting, but I will succeed! I will conquer this sickness! And I will live to tell the world how I survived! I will be OK. Free me!

Numb

I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I don't want to... Live..

I just want thing to end... Now...

Diagnosis

I haven't been feeling well for over a couple of months now. Earlier, I went to see my doctor and had myself checked...

I've had an Orchitis twice. And I'm telling you, it was PAINFULLLLLLL as hell!!!!! I thought I was cleared from it. Indeed, I am cleared from Orchitis. Because now, it might sound crazy, but I have a Cancer. Prostate Cancer, that is. Stage 1. The doctor said I was lucky because we've discovered it at an early stage. Question, should I really consider myself lucky? Such an irony! I thought only older men can have it. Guess I'm wrong...

After the "news" of what I have, I don't know where to go or what to do next. Yes, I will now have "sessions" with my doctor but still, the emotional impact of hearing Cancer is just way too devastating for me...

I can't breathe! I need help! What if it's too late? I might sound like I'm overreacting, but what am I supposed to do?! Take it lightly? Smile and say I'm going to be okay? Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do this anymore! I can no longer pretend that things are working out when in reality, things are falling apart. I can't stand myself all smiles when all I want to do is just breakdown and cry. This is not how I planned things. This is not how it's supposed to be..

Sana...

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Warbird: Malate daw tayo nila O and Rain
Macoy: Sige. Saan ko kayo pupuntahan?
Warbird: Kita nalang tayo sa kanto ng Nakpil. 'Dun sa may PNB.
Macoy: What time?
Warbird: 11:00 pm.
Macoy: O.K. Ligo na ako.

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Macoy: San na kayo?
Warbird: Dito na sa loob ng bar.
Macoy: Sige punta na ako. Sumama si Mr. Ipod. O.K. lang ba?
Warbird: Fine.

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Warbird: Bakit mo sinama si Mr. Ipod?
Macoy: Baka daw may gawin ako. Kaya ayun, binabantayan ako.
Warbird: Ang sweet!
Macoy: Is it?
Warbird: Bakit naman hindi?
Macoy: Wala lang. I guess, iba ang interpretation ko.
Warbird: Meaning?
Macoy: Basta.

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Trust me! 'Pag ikaw aalis or lalabas with your friends, hindi ka nagpapaalam sa'kin. Iinform mo ako 'pag nasa place ka na or on the way ka na. And since I trust you, na wala kang gagawing kagaguhan, hinahayaan kita. Pero 'pag ako, bawal lumabas mag-isa, bawal sumama sa mga kaibigan, bawal makipag usap sa hindi ko kilala, bawal tignan ang phone unless ikaw ang unang magbabasa ng text message. Oo nung una ang sweet. Pero sobra na.

Ilang beses ko kailangan sabihin na hindi ako magloloko. Alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng nagago kaya hinding-hindi ko gagawin yun. At hindi pa ako nanggago o nangloko ng ibang tao. Kung naniniwala ka sa mga sinasabi ko, bibigyan mo ako ng oras para sa sarili ko at para magawa ang ibang bagay na guto kong gawin...

An Unwilling Subject 2

So... This is the other pic that my friend took... I know I don't have the physique, but who cares anyway? Right? Plus, I'm helping a friend here! Hehe.