How She said Goodbye...

3:00 am

"Marc"

"Po?"

"Halika sandali"

"Bakit po?"

"Open mo nga yung electric fan anak at naiinitan ako"

"Opo"

I entered her room, shocked at what I saw.
Her sitting at the side of the bed,
Trash bin held tightly.
And blood...
Fresh blood...
All over the floor.

I sat next to her and started rubbing her back.

"OK ka lang po ba 'Ma?"

"Paki tapat mo sa'kin yung electric fan 'nak ko"

I did what she asked and sat back next to her.
She looked at me and said

"'Wag mo hahawakan yang dugo"

I held her arm and replied

"Opo"

She coughed. But not just any ordinary cough.
She coughed again and there was blood.

"OK ka lang po ba 'Ma? Uminom ka ba ng gamot kanina?"

She looked at me again with tears in her eyes

"Pa'no ka na 'pag wala na ako?"

"Ano ka ba 'Ma?! Ano ba yang sinasabi mo? 'Wag ka nga magsalita ng ganyan"

"Tinatawag na ako ng Daddy mo"

"Shh! Itigil na nga yan ganyan 'Ma!"

"'Wag kayo maga-away nila kuya mo ha?"

"Opo. Itigil na yang ganyang mga statements!"

She coughed again.
This time, there was a big chunk of blood that came out.
A big chunk.

She held my arm.
I held her arm tighter.
She looked at me again.
I touched her face.
She looked at the crucifix,
Inhaled deeply,
And closed her eyes...

"Ma!"

She didn't open her eyes.
I called again

"Ma!"

She didn't even move.

Then I felt her skin.
It was cold as ice.

And that's when I realized,
She's gone...

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4:00 am

"Hello?"

"Kuya si Mama!"

"Oh bakit?"

"Kuya si Mama!"

"Bakit nga?!"

"Wala na si Mama"

"Ha? Anong wala na si Mama?"

"Wala na si Mama"

Then silence...

"Pupunta na ako jan"

"Kuya wala na si Mama"

Tears falling, I kept saying those words.

"Kuya wala na si Mama"

"Pupunta na ako jan. Tawag ka sa kabila"

"Kuya wala na si Mama"

Silence...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't really remember what happened next.
Everything was a blur.
Or maybe my mind blocked them out...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

She was my motivator.
She was my inspiration.
She was my best friend.

To the strongest person I know,

My Mom,

I salute you,
I love you!
And I miss you...

Tik Tak Tik Tak

Zombie.. That's what I am. At least that's what I think I am..

I wake up every morning yet I do not see the sunshine that majority seems to enjoy. I cannot seem to find the meaning of preparing to start a new day with much joy and enthusiasm. I cannot find the meaning of surviving and living free.

My life crashed so bad that I think I already unlearned the art of smiling.

I used to have big dreams. I used to have hope. I used to have faith. And that is just the fucking problem! All that were a part of the "used to" now. So much have changed! All because of this illness!

Now I'm wondering if I can still hope. Probably because I'm afraid to do just that.

I feel like I'm a prisoner. I cannot do this, I cannot eat that...

If this is what it will be like from now on, might as well give up the fight. I am tired. So tired. I'm wishing all of this to stop. I wish everything to just simply end. I wish life is as easy as that. If you're tired and wanting things to just end, you'll simply click the eject button and go directly to heaven. If there really is heaven...

Paalam Kaibigan

** tok tok tok **

Asar! Ang sarap-sarap ng tulog ko tapos biglang may kakatok! Bad trip!

** tok tok tok **

"Sandali lang! Babangon na!"

** tok tok tok **

Aba mas malakas ang katok ng kung sino man ang nasa labas ng pinto!

"Ito na nga eh! Sandali lang!"

Binuksan ko ang pinto..

"Kuya! Si Gulda (Golda) patay na!"

Natigilan ako. Ang pinakamamahal kong si Golda, pumanaw na! Si Golda na walang malay. Si Golda na ang alam lang gawin sa buhay e lumangoy sa kanyang mumunting aquarium. Si Golda na hindi ko nabigyan ng sapat na atensiyon. Dali-dali akong nagtapis ng twalya at binuksan ang pinto. Hindi ko na pinansin si Inday na nakatayo sa labas ng aking pintuan na may hawak pang sandok. Pumunta ako sa sala kung saan nakalagay ang aquarium ni Golda..

"Inday! Inday! Inday! Nasaan na si Golda?!"

"Eh di binigay ku na kay Mena" (Mina). Si Mina ang pusang gala na piniling manirahan sa pad ko.

"Ha?! Pinakain mo si Golda kay Mina?! Bakit?!" Naglalabasn na ang mga ugat ko sa leeg habang tinatanong si Inday.

"Eh anu naman ang gagawin ku sa guldpis? Ip-pritu ku?! Kuya hindi yata masarap 'yun"

Kung hindi lang masama pumatay ng tao, malang pinaglalamayan na ngayon si Inday!

