Maturity, as they say, gives you the freedom to choose your actions. And with those, situations are but reactions according to your decisions.
Everybody reaches maturity in their own time. It just so happens that some gain it earlier, while the others are taking time to do so.
But what about those people who were forced into maturity? Those people whose lives change not because they want it, but because they no longer have other option? Those people who have no recourse left but to face the challenges head-on? People, just like you and me, who have our own battles to fight? People, whose lives will soon be connected to us in about a hundred different ways.
I was browsing the net when I came upon this blog entry about forced maturity. A boy whose faith and fate changed everyones opinion and perception of him. Jo-ga, a screen name perhaps, was forced to "raise" himself in a squatters area somewhere along the busy streets of Pasay.
At an early age of 12, he had 2 jobs. During the day, he can be found at the dump site collecting garbage-recyclables to support his studies. During the night, he uses his swimming capabilities to join the "swimmer's club" to get mussels to provide food at the table.
Jo-ga was the type who never complains. Instead, he was always thankfull because he has the strength to do his jobs and his schooling. Not only was he hard-working, he also has a heart of gold.
That could very well be the reason why he's called "Totoy Kristo" in their community.
He thinks of himself lucky because, eventhough he doesn't have a family and there was no explanation as to where they are, he was still surviving everyday. Living life the way he knows how.
A man approached Jo-ga one day and asked if they can interview him for a documentary since he was a little bit popular within the Pasay "swimmers". He declined because, as he said it, there's no story to tell. He's just an ordinary boy left with a box of maturity on his lap. And since he doesn't have any idea what to do with that maturity, he decided to keep it so he can share to others what tiny little lessons life taught him.
He was 25 when he graduated college thanks to his perseverance to finish school. Jo-ga was asked to do the Farewell Speech on the graduation proper itself..
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"Hindi lahat ng nakapagtapos ng pagaaral ay mapalad. Hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon sa pagkakadapa. At hindi lahat ng tao ay may pagnanais na bumangon mula sa pagkakalugmok.
Ang isang pagkakamali ay hindi na maitatama ng panahon. Ang nakaraan na buhay ay gawing gabay sa ating patutunguhan.
Malayo pa ang lalakbayin natin. Hindi dapat huminto ang pagsisikap sa simpleng pagtatapos ng kolehiyo. Bagkus, ito ay pahudyat lamang ng isang nagbabadyang magandang kinabukasan.
Atin itong bigyan ng halaga. Hayaan nating pagbuklurin ng mga aspetong ito ang ating diwa at pag-iisip upang maging ganap sa atin ang kalayaang sumisimbolo ng ating sipag at tiyaga."
------
Jo-ga worked his way to the top. He now owned a quaint house somewhere in Makati, 2 cars, educational facility for the new generation of "swimmer's club" in Pasay and a prestigous title amongst the list of his accomplishments.
Which led me into thinking, how do we differentiate maturity from responsibility? Is there a difference at all? I mean, anybody can be mature, but not all mature people can be responsible.
Responsibility is not a question of how mature a person is. Maturity is not quantifiable by how responsible you are. Responsiblity is not measurable by how young or old a person is. Maturity can be pre-determined by how wise a persons decisions are.
I confess that I, myself am not sure of my definition. I don't even think that my reasoning is correct. I may not be responsible at times. Immature even on occassions. But I think those flaws are what defines us as individuals.
Jo-ga's story is an illustration of the fine line between responsibility and maturity. Maturity because he was wise beyond his age. He was responsible because he stayed focus and never let the fact that he's alone deter him from realizing what he wanted in life. Maybe my analization is incorrect. Maybe I got it all wrong. I probably had it twisted the other way around. Still, I am happy of the outcome.
------
I am sharing Jo-ga's story to set an example to those who dare to dream.
Jo-ga, thank you for letting me share your story..ÜÜÜ
November 28, 2008
November 25, 2008
Chain of Liberty
I was ready to leave the park where I usually spend my lazy afternoons away when I saw this girl in the other end clutching something in her hand. But what really caught my attention was the way she stared at nothing in particular. I can't quite explain it but I know the look. That kind of look. She's seeing more than the grassy earth infront of her. More than what the bittersweet memories can conjur.
I wasn't aware that I was walking towards her until she looked up and said I was blocking her sun out. All the time I was supposed to be walking, I was thinking how vulnerable she looked.
I apologized and said that it wasn't my intention to screen her from the sunlight. She simply looked at me with that brown eyes full of sorrow. It has to be the saddest eyes I've ever seen in my entire life.
I asked if I can sit beside her. Since she did not respond, I took that as a yes.
