Tik Tak Tik Tak

Zombie.. That's what I am. At least that's what I think I am..

I wake up every morning yet I do not see the sunshine that majority seems to enjoy. I cannot seem to find the meaning of preparing to start a new day with much joy and enthusiasm. I cannot find the meaning of surviving and living free.

My life crashed so bad that I think I already unlearned the art of smiling.

I used to have big dreams. I used to have hope. I used to have faith. And that is just the fucking problem! All that were a part of the "used to" now. So much have changed! All because of this illness!

Now I'm wondering if I can still hope. Probably because I'm afraid to do just that.

I feel like I'm a prisoner. I cannot do this, I cannot eat that...

If this is what it will be like from now on, might as well give up the fight. I am tired. So tired. I'm wishing all of this to stop. I wish everything to just simply end. I wish life is as easy as that. If you're tired and wanting things to just end, you'll simply click the eject button and go directly to heaven. If there really is heaven...

...

I wish I can say I'm O.K. But I'm not. And I don't think I will be, until I'm finally "free" from this bullshit I'm currently facing...

First Session...

Had my first Chemo session the other day. Man, it was draining! After the session, I felt so exhausted and tired and weak. I felt like vomiting the entire trip home. Thankfully I was able to hold it in. Until I got to my bathroom, that is.

Earlier I felt something strange. I can't quite explain it but something weird is happening. I've no bruise or anything, I just felt sore. Super sore! There is something wrong and I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Guess I have to go see my doctor again...

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I can do this! I will win over this hell-hole!

Freedom

Free me! Emancipate me from this hell-hole! I will fight! I will not stumble and fall! I will not let this illness dictate my thoughts and actions! I will not go down without a fight! It will be difficult, and at times I may think of just quitting, but I will succeed! I will conquer this sickness! And I will live to tell the world how I survived! I will be OK. Free me!

Numb

I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I don't want to... Live..

I just want thing to end... Now...

Diagnosis

I haven't been feeling well for over a couple of months now. Earlier, I went to see my doctor and had myself checked...

I've had an Orchitis twice. And I'm telling you, it was PAINFULLLLLLL as hell!!!!! I thought I was cleared from it. Indeed, I am cleared from Orchitis. Because now, it might sound crazy, but I have a Cancer. Prostate Cancer, that is. Stage 1. The doctor said I was lucky because we've discovered it at an early stage. Question, should I really consider myself lucky? Such an irony! I thought only older men can have it. Guess I'm wrong...

After the "news" of what I have, I don't know where to go or what to do next. Yes, I will now have "sessions" with my doctor but still, the emotional impact of hearing Cancer is just way too devastating for me...

I can't breathe! I need help! What if it's too late? I might sound like I'm overreacting, but what am I supposed to do?! Take it lightly? Smile and say I'm going to be okay? Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do this anymore! I can no longer pretend that things are working out when in reality, things are falling apart. I can't stand myself all smiles when all I want to do is just breakdown and cry. This is not how I planned things. This is not how it's supposed to be..