Beginning of the End

I am drowning..


I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?


So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.


To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?


I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.


Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.


A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.


For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.


I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.


Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.


Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..