Hindi ko na sinagot ang napaka galing kong kasama sa bahay. Bumalik ako sa kwarto at nagibhis. Kailangan kong magluksa! Kailangan kong bigyan ng respeto ang pagpanaw ng pinakamamahal kong si Golda...

Sa park ako nagpunta. Sa park ko ipagluluksa ang pagkamatay ni Golda. Hawak ang mga pinagpipitas kong mga bulaklak, nilagay ko ang mga ito sa ilalim ng puno na lagi kong tinatambayan. Haay. Wala na si Golda.

Nagpunta ako sa isang pet shop para tumingin ng mga isda na pwede kong ipalit kay Golda. Pero iba pa din si Golda. Oo madami siyang kamukha, pero nagiisa lang si Golda.

Bumili ako ng isang pares ng Goldfish. Naisip ko, siguro hindi sila malulungkot kasi magkasama sila. Hindi katulad ni Golda na magisa lang. Ano naman kaya ang ipapangalan ko sa mga bago kong isda? Golda Junior? Golda II? Hmm..

Loise and Clark! Tama. Tandem silang dalawa! Si Loise nalang yung mas malaki ang mata. Tapos si Clark naman yung mas malaki ang ulo. Hehe. Perfect!

-----

Si kontrabidang Inday, sabi sa akin pag uwi ko ng bahay..

"Kuya sana Tilapya nalang ang binili nyo. O Bangus kaya. Para 'pag namatay, pwede pa natin ulamin!"

Gustuhin ko mang magalit kay Inday dahil pinakain 'nya si Golda kay Mina, natawa nalang ako.

Iba ka talaga Inday!

Beginning of the End (2)

Thank you my online friend.

I thank you for letting me see a little bit of sunshine after a stormy day. Thank you for listening to my dramatics and my little nothings. I might seem like a shallow person, and maybe I am, but I still thank you for listening. If I wasn't able to return this Ipod to it's rightful owner, I'm going to give it to you. Hehe.

I gave myself time.. Well, until this coming Sunday. If things didn't brighten up and I'm still in this hell-hole, it's time to say goodbye. I've thought about it. And I guess this is the best solution amongst all the options that I've pondered. And in a way, every time I think about what's going to happen, certain serenity washes over me. I guess because I know my demons can no longer hunt me by then.

I hate seeing myself in the mirror every single day because I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. So as much as possible, I steer-clear away from mirrors. And the person behind the mirror looks.... Haunted.

As my final battle sees it's end, I cannot help but wonder if I've fought my battles well enough. If I've given it my all. One thing is for sure though, from this day until my deadline this Sunday, I'm going to try and fight this battle.

For now, I'll look forward to the coffee and doughnut you've promised me.Ü I just hope I'm still "around" when you get to it..

Beginning of the End

I am drowning..


I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?


So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.


To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?


I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.


Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.


A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.


For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.


I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.


Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.


Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..

Goodbye.. Friend

"It's with a heavy heart that I inform you of the demise of a well-loved friend and Points 'n Flexes Alumnus, Louie Bago. He passed away yesterday. Please pray for his departed soul. Thanks"

That's what roused me from a rather boring and uneventful day. For a minute there I wasn't ale to move. Rather, I cannot move. I tried to move a muscle but failed. I tried to breathe but it seemed like I forgot how to. I tried to focus my eyes on the reports I was doing but it would not either. My head was spinning out of control.

I knew I had to step out. I knew what was about to happen. Nausea started to rise as Louie's ever-smiling face started to appear infront of the monitor. But still, I'm frozen.

I felt someone tapping my shoulder. And it was what I exactly needed to break from the trance I'm in. I looked up and Aoie was looking at me funny.

"Are you O.K? Bigla ka nalang namutla jan ah"

"May na-recieve lang akong text"

"Eh bakit ka nga biglang namutla?"

"Wala. Kailangan ko lang ng fresh air"

I stepped out of the building and started to walk. As usual, walking helps me think. Helps me re-organize my thoughts back into coherentness.

I felt my left pocket for my lighter but it wasn't there. I must have left it in my office. This sudden need to smoke was brought on by the realization that one of my friends just passed away. A friend, whose passion was to dance his heart out. A friend whose desire was to make other people smile. A friend, who I just promised last week that I'd go and visit but was unable to. A friend who, way back in college, taught me how to "de-stress" by lighting up a cigarette. My friend, Louie.

I sat at my favorite spot in the park. It has become my own little sanctuary where I can reflect and think about almost everything. My own little dream world.

Louie was the type who loves to kid around. He always had a joke with him. And no matter how serious or depressing the mood was, he finds a way to make "things" brighter. It was his personality. It was the Louie that all of De La Salle Performing Arts Group loved and that we'll surely miss..

As I inhale the last puff of my ever dependable cigarette, I made a promise to go and visit Sta. Clara church this Sunday. I will write a prayer for your soul and for mine as well. Maybe soon, if I can no longer contain this depression I've been feeling for weeks now, I might go and "visit" you..

Until then my friend, I'll miss you...