Goodbye.. Friend

"It's with a heavy heart that I inform you of the demise of a well-loved friend and Points 'n Flexes Alumnus, Louie Bago. He passed away yesterday. Please pray for his departed soul. Thanks"

That's what roused me from a rather boring and uneventful day. For a minute there I wasn't ale to move. Rather, I cannot move. I tried to move a muscle but failed. I tried to breathe but it seemed like I forgot how to. I tried to focus my eyes on the reports I was doing but it would not either. My head was spinning out of control.

I knew I had to step out. I knew what was about to happen. Nausea started to rise as Louie's ever-smiling face started to appear infront of the monitor. But still, I'm frozen.

I felt someone tapping my shoulder. And it was what I exactly needed to break from the trance I'm in. I looked up and Aoie was looking at me funny.

"Are you O.K? Bigla ka nalang namutla jan ah"

"May na-recieve lang akong text"

"Eh bakit ka nga biglang namutla?"

"Wala. Kailangan ko lang ng fresh air"

I stepped out of the building and started to walk. As usual, walking helps me think. Helps me re-organize my thoughts back into coherentness.

I felt my left pocket for my lighter but it wasn't there. I must have left it in my office. This sudden need to smoke was brought on by the realization that one of my friends just passed away. A friend, whose passion was to dance his heart out. A friend whose desire was to make other people smile. A friend, who I just promised last week that I'd go and visit but was unable to. A friend who, way back in college, taught me how to "de-stress" by lighting up a cigarette. My friend, Louie.

I sat at my favorite spot in the park. It has become my own little sanctuary where I can reflect and think about almost everything. My own little dream world.

Louie was the type who loves to kid around. He always had a joke with him. And no matter how serious or depressing the mood was, he finds a way to make "things" brighter. It was his personality. It was the Louie that all of De La Salle Performing Arts Group loved and that we'll surely miss..

As I inhale the last puff of my ever dependable cigarette, I made a promise to go and visit Sta. Clara church this Sunday. I will write a prayer for your soul and for mine as well. Maybe soon, if I can no longer contain this depression I've been feeling for weeks now, I might go and "visit" you..

Until then my friend, I'll miss you...

Taking Chances

So, it's "Park Day" for me again. Time to go and visit the place where you simply sat beside me and watched the clouds go by.

Your Ipod in hand, I'll wait. Hoping that I'll see you.

Soon..

Until then, I'll regularly drop by the park and wait..

Again, thank you.

Epiphany

Eyes staring but not seeing, I walked until I accidentally bumped into you. Not minding the interruption, I continued to walk until I got tired. I looked for a place to rest, luckily, I saw a perfect spot where I could lie on my back and reflect. Inattentive to my surrounding, the guy I bumped was looking from afar. Wondering why I look so empty. So desolate.

I closed my eyes as I hold back the tears. I thought about bluebirds soaring high to repress the overpowering presence of pain. I imagined myself biting in a sugar-coated doughnut just to alleviate myself from succumbing to despair. But all of the musings and imaginings failed. I still feel the pain. Taste it even.

"Wanna share?", I heard a voice say.

I looked up and saw you. My lips started to open as I was about to say sorry thinking that you followed because you were annoyed. But you cut me off by saying

"No need. I can tell something is bothering you. Mind if I sit beside you?".

I did not respond for I don't know what to say. Again, I closed my eyes and continued my wandering imagination. I was running a list of the things I need to do back at the office trying to ignore the distraction beside me.

"Listen to this. Hope it helps you forget whatever it is that's troubling you", you said.

You handed one of the earphones of your Ipod so I can listen. Enya's Only Time was playing. I strained to understand the lyrics. I listened. And somehow, Enya's voice soothed me. Calmed me. It emptied me from the unfathomable despair I was feeling.

I opened my eyes to check the time. You're gone. I looked around but you were no where to be found. All that's left of your presence was your Ipod and a note in the middle of the impression on the ground right beside me. I picked up the note and it read

"You were sound asleep so I didn't bother to wake you up. At least for a moment there, you're at peace with what pains you. You can give me back the Ipod when we see each other again Ü."

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. But somehow, it put a smile on my face. Because in a way, I probably am assuming, but we did connect.


Right?

I stood up. Hoping I'd see you and just playing a prank on me. But disappointment creeps-in as my eyes fail to locate you. I brushed my pants off, folded the note, placed the Ipod in my pocket and started to walk again. Before I cross the street, I decided to go somewhere and be merry. I decided to seek solitude in the comforting arms of alcohol.

Now that's a good plan to forget!

I found myself in a bar somewhere in Makati holding a beer in hand as I search the crowd for a familiar face. And since I found none, I thought, "perfect!". At least no one would recognize me in case I get intoxicated. I drank, I'm not sure of the figure, 13 bottles I believe. I drank like there's no tomorrow. People were looking, but I didn't mind them. I just drank and drank and drank until finally, out of exhaustion maybe, I passed out..

