Tik Tak Tik Tak

Zombie.. That's what I am. At least that's what I think I am..

I wake up every morning yet I do not see the sunshine that majority seems to enjoy. I cannot seem to find the meaning of preparing to start a new day with much joy and enthusiasm. I cannot find the meaning of surviving and living free.

My life crashed so bad that I think I already unlearned the art of smiling.

I used to have big dreams. I used to have hope. I used to have faith. And that is just the fucking problem! All that were a part of the "used to" now. So much have changed! All because of this illness!

Now I'm wondering if I can still hope. Probably because I'm afraid to do just that.

I feel like I'm a prisoner. I cannot do this, I cannot eat that...

If this is what it will be like from now on, might as well give up the fight. I am tired. So tired. I'm wishing all of this to stop. I wish everything to just simply end. I wish life is as easy as that. If you're tired and wanting things to just end, you'll simply click the eject button and go directly to heaven. If there really is heaven...

Until The Time Comes

I want to reach out to you. I want to hold you in my arms and promise you that everything will be alright. I want to listen to your interesting thoughts. I want to hold you near and wish your sadness away. I wish I can give you happiness that can last you a lifetime. I wish I can hear you breathe. I wish I can see the world like you do. I want to know who you really are. I want to know what pisses you off. I want to learn what makes you cry. I want to know what makes you smile. I want to know what will make you laugh. I want to know what you're feeling. I want to know more about you. I want to know you.

But I can't. And I don't even know how to start.

I'm not brave enough to go through with my original plan. I'm not brave enough to send you a text message. I'm not brave enough to click your name from my friends' list and send you an IM when I know your online. I'm not brave enough to dial your number and just listen to you say "hello". I'm not brave enough to ask you to meet me. I'm not brave enough to say it was you all along.

I'm not saying it's perfectly fine with me. All I'm saying is that this will have to do for now. I'm not going to act on it. Nor will I let you know I feel something towards you. Because I know this can never be. This will never be. And I know, in time, this too will pass.

Taking Chances

So, it's "Park Day" for me again. Time to go and visit the place where you simply sat beside me and watched the clouds go by.

Your Ipod in hand, I'll wait. Hoping that I'll see you.

Soon..

Until then, I'll regularly drop by the park and wait..

Again, thank you.

Epiphany

Eyes staring but not seeing, I walked until I accidentally bumped into you. Not minding the interruption, I continued to walk until I got tired. I looked for a place to rest, luckily, I saw a perfect spot where I could lie on my back and reflect. Inattentive to my surrounding, the guy I bumped was looking from afar. Wondering why I look so empty. So desolate.

I closed my eyes as I hold back the tears. I thought about bluebirds soaring high to repress the overpowering presence of pain. I imagined myself biting in a sugar-coated doughnut just to alleviate myself from succumbing to despair. But all of the musings and imaginings failed. I still feel the pain. Taste it even.

"Wanna share?", I heard a voice say.

I looked up and saw you. My lips started to open as I was about to say sorry thinking that you followed because you were annoyed. But you cut me off by saying

"No need. I can tell something is bothering you. Mind if I sit beside you?".

I did not respond for I don't know what to say. Again, I closed my eyes and continued my wandering imagination. I was running a list of the things I need to do back at the office trying to ignore the distraction beside me.

"Listen to this. Hope it helps you forget whatever it is that's troubling you", you said.

You handed one of the earphones of your Ipod so I can listen. Enya's Only Time was playing. I strained to understand the lyrics. I listened. And somehow, Enya's voice soothed me. Calmed me. It emptied me from the unfathomable despair I was feeling.

I opened my eyes to check the time. You're gone. I looked around but you were no where to be found. All that's left of your presence was your Ipod and a note in the middle of the impression on the ground right beside me. I picked up the note and it read

"You were sound asleep so I didn't bother to wake you up. At least for a moment there, you're at peace with what pains you. You can give me back the Ipod when we see each other again Ü."

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. But somehow, it put a smile on my face. Because in a way, I probably am assuming, but we did connect.


Right?

I stood up. Hoping I'd see you and just playing a prank on me. But disappointment creeps-in as my eyes fail to locate you. I brushed my pants off, folded the note, placed the Ipod in my pocket and started to walk again. Before I cross the street, I decided to go somewhere and be merry. I decided to seek solitude in the comforting arms of alcohol.

Now that's a good plan to forget!

I found myself in a bar somewhere in Makati holding a beer in hand as I search the crowd for a familiar face. And since I found none, I thought, "perfect!". At least no one would recognize me in case I get intoxicated. I drank, I'm not sure of the figure, 13 bottles I believe. I drank like there's no tomorrow. People were looking, but I didn't mind them. I just drank and drank and drank until finally, out of exhaustion maybe, I passed out..

I felt someone slightly tapping my cheek. Indeed, I must have passed out because I was still sitting in the same stool. I pulled out my wallet, placed some bills on the counter and left the bar. My head feeling like it was about to explode, I hailed a cab and gone home.

Thinking that sleep can somehow ease the terrible headache, I headed directly towards my bed. Not having the strength to change into a more comfortable outfit, I let gravity pull me down into the warm embrace of the comforter. But as I made contact with my pillow, vile kicked in. I rushed towards the bathroom and let the unwanted taste of vomit surge.

After taking a shower and some pain-killers, I sat at the couch and opened my laptop to check some mails. I did not attempt to get back to sleep in fear that when I close my eyes, the world will start to swirl. Giving me another bout of vomiting.

While checking my emails, I remembered you and the Ipod that you left. I went to my room to go get it and probably download Enya songs as my way of saying thank you. When I turned it on and pressed the play button, another Enya song assailed me. A sweet assailant at that. Amarantine was playing.

Wishful thinking or Coincidence? Either of the two, it made me smile because I have that album. Suddenly it dawned on me, how will I return your Ipod if in the first place, I don't know who you are, where you live, your name, and your number?

I'll take my chances.


Yesterday afternoon, before I went to work, I decided to drop by the park. With hope that you might pass by so I can return your Ipod, I roamed the whole park. There was no "you". It saddened me. Probably because I want to say "thank you" personally.

So until our next meeting, my plan is to drop by the park before going to work. Even if it's my day off, I'll still go to the park.

Wishing, praying, hoping that sooner or later, I will have my chance to say "thank you"...