Break Of Dawn

As night turns into day, I feel a sense of triumph as I survive another day of a never endless battle from my unlikely demons. Demons that I thought I could not conquer. Demons that I thought would make me numb until life was sucked out of me. Demons that would take me farther down an abyssal nothingness.

I now know how to fight my battles. Even if it's just one day at a time. At least I'm surviving. And at this point, that's what counts the most. Me surviving.

I thought I was ready to give it all away. I thought I was ready to end it all. But I was wrong.

Last Saturday afternoon, I received a call from somebody very unexpected. My brother whom I haven't talk to for a while now called me up to check how I'm doing. It was so unexpected because we were never really close. I was not expecting him to call me up to simply ask my whereabouts and my little shenanigans. It gave me warmth and a sense of belongingness to know that he remembers me. And it felt good. Again, my overactive dramatization of life kicked-in.

The simple Hi's and Hello's turned into the type of conversation where super logical thinking needs to be in place. Well, that's my brother alright. I don't know how it happened, or who directed the whole conversation into that topic, but I suddenly found myself talking about what I think went wrong in our "perfect little family". I talked about me graduating grade school and the things he said before I marched down the isle. Words that somehow, made me the "icy" Tofi. Words that up to now, every time I remember, gives off a bitter feeling making me want to vomit.

My Mom and my other Kuya had no idea what happened. And since we are not the "open" type when it comes to sharing our thoughts, they didn't ask any questions at all. Which, in my opinion, added to the ever growing space between my eldest Kuya and I. Until, the conversation, that is. So my Kuya and I talked and talked for at least a couple of hours or so, when he finally said, "I've said my piece. Hope it wasn't to late to make amends. Hope it's not too late to baby my kid brother around kahit malaki ka na."

I couldn't talk. What is there to say anyway? I was so moved that I can't even think of a coherent thought. I felt like, if I open my mouth, I'll only squeak. Not because I don't care to what he said, but because I'm about to cry. What baffled me was the last words he said before he hung up the phone. He said, "whatever you're undergoing through right now, andito lang ako. Kuya mo pa rin ako. And I'll always protect you kasi ikaw and baby brother ko." Then he hung-up.

Tears started to fall without me knowing it. Until a teardrop fell on my hand. The wall that I've created around me now has a crack. A very comforting crack at that! I looked outside my window and there was the glorious sunshine. Bathing me with its warmth and passion for life.

That's when I realized, Jeff, Chase, Sam, Dok, Mugen, Claire, Jason, Alexa and India were right all along. It will take someone to cast the spell away. Someone who can make me whole again. In my case, my eldest brother..

I didn't talk to my brother about what pains me or what haunts me everyday. But somehow, knowing that I've rekindled the bond we used to have gave me hope that indeed, there is life beyond what I believed to be a dead end.

Now, I'm facing another battle. A battle I must learn to fight everyday. A whole new kind of battle to enjoy life as much as I can. A battle wherein failure will only be a breeze away for I know I'll have my family to fall back on. A battle, I know, I can win someday...