I felt someone slightly tapping my cheek. Indeed, I must have passed out because I was still sitting in the same stool. I pulled out my wallet, placed some bills on the counter and left the bar. My head feeling like it was about to explode, I hailed a cab and gone home.

Thinking that sleep can somehow ease the terrible headache, I headed directly towards my bed. Not having the strength to change into a more comfortable outfit, I let gravity pull me down into the warm embrace of the comforter. But as I made contact with my pillow, vile kicked in. I rushed towards the bathroom and let the unwanted taste of vomit surge.

After taking a shower and some pain-killers, I sat at the couch and opened my laptop to check some mails. I did not attempt to get back to sleep in fear that when I close my eyes, the world will start to swirl. Giving me another bout of vomiting.

While checking my emails, I remembered you and the Ipod that you left. I went to my room to go get it and probably download Enya songs as my way of saying thank you. When I turned it on and pressed the play button, another Enya song assailed me. A sweet assailant at that. Amarantine was playing.

Wishful thinking or Coincidence? Either of the two, it made me smile because I have that album. Suddenly it dawned on me, how will I return your Ipod if in the first place, I don't know who you are, where you live, your name, and your number?

I'll take my chances.


Yesterday afternoon, before I went to work, I decided to drop by the park. With hope that you might pass by so I can return your Ipod, I roamed the whole park. There was no "you". It saddened me. Probably because I want to say "thank you" personally.

So until our next meeting, my plan is to drop by the park before going to work. Even if it's my day off, I'll still go to the park.

Wishing, praying, hoping that sooner or later, I will have my chance to say "thank you"...

Wish

A friend once told me that I wish for more than what I deserve. In reality, what I'm wishing for is something that I know will eventually complement what I already have. It's a harsh reality when you know that what you are wishing for is something that might take a lifetime. What's harder is when you know that what you are fervently wishing for can never be, and will never ever be yours for the taking.

Acceptance of that fact came hard for me. Just like how pirates searched for the rainbow's end trying to find the pot of gold that our ancestors' imagination conjured. Like a leaf, wishing for freedom as it's end firmly held by the stem that nourished it until the leaf flourished, but when finally released from captivity brought about by a mere gust of wind, desperately cries for help because it knows that the consequence is for the leaf to wither and die. Then, the dawn of realization will come.

It's a lesson in life that I recently accepted. A lesson that took me a while to decipher the meaning. Thankfully, even though it brought me down on my knees, I learned. Learned that wishing can lead you to distraction. Learned that wishing can appease your fears. Learned that in wishing, life can be more than what we make out of it..

Kath

A face that defies "ageless"...

Many has been written, many has been said, but only a few have captured the true essence of the word......

"BEAUTY"

Catherine Tabon

Mommy Nonette

Ito ang mommy ko sa production floor..

Well, actually mommy sa ng lahat..

Thunders.. Pero may asim pa!! :D

I am sorry

Touching the letters that marks the spot where you lay, a drop fell. Not aware that it came from my eye, I pushed it out of the markings. I looked above then closed my eyes.

Another tear-drop fell.

This time, with the realization that it was mine as it rolled down my cheek. Instinct caused my hand to reach for it and wipe the tear away. I looked at the finger that made contact, it glistens with wetness. Upon looking at my finger, I remembered your coaxing words as it used to calm my emotions. Every line, every word, every phrase, every comment, it never fails to pacify the turmoil I'm feeling.

As I stand before the grassy mound where all my fond memories of you rest, I can't help it but to feel remorse. I never meant to be so cold and distant. God know's how much I wanted to reach out and be your friend. But in doing so, it caused you even more pain. I tried and tried, countless of times. But still, I cannot seem to touch you. That's when I decided to stop..

------ ------ ------

You thought I never cared. You thought I never listened. The reality was, I just don't know how to react. How to say "thanks" for all the lessons you've taught me.

Little did I know, the "end" was near..

------ ------ ------

Now I understand why you felt that way. Now I realize the pain that I've caused. It might be too late to say I am sorry, but I will say it anyway..

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry...

Now I stand infront of your grave, pleading for forgiveness..

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry..

Mom.

Dandelion

As I ruminate on the things that happened during my existence, I now know how foolish I've been. I do not wish for things to change. For I know that the consequences that I've encountered were direct result of my decisions. Majority of them might not be wise, but at the time I made those, I benefited. Just as the blossom of the dandelions decided to take flight away from it's bud. Scattered by the gentle wind as they frolic in the freedom they think they've accomplished. But after a great fall, tears well up from their tips as they regret fleeing from the protective arms of the mighty dandelion..