So there I was sitting beside the saddest girl in the world not knowing why I was there nor how to start a conversation. I was trying to think of a nice way to say "hi" but to no avail.
Then I remembered a time not so long ago when, I think I was in the same state of mind, I was sitting in the same park contemplating on how to end my problems when this guy approached me, not saying anything, and lended me his music player.
I searched my pocket for the music player since I don't usually go out without it hoping that I'd see the guy who lended it to me.
I turned it on Enya's "A Day Without Rain" and handed her an earpiece. She looked at me with questioning eyes as if asking why am I talking to her. I simply said, "I know how it feels". I asked her to put on the earpiece and listen to the music playing.
She did so without further question. She sat back beside me, stared infront and focused her attention to Enya's "oohh's" and "aahh's". All the while, I was hoping that she'd feel a little better just like what it did to me.
Right after the song ended, she looked at me with a smile. Then she added, "thank you".
I smiled in return. I felt like there's no need for me to answer simply because I know, having somebody beside you, even if you don't know the person, can mean alot. Especially if you're feeling like you're all alone.
So there we were. Strangers yet similar in alot of ways. We might not know each others quirks and stuffs, but somehow, having someone beside us was enough to get us through the day.
Tomorrow is another story. Another chapter, another book whose author still have no idea what to do and what will happen...
------
I'm happy because I was able to give back what was given to me by You and your music player. I don't know how to say it, nor explain it, but it gave me peace of mind. I thank you.
Hope I see you next time I visit the park.
I've already added 23 songs in your Ipod. Hope you like 'em.Ü
I wasn't aware that I was walking towards her until she looked up and said I was blocking her sun out. All the time I was supposed to be walking, I was thinking how vulnerable she looked.
I apologized and said that it wasn't my intention to screen her from the sunlight. She simply looked at me with that brown eyes full of sorrow. It has to be the saddest eyes I've ever seen in my entire life.
I asked if I can sit beside her. Since she did not respond, I took that as a yes.
So there I was sitting beside the saddest girl in the world not knowing why I was there nor how to start a conversation. I was trying to think of a nice way to say "hi" but to no avail.
Then I remembered a time not so long ago when, I think I was in the same state of mind, I was sitting in the same park contemplating on how to end my problems when this guy approached me, not saying anything, and lended me his music player.
I searched my pocket for the music player since I don't usually go out without it hoping that I'd see the guy who lended it to me.
I turned it on Enya's "A Day Without Rain" and handed her an earpiece. She looked at me with questioning eyes as if asking why am I talking to her. I simply said, "I know how it feels". I asked her to put on the earpiece and listen to the music playing.
She did so without further question. She sat back beside me, stared infront and focused her attention to Enya's "oohh's" and "aahh's". All the while, I was hoping that she'd feel a little better just like what it did to me.
Right after the song ended, she looked at me with a smile. Then she added, "thank you".
I smiled in return. I felt like there's no need for me to answer simply because I know, having somebody beside you, even if you don't know the person, can mean alot. Especially if you're feeling like you're all alone.
So there we were. Strangers yet similar in alot of ways. We might not know each others quirks and stuffs, but somehow, having someone beside us was enough to get us through the day.
Tomorrow is another story. Another chapter, another book whose author still have no idea what to do and what will happen...
------
I'm happy because I was able to give back what was given to me by You and your music player. I don't know how to say it, nor explain it, but it gave me peace of mind. I thank you.
Hope I see you next time I visit the park.
I've already added 23 songs in your Ipod. Hope you like 'em.Ü
November 17, 2008
Restraint...
I'm going a little crazy as I inhale your honeysuckle scent. Intoxicating. So addicting. I ran a hand on your silky hair. Feeling it's texture as I imagine our bodies tangled under the sheets. Your lips on my ear sending shivers down my spine as you blow sweet little nothings teamed with your caresses.
I turned my neck so I can nibble at your lips while my hands are roaming freely in you body. I cupped a breast and watched as you catch fire right before my eyes. Just the vision of you flushed with passion was enough to set me off. But I held on. I knew that if I succumb to the need now, it will soon be over.
I heard you gasp as I sucked a nipple while my hands are drawing small circles on your back. My tongue lightly rubbing as I make your nipple hard as a pebble. Not satisfied until I hear you moan, I continued sucking while you beg for more.
I replaced my lips with my hand and gave the other nipple the same attention. Every moan, every gasp and every cry you make, takes me closer to the edge of fulfillment.
I cannot hold back any longer. I have to feel your warmth around me. I need to feel your wetness as I slowly make my way inside your pulsating body.
