Dandelion

As I ruminate on the things that happened during my existence, I now know how foolish I've been. I do not wish for things to change. For I know that the consequences that I've encountered were direct result of my decisions. Majority of them might not be wise, but at the time I made those, I benefited. Just as the blossom of the dandelions decided to take flight away from it's bud. Scattered by the gentle wind as they frolic in the freedom they think they've accomplished. But after a great fall, tears well up from their tips as they regret fleeing from the protective arms of the mighty dandelion..

Fly Away

I've always been fascinated with Doves. They're the symbolism of women with poise and children free from guile and "cunningness". Regardless of its size and color, Dove's are synonymous to innocence brought about by their existence. Beautifully sculpted wings twice the size of it's body, spreading out, conquering the wind and making it it's subordinate, taking flight as the power of air lifted the Dove way above the clouds.

That's what I want to experience. That's what I want to be..

I have conquered many fears. Just as the Dove conquered it's fear of height in it's early stages of life. And just like a Dove, I am soaring in my aspirations that I wish to fulfill someday. Beyond the realms of sanity, I fly with fervor just to feel the warmth of the people I hold dear. With great passion, I fly away to feel the confines of my emotions. My wings flapping away as I mimic a child emancipated from the loving arms of its mother. Flying, soaring, ascending in an abyssal state of mind..

Someday..

Someday..

Someday..

My freedom will be in it's absolute form.. Just like a Dove..

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Hope that someday will be soon..

Good mood ako!!!!

Good mood ako.. Good mood ako.. Good mood ako...

Since this morning, ito and sinasabi ko. Ito ang chant ng buhay ko for this day. And dapat maging mood ko the whole day. Pero parang imposible! Mantakin mo, yung officemate ko napakahilig magmagaling, bumibida nanaman.

Pagkagising ko, feeling ko ang fresh-fresh ko. Pero simula nung nakita ko siya, nagsimula nang makontra ang "good mood" chant ko. Nung nagkita kami pag dating ko sa office, ang isinalubong sakin, irap.

Walang dating!

Pakialam ko?! Eh 'di umirap siya ng umirap hanggang maduling siya! Wala akong pakialam!

Again, good mood ako! Ulitin pa, good mood ako! Isa pa, good mood ako!

Hindi ko nalang pinansin the whole day. Pero parang nananadya ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Thursday pala ngayon! Meaning, may calibration kami! And wala akong ibang choice kundi makisama since kasama naman talaga siya sa calibration session! Asaaaarrr!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Buti nalang hindi natuloy ang calibration. Nung tinawagan na namin yung client, cancelled daw ang calibration. Sa loob-loob ko, Yihiiiiiii! Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

During lunch break, nagsabi yung isang officemate ko na manglilibre daw siya ng lunch. Itago nalang natin sa pangalang "tangkad". So in-invite si boss. Eh ang sabi naman ni boss, mags-stay nalang daw siya kasi kawawa naman ang mga maiiwan sa floor. Fine! So nagpa-order nalang sila. Pero take note, libre pa din ni tangkad yung food ah. Before kami lumabas ng floor, narinig ni tangkad na may kausap si "officemate". And guess what, ako ang pinagu-usapan! Na kesyo mukha daw tikbalang at kung ano-ano pa! Ang kapal ng mukha!

Hooooops... Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Pagbalik namin sa floor, binigay na ni tangkad yung food nila boss (kasama si "officemate"). Sa conferrence room sila kumain. 3 sila. Fine. Good mood ako! After nila kumain, unang lumabas si TM. In fairness naman kay TM, nag thank you siya kay tangkad. Nung si boss ang lumabas, nag thank you din. Nung si "officemate" na yung lumabas, pucha dere-derecho ang lakad! Humablot ng tumbler ng isang agent sabay inom ng tubig na laman nung tumbler. Ang kapal ng mukha! Ako yung nahiya para kay tangkad!!!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Towards the end of the shift, iniwasan ko na para nga hindi na masira ang araw ko. Again, magaling manukso ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Pagsakay ko ng elevator, biglang sumulpot si "officemate" sa pinto! At dalawa lang kami sa loob! From 18th floor hanggang sa ground floor, wala na siyang ibang sinabi kundi "bakit ganyan ang suot mo? Hindi pa naman Friday ah, bakit naka-jeans ka?" "Ganyan ba talaga ang kulay ng damit mo? Parang ang dumi!" Habang sinasabi niya yung mga yun, sa isip-isip ko, "good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!"

Parang ang tagal bumaba ng elevator! Siyeeet! Nung nasa ground foor na, pucha hindi pa bumukas yung pintuan! In short, na-stuck kaming dalawa sa loob! Ang magaling na officemate, hala nagsi-sigaw sa loob! Hindi ba niya naisip na kulob yung boses niya?! Feeling ko nga, nabasag na yung ear-drum ko sa lakas ng sigaw niya! Baka nga may umaagos pang dugo palabas! Siyeeet! Ako naman, nakapikit lang...

