my plan

Tomorrow I have to go see my travel agent. I think it would be better if I seek treatment somewhere else...

The Harsh Reality

I can now see and feel that my sessions are taking a toll on my body. The last time I stepped on a weighing scale, I weighed 158lbs. Earlier, I braved the fear of looking sick so I decided to have myself weighed. I was shocked! I lost 16 pounds! So I went upstairs, removed all my clothing, and faced the inevitable. The mirror. Darn! I'm getting skinny!

I thought I was on my way to recovery because I've already had 3 radiation sessions and 2 chemotherapy sessions. Then, I had 18 lumps. After the first session, 3 lumps were dissolved. And last week, 5 more. So now, I only have 10 lumps. But why am I losing weight?

As I looked closely in the mirror, I felt like I was looking at someone else's reflection. Shoulders slumped forward, collar bone showing, some of the upper ribs are showing as well and cheeks looking like a balloon pricked with a needle. But what caught my attention the most, were those eyes...

They were looking back at me but not really seeing. It looked like those pair of eyes were... Haunted.

That's when it hit me! Majority of my friends are not even aware of my condition. And I'm not telling them that I've got Cancer because.. I don't know.. Just because! My plan was to inform them after I've recovered. But the reflection in front of me cannot deny the fact that he is suffering. That I am suffering. Badly.

I need a makeover! I need to, somehow, hide all the signs that I'm not feeling well...

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I guess it's time to say "hello Revlon" or "hello Ever Bilena"...

Thoughts

I haven't visited my blog site lately. It's not that I don't have the time. It's just that, I don't feel like sharing what I'm undergoing these past few weeks. Some might say I'm overreacting. And maybe I am. But it's who I am and how I deal with things..

Recently, a friend of mine passed away. He was my mentor, my choreographer and my friend. We used to call him "Kuya Mhon". He was always smiling and laughing and cheering everybody up. He was the life of the party.

I was browsing over a magazine when I heard the news of his passing. I was stunned. The last I heard of him, he was on his was to recovery. So it was really really unexpected. As much as I'd like to go and attend the funeral, I can't. My condolence and prayers goes out to him and his family.

After the mourning stage, it got me thinking.. If Kuya Mhon, the ever popular "energizer" was not able to overcome what he had, what about me and my sickness? I know it's far too different, but I can't prevent the fear that's slowly taking a hold of me. I wish I can simply shake it off, but I can't. Now, I'm really afraid of what might happen.

Tik Tak Tik Tak

Zombie.. That's what I am. At least that's what I think I am..

I wake up every morning yet I do not see the sunshine that majority seems to enjoy. I cannot seem to find the meaning of preparing to start a new day with much joy and enthusiasm. I cannot find the meaning of surviving and living free.

My life crashed so bad that I think I already unlearned the art of smiling.

I used to have big dreams. I used to have hope. I used to have faith. And that is just the fucking problem! All that were a part of the "used to" now. So much have changed! All because of this illness!

Now I'm wondering if I can still hope. Probably because I'm afraid to do just that.

I feel like I'm a prisoner. I cannot do this, I cannot eat that...

If this is what it will be like from now on, might as well give up the fight. I am tired. So tired. I'm wishing all of this to stop. I wish everything to just simply end. I wish life is as easy as that. If you're tired and wanting things to just end, you'll simply click the eject button and go directly to heaven. If there really is heaven...

...

I wish I can say I'm O.K. But I'm not. And I don't think I will be, until I'm finally "free" from this bullshit I'm currently facing...

First Session...

Had my first Chemo session the other day. Man, it was draining! After the session, I felt so exhausted and tired and weak. I felt like vomiting the entire trip home. Thankfully I was able to hold it in. Until I got to my bathroom, that is.

Earlier I felt something strange. I can't quite explain it but something weird is happening. I've no bruise or anything, I just felt sore. Super sore! There is something wrong and I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Guess I have to go see my doctor again...

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I can do this! I will win over this hell-hole!

Freedom

Free me! Emancipate me from this hell-hole! I will fight! I will not stumble and fall! I will not let this illness dictate my thoughts and actions! I will not go down without a fight! It will be difficult, and at times I may think of just quitting, but I will succeed! I will conquer this sickness! And I will live to tell the world how I survived! I will be OK. Free me!