I positioned a thigh between your legs and parted them as I stare at you. Amazed at how your body glow under the pale moonlight. My head dipped to suck a nipple while I directed my arousal in the center of you femininity. I aimed, circling, searching. But not finding. Until I heard a buzzing sound... My alarm.
No! No! Noo! It was a dream. It was just a dream.
I got up stiff and aroused. Mood worsening every second as I trod towards the bathroom to take another cold shower. I guess I have to be used to that more often since I'm not the type who sleeps around.
For now, I have to be satisfied with my vivid dreams and wild imagination. It will do... For now...
I turned my neck so I can nibble at your lips while my hands are roaming freely in you body. I cupped a breast and watched as you catch fire right before my eyes. Just the vision of you flushed with passion was enough to set me off. But I held on. I knew that if I succumb to the need now, it will soon be over.
I heard you gasp as I sucked a nipple while my hands are drawing small circles on your back. My tongue lightly rubbing as I make your nipple hard as a pebble. Not satisfied until I hear you moan, I continued sucking while you beg for more.
I replaced my lips with my hand and gave the other nipple the same attention. Every moan, every gasp and every cry you make, takes me closer to the edge of fulfillment.
I cannot hold back any longer. I have to feel your warmth around me. I need to feel your wetness as I slowly make my way inside your pulsating body.
I positioned a thigh between your legs and parted them as I stare at you. Amazed at how your body glow under the pale moonlight. My head dipped to suck a nipple while I directed my arousal in the center of you femininity. I aimed, circling, searching. But not finding. Until I heard a buzzing sound... My alarm.
No! No! Noo! It was a dream. It was just a dream.
I got up stiff and aroused. Mood worsening every second as I trod towards the bathroom to take another cold shower. I guess I have to be used to that more often since I'm not the type who sleeps around.
For now, I have to be satisfied with my vivid dreams and wild imagination. It will do... For now...
November 11, 2008
Ang Paghihiganti ni Pilosopong Tasyo!
November 10, 2009 - 10:10 pm
Kabababa ko lang ng bus sa Ayala. Maaga pa ako para sa shift kong 11:00 pm. Pwede pa magsindi ng isang stick ng sigarilyo. *hithit-hinga ng malalim-buga* Haay! Haggard-free!Ang dami ko pa naman dalang gamit kasi galing ako sa bahay last weekend. Iniisip ko, makakapag palit pa ako ng damit sa pad, makaka-kain pa ng dinner, at makakapag toothbrush pa. Palagi ko na nga lang aagahan pumasok sa office every Monday. Para pag dating ko sa office.. FRESH!
Pagkaubos ng yosi, pitik sa gilid.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
Lumingon ako. May pulis. Naglalakad palapit sa akin. Pero I bet hindi ako ang lalapitan nya.
"Boss" sabay kaway. Lumingon ako sa likod ko. Wala naman tao. Sira ulo yata 'to na nagpapanggap lang na pulis.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
"Boss, ikaw". Ako? Bakit? Ah siguro magtatanong lang kung anong oras na. Pero may suot naman siyang relo. Baka walang battery? O kaya sira? Anyway, lumapit ako kay mamang pulis.
"Boss, alam mo bang bawal magtapon ng sigarilyo dito sa Ayala?" sabi n'ya.
Nanlamig ako. Naramdaman ko yung lamig na gumapang sa buo kong katawan. Nagpawis din ang noo at kamay ko kahit malamig ang panahon. Bad trip! Bakit ngayon pa?! Asar! Pero teka lang, 10:30 na ng gabi ah. Dapat wala ng pulis! Tinanong ko si mamang pulis na ang apelyido ay Gonzales base sa uniform n'ya, "Ha? bawal? Naku pasensya na po sa abala. Hindi na po mauulit."
"Bossing pasensya na din pero nahuli kitang nagtapon ng sigarilyo" sagot naman ni Gonzales.
Para hindi na tumagal ang usapan, sige hulihin mo ako. Ok lang. 'Wag lang akong ma-late sa office at andun ang mga clients. Naisip ko din, masyado nang late pero nanghuhuli pa din si mamang pulis. Malamang, hindi ito umabot sa quota. Kung kinakailangan habaan ang pasensya, sige lang.
"Bossing ticket mo" sabay abot ng ticket sa akin.
Binasa ko.... Kumba kumba kumba.. 2,000!!!! Ano?! Dalawang libong piso para lamang sa pagtatapon ng sigarilyo sa kanto ng punyetang Ayala?!! 'Pag minamalas ka nga naman! Asar!!!