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Bumukas yung pintuan ng elevator after 35 minutes! Yun na siguro ang pinaka masayang moment ng buhay ko! Yung isiping makakalabas na ako at uuwi na! At hindi ko na siya makikita the rest of the day!

Bahala na bukas sa office pag nakita ko siya ulit! Ah may naisip ako, magpapa-late ako at sa ibang post ako uupo! Yung post na pinakamalayo sa post ni "officemate"! Tama!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

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Salamat sa'yo Mommy Nonette at kahit paano

gumagaan ang araw ko sa office

everytime nakikita ko ang napaka-ganda mong bangs!

Hehe! I love you mommy! .. :p

Reunion..

I'm home..

God! How I missed my family!!!

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Can't help but think about my kuya..

Hope your throat is O.K. now.

Letting Go..

[An entry in my college journal]

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I was at a coffee shop drinking my chocolate frappe away when this guy came in and sat down infront of me.
I thought, “Freak! You’re invading my space!”.
But then I thought, it's better than sitting there all alone with people looking through the glass right at me and thinking I’m a loser or something coz I’m alone.
Suddenly, this guy asked me a question “Why are you sad?”.
Huh? Me? Sad? Am I that transparent that people can see what I’m feeling or thinking? I looked at him without answering his question.
Then he asked another question, “can you not drink your chocolate frappe without seeing her face on it?”
What the…? Who is this guy anyway? Is he the modern prophet or somethin? Still, I just stared at him blankly not answering his questions. Then he said, “you have to move on, you know. Life will not pause for you just because she left you without giving you some reason as to why she left you.” !!!!!!!!!
Then it made me think… Yeah, he’s probably right. But the thing is….
Let me just ask you this question instead…..
Will you let go of something or someone knowing that she is the source of your happiness? I can pretend. But I cannot do it. I can show the world I can survive the “tragedy” of being dumped. But that's the only thing I can do. I can only pretend. Just pretend. It's not that easy letting go of someone especially if you’ve been together for more than 3 years. They can do it in the movies, yes. But not in real life. Because in reality, after the break-up, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life thinking all the what if’s, the what could’ve been's and all the what might have been’s…
Yeah at times you’ll manage a smile or even a laugh, but deep down you’re totaly broken.
Well, at least thats what I’m feeling. Maybe after a couple of lifetimes, I can then move-on. But whose to say when?
And let me just add, it's a choice. The things I said, those were my choices. Why? Just because.
This story has probably bored you to death.
So im goin to stop now.

Application..

share ko lng..
nung naghihintay ako tawagin un name ko para sa interview, application for work, may katabi ako na, pag tinignan mo plng, parang ang galing galing na. ang ganda ng suot. at may necktie pa! nilapitan ko. tapos simpleng kwentuhan lang. at ang depotah, ang galing magenglish! nanliit ako! pero keme na. hanggang tawagin un name namin, kasabay ko pa pala sa interview ang hayop. so feeling ko, ndi ako matatanggap kc mas magsh-"shine" xa sa paningin ng interviewer. pag pasok namin dun sa room, taas noo xa. tapos may i "goodmorning" xa dun sa interviewer. so naisip ko, potah dagdag points un for him. so umupo na kami. tumingin un interviewer sakanya. tapos tinanong:

interviewer: so how are you?
michael(un maganda un porma): im perfectly fine and confident.

sa isip ko, tangna parang nasobrahan nmn sa pagka confident!

interviewer: so michael tell me, what are the lessons that you've learned outside the confines of the instituion that you've been in?
michael: i was never institutionalized! for you information, my IQ level is very high!

(tanga! bobo!)

interviewer: no what i meant was, what are the lessons in life that you have gained?
michael: i know that! and i believe in myself! because i used to be a working student!

(ay wow! ang layo ng sagot ni hayuuup!)

interviewer: nevermind (smile). so, how do you see yourself ten years from now?
michael: oh im very very old!

ndi ko napigilan ang sarili ko, potah and lakas ng tawa ko. sobra! natawa na din un interviewer. after nun, ako na un tinanong. and to cut the story short, ako ang natanggap. hahaha. corny ng kwento ko sheeeet! hahaha.

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I'm not judgemental..

O.K. so I am..

I'm just telling you what happened.. :D

I miss you.. Ma

[This was an entry in my journal when I was still in college.. Good thing I saved it.. :D]

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i can't breathe..
the onslaught of memories
keeps tumbling down on me.
i miss you..
terribly!

it's been more than three years since i last saw your heart-shaped face. everytime i miss you, i just close my eyes and i am taken back to your warm embrace. everytime i enter the kitchen, i always remember the aroma of your super special meal cooked just for me.. i miss you.

i remember when you used to rock me off in your lap until i fell asleep. when im cold at night, i go back to the deep recesses of my mind to imagine the pillows as a substitute for your arms hugging me tightly as i try to sleep.. i miss you.

i miss you..
i miss you..
i love you.. Mommy..