Fly Away

I've always been fascinated with Doves. They're the symbolism of women with poise and children free from guile and "cunningness". Regardless of its size and color, Dove's are synonymous to innocence brought about by their existence. Beautifully sculpted wings twice the size of it's body, spreading out, conquering the wind and making it it's subordinate, taking flight as the power of air lifted the Dove way above the clouds.

That's what I want to experience. That's what I want to be..

I have conquered many fears. Just as the Dove conquered it's fear of height in it's early stages of life. And just like a Dove, I am soaring in my aspirations that I wish to fulfill someday. Beyond the realms of sanity, I fly with fervor just to feel the warmth of the people I hold dear. With great passion, I fly away to feel the confines of my emotions. My wings flapping away as I mimic a child emancipated from the loving arms of its mother. Flying, soaring, ascending in an abyssal state of mind..

Someday..

Someday..

Someday..

My freedom will be in it's absolute form.. Just like a Dove..

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Hope that someday will be soon..

Good mood ako!!!!

Good mood ako.. Good mood ako.. Good mood ako...

Since this morning, ito and sinasabi ko. Ito ang chant ng buhay ko for this day. And dapat maging mood ko the whole day. Pero parang imposible! Mantakin mo, yung officemate ko napakahilig magmagaling, bumibida nanaman.

Pagkagising ko, feeling ko ang fresh-fresh ko. Pero simula nung nakita ko siya, nagsimula nang makontra ang "good mood" chant ko. Nung nagkita kami pag dating ko sa office, ang isinalubong sakin, irap.

Walang dating!

Pakialam ko?! Eh 'di umirap siya ng umirap hanggang maduling siya! Wala akong pakialam!

Again, good mood ako! Ulitin pa, good mood ako! Isa pa, good mood ako!

Hindi ko nalang pinansin the whole day. Pero parang nananadya ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Thursday pala ngayon! Meaning, may calibration kami! And wala akong ibang choice kundi makisama since kasama naman talaga siya sa calibration session! Asaaaarrr!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Buti nalang hindi natuloy ang calibration. Nung tinawagan na namin yung client, cancelled daw ang calibration. Sa loob-loob ko, Yihiiiiiii! Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

During lunch break, nagsabi yung isang officemate ko na manglilibre daw siya ng lunch. Itago nalang natin sa pangalang "tangkad". So in-invite si boss. Eh ang sabi naman ni boss, mags-stay nalang daw siya kasi kawawa naman ang mga maiiwan sa floor. Fine! So nagpa-order nalang sila. Pero take note, libre pa din ni tangkad yung food ah. Before kami lumabas ng floor, narinig ni tangkad na may kausap si "officemate". And guess what, ako ang pinagu-usapan! Na kesyo mukha daw tikbalang at kung ano-ano pa! Ang kapal ng mukha!

Hooooops... Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Pagbalik namin sa floor, binigay na ni tangkad yung food nila boss (kasama si "officemate"). Sa conferrence room sila kumain. 3 sila. Fine. Good mood ako! After nila kumain, unang lumabas si TM. In fairness naman kay TM, nag thank you siya kay tangkad. Nung si boss ang lumabas, nag thank you din. Nung si "officemate" na yung lumabas, pucha dere-derecho ang lakad! Humablot ng tumbler ng isang agent sabay inom ng tubig na laman nung tumbler. Ang kapal ng mukha! Ako yung nahiya para kay tangkad!!!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Towards the end of the shift, iniwasan ko na para nga hindi na masira ang araw ko. Again, magaling manukso ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Pagsakay ko ng elevator, biglang sumulpot si "officemate" sa pinto! At dalawa lang kami sa loob! From 18th floor hanggang sa ground floor, wala na siyang ibang sinabi kundi "bakit ganyan ang suot mo? Hindi pa naman Friday ah, bakit naka-jeans ka?" "Ganyan ba talaga ang kulay ng damit mo? Parang ang dumi!" Habang sinasabi niya yung mga yun, sa isip-isip ko, "good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!"

Parang ang tagal bumaba ng elevator! Siyeeet! Nung nasa ground foor na, pucha hindi pa bumukas yung pintuan! In short, na-stuck kaming dalawa sa loob! Ang magaling na officemate, hala nagsi-sigaw sa loob! Hindi ba niya naisip na kulob yung boses niya?! Feeling ko nga, nabasag na yung ear-drum ko sa lakas ng sigaw niya! Baka nga may umaagos pang dugo palabas! Siyeeet! Ako naman, nakapikit lang...

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

Bumukas yung pintuan ng elevator after 35 minutes! Yun na siguro ang pinaka masayang moment ng buhay ko! Yung isiping makakalabas na ako at uuwi na! At hindi ko na siya makikita the rest of the day!

