Numb

I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I don't want to... Live..

I just want thing to end... Now...

Diagnosis

I haven't been feeling well for over a couple of months now. Earlier, I went to see my doctor and had myself checked...

I've had an Orchitis twice. And I'm telling you, it was PAINFULLLLLLL as hell!!!!! I thought I was cleared from it. Indeed, I am cleared from Orchitis. Because now, it might sound crazy, but I have a Cancer. Prostate Cancer, that is. Stage 1. The doctor said I was lucky because we've discovered it at an early stage. Question, should I really consider myself lucky? Such an irony! I thought only older men can have it. Guess I'm wrong...

After the "news" of what I have, I don't know where to go or what to do next. Yes, I will now have "sessions" with my doctor but still, the emotional impact of hearing Cancer is just way too devastating for me...

I can't breathe! I need help! What if it's too late? I might sound like I'm overreacting, but what am I supposed to do?! Take it lightly? Smile and say I'm going to be okay? Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do this anymore! I can no longer pretend that things are working out when in reality, things are falling apart. I can't stand myself all smiles when all I want to do is just breakdown and cry. This is not how I planned things. This is not how it's supposed to be..

Sana...

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Warbird: Malate daw tayo nila O and Rain
Macoy: Sige. Saan ko kayo pupuntahan?
Warbird: Kita nalang tayo sa kanto ng Nakpil. 'Dun sa may PNB.
Macoy: What time?
Warbird: 11:00 pm.
Macoy: O.K. Ligo na ako.

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Macoy: San na kayo?
Warbird: Dito na sa loob ng bar.
Macoy: Sige punta na ako. Sumama si Mr. Ipod. O.K. lang ba?
Warbird: Fine.

------

Warbird: Bakit mo sinama si Mr. Ipod?
Macoy: Baka daw may gawin ako. Kaya ayun, binabantayan ako.
Warbird: Ang sweet!
Macoy: Is it?
Warbird: Bakit naman hindi?
Macoy: Wala lang. I guess, iba ang interpretation ko.
Warbird: Meaning?
Macoy: Basta.

------

Trust me! 'Pag ikaw aalis or lalabas with your friends, hindi ka nagpapaalam sa'kin. Iinform mo ako 'pag nasa place ka na or on the way ka na. And since I trust you, na wala kang gagawing kagaguhan, hinahayaan kita. Pero 'pag ako, bawal lumabas mag-isa, bawal sumama sa mga kaibigan, bawal makipag usap sa hindi ko kilala, bawal tignan ang phone unless ikaw ang unang magbabasa ng text message. Oo nung una ang sweet. Pero sobra na.

Ilang beses ko kailangan sabihin na hindi ako magloloko. Alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng nagago kaya hinding-hindi ko gagawin yun. At hindi pa ako nanggago o nangloko ng ibang tao. Kung naniniwala ka sa mga sinasabi ko, bibigyan mo ako ng oras para sa sarili ko at para magawa ang ibang bagay na guto kong gawin...

An Unwilling Subject 2

So... This is the other pic that my friend took... I know I don't have the physique, but who cares anyway? Right? Plus, I'm helping a friend here! Hehe.

Zombie 101

This is slavery!!! I've been working for 43.5 hours now. Straight! I haven't gone home to take a shower nor change clothes! But I must say, I'm still doing good. Productive as can be. Hehe. Now that's what you call bragging! Hahaha. My boss aka "slave driver" thought that if I stayed here and work my ass off, I can go on leave for at least a month! And I grabbed it! I mean, a month of fun and leisure would be nice! Very nice! Hehe. That's whats keeping me going! I bet I can extend another 24 hours!

But then again, where would I go? I've been wondering about the majestic beaches in Guam. Or probably spend the days off in Thailand. Indonesia maybe? Hmm...

First, I have to finish all these freaking reports so I can go! Boy would I love to spend an entire day in a bath tub!

Care to join me? Hehe. Just kidding! But I'd really enjoy that! I'm pretty sure I can fall asleep while enjoying a bubble bath!

An Unwilling Subject

Last night, a friend of mine asked me a favor. He's into photography at the moment and he wants to use me as a subject. I thought, I once wanted to become a model so why not "try" it. The "scene's" running through my head was the typical "me-looking-at-the-camera-with-a-smile" pose. The "pa cute" type. A far cry from my very ordinary looks. Anyways, we came into this "studio" where there are umbrellas and stuffs. I don't know what they're called although I took a basic course in Photography back in college. I was a little surprised when I saw an unmade bed in the middle of the "stage". Excuse my term for I really know nothing about photography.

But what took me aback was when my friend asked me to strip all my clothes off! Before I could even utter a word, he said "Look, sex sells. I can't afford to hire a model! Now, if you think that my would-be shots are tasteless, fine! I'm not going to open up this studio!"....

What I can't stand the most are people who loves overdoing the dramatics. Even if I belong to that group, doesn't mean I like my "kind". I know if I don't "pose" a la nude, I'll never hear the end of it. And I bet he'll make sure that I never forget it! ...

Here's a sample of the "session" we've had..




And to be clear, I dont't have a buff bod nor trying to have one... I simply wasn't breathing during the shoot. Now what can you say? Not about the subject though. Look at the pic as a whole. Is it tasteless? You think my friend should give up photography? ÜÜÜ