Bahala na bukas sa office pag nakita ko siya ulit! Ah may naisip ako, magpapa-late ako at sa ibang post ako uupo! Yung post na pinakamalayo sa post ni "officemate"! Tama!

Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!

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Salamat sa'yo Mommy Nonette at kahit paano

gumagaan ang araw ko sa office

everytime nakikita ko ang napaka-ganda mong bangs!

Hehe! I love you mommy! .. :p

Reunion..

I'm home..

God! How I missed my family!!!

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Can't help but think about my kuya..

Hope your throat is O.K. now.

Letting Go..

[An entry in my college journal]

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I was at a coffee shop drinking my chocolate frappe away when this guy came in and sat down infront of me.
I thought, “Freak! You’re invading my space!”.
But then I thought, it's better than sitting there all alone with people looking through the glass right at me and thinking I’m a loser or something coz I’m alone.
Suddenly, this guy asked me a question “Why are you sad?”.
Huh? Me? Sad? Am I that transparent that people can see what I’m feeling or thinking? I looked at him without answering his question.
Then he asked another question, “can you not drink your chocolate frappe without seeing her face on it?”
What the…? Who is this guy anyway? Is he the modern prophet or somethin? Still, I just stared at him blankly not answering his questions. Then he said, “you have to move on, you know. Life will not pause for you just because she left you without giving you some reason as to why she left you.” !!!!!!!!!
Then it made me think… Yeah, he’s probably right. But the thing is….
Let me just ask you this question instead…..
Will you let go of something or someone knowing that she is the source of your happiness? I can pretend. But I cannot do it. I can show the world I can survive the “tragedy” of being dumped. But that's the only thing I can do. I can only pretend. Just pretend. It's not that easy letting go of someone especially if you’ve been together for more than 3 years. They can do it in the movies, yes. But not in real life. Because in reality, after the break-up, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life thinking all the what if’s, the what could’ve been's and all the what might have been’s…
Yeah at times you’ll manage a smile or even a laugh, but deep down you’re totaly broken.
Well, at least thats what I’m feeling. Maybe after a couple of lifetimes, I can then move-on. But whose to say when?
And let me just add, it's a choice. The things I said, those were my choices. Why? Just because.
This story has probably bored you to death.
So im goin to stop now.

Application..

share ko lng..
nung naghihintay ako tawagin un name ko para sa interview, application for work, may katabi ako na, pag tinignan mo plng, parang ang galing galing na. ang ganda ng suot. at may necktie pa! nilapitan ko. tapos simpleng kwentuhan lang. at ang depotah, ang galing magenglish! nanliit ako! pero keme na. hanggang tawagin un name namin, kasabay ko pa pala sa interview ang hayop. so feeling ko, ndi ako matatanggap kc mas magsh-"shine" xa sa paningin ng interviewer. pag pasok namin dun sa room, taas noo xa. tapos may i "goodmorning" xa dun sa interviewer. so naisip ko, potah dagdag points un for him. so umupo na kami. tumingin un interviewer sakanya. tapos tinanong:

interviewer: so how are you?
michael(un maganda un porma): im perfectly fine and confident.

sa isip ko, tangna parang nasobrahan nmn sa pagka confident!

interviewer: so michael tell me, what are the lessons that you've learned outside the confines of the instituion that you've been in?
michael: i was never institutionalized! for you information, my IQ level is very high!

(tanga! bobo!)

interviewer: no what i meant was, what are the lessons in life that you have gained?
michael: i know that! and i believe in myself! because i used to be a working student!

(ay wow! ang layo ng sagot ni hayuuup!)

interviewer: nevermind (smile). so, how do you see yourself ten years from now?
michael: oh im very very old!

ndi ko napigilan ang sarili ko, potah and lakas ng tawa ko. sobra! natawa na din un interviewer. after nun, ako na un tinanong. and to cut the story short, ako ang natanggap. hahaha. corny ng kwento ko sheeeet! hahaha.

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I'm not judgemental..

O.K. so I am..

I'm just telling you what happened.. :D

I miss you.. Ma

[This was an entry in my journal when I was still in college.. Good thing I saved it.. :D]

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i can't breathe..
the onslaught of memories
keeps tumbling down on me.
i miss you..
terribly!

it's been more than three years since i last saw your heart-shaped face. everytime i miss you, i just close my eyes and i am taken back to your warm embrace. everytime i enter the kitchen, i always remember the aroma of your super special meal cooked just for me.. i miss you.

i remember when you used to rock me off in your lap until i fell asleep. when im cold at night, i go back to the deep recesses of my mind to imagine the pillows as a substitute for your arms hugging me tightly as i try to sleep.. i miss you.

i miss you..
i miss you..
i love you.. Mommy..