Tinanggap ko ang ticket at dali-dali na akong umalis. Ayokong ma-late. Dapat FRESH ako pag dating ko sa office.
10:43 pm
"Boss paki pin lang po ng ID" sabi ng manong guard sa baba ng building.
Halukayin ang bag! TEKA!! Nasaan ang ID ko?!! Bakit parang wala sa bag ko?!! Punyemas! 'Pag minamalas ka naman talaga oh!
"Eh manong, naiwan ko po yata. Hindi niyo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako dumadaan dito ah."
"Kakasimula ko lang po kahapon. Pasensya na po pero bawal po pumasok pag walang ID. Kung may extra po kayong ID, paiwan na lamang po sa reception" sagot sakin ng guard.
Grrrrr!!!! Malas malas malas! Ayaw ko na ng araw na ito! Grrrr!!! Yung FRESHNESS na iniisip ko kanina, unti-unti nang naglalaho!
11:02 pm
Basa ang buhok at likod ko ng pawis, at parang lahat na yata ng mga tiklop sa katawan ko e basa na din ng pawis!
Ang napaka gandang salubong sa akin ng manong guard sa 18th floor, "Bossing parang naglakad kayo sa putikan a." Sabay tawa.
Tinignan ko ang paa ko..
*JARAAAAN*
Umikot ang mundo nang makita ko na ang nanlilimahid kong paa! Naka tsinelas lang ako kaya ayun, may guhit ng putik sa ibabaw ng paa ko! At ang mga gilid ng kuko ko, siniksikan na ng putik! Kung makikita lang ng nanay ko ang paa ko ngayon, katakot-takot na sermon na ang inabot ko panigurado!
Para naman kay manong guard, "Manong, ganyan ang uso ngayon! ang tawag jan... SQUATERISH look!"
Dahil hindi ko na nahabol ang FRESH look, at late na din naman ako, pwes, magpapa-late na ako ng tuluyan! Dadaan na muna ako sa pad para maligo, maglinis ng kuko, at kumain!
11:32 pm
Ultra FRESH ang feeling ko habang naglalakad ako papuntang office. Naka tsinelas pa din, kasi iniwan ko pala sa opisina ang sapatos ko nung Biyernes bago ako umuwi. Pero naka business attire na ako. Pag akyat ko sa ulit sa 18th floor, dumaan muna ako sa pantry para kumuha ng tubig na maiinom at madadala sa loob ng production floor. Habang naglalakad, sinasabi ko sa isip na.. FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO!
Binuksan ko ang tumbler para uminom nang biglang may sumabit sa paa ko...
Tila nag slow-motion ang dahan-dahan kong pagbagsak! Nakita ko ang mga Bumbay na nakatingin sa akin at nakabukas pa ang mga bunganga ng mga hayop! Nakita ko ding umangat ang laman na tubig ng hawak kong tumbler kasabay ng paglipad ng isang tsinelas ko! Hanggang maramdaman ko ang matigas na sahig, una sa aking tuhod hanggang sa dibdib. Gustuhin ko mang pigilan ang nakakahiyang pag bagsak, hindi ko nagawa dahil hawak ko sa kaliwang kamay ang tumbler ng tubig na wala nang laman dahil lumilipad pa ang tubig, sa kanang kamay naman, ang basag ko nang telepono.
Nang maramdaman ko na ang sakit na dulot ng pagbagsak na, nanatili lang akong nakahiga sa sahig. Akala ko tapos na ang kahihiyan. Hindi pa pala! Yung tubig na kasalukuyang lumilipad, unti-unti nang bumababa! Gustuhin ko mang umilag, ang punyemas na katawan ko ayaw maki-cooperate! Ayaw n'yang gumalaw!!! Hanggang sa ayan na! Malapit na! Hahalikan na ng tubig ang ang mukha ko! Isa, dalawa, tat..
*SSPLAAAAAAAAAASHHHH*
Hindi ko man lang natapos ang pagbibilang ko. Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi dahil sa masakit ang katawan ko, kundi dahil sa kahihiyan! Sobrang nakakahiya!!! Eeeeeeee!!!
*PLONGK*
At ang magaling na tsinelas, sumunod pa! Sobra na 'to! Lord sana lumindol para ma-distract ang mga tao! Ayoko na! Bwiseeeeet na FRESHNESSSS yan!
Naghintay akong may lumapit sa akin. Aba! Ang mga hayuuup nagtatawanan lang sa post nila! Hindi ba nila alam kung ano feeling nang napapahiya?! Tumingin ako sa mga Bumbay, hoping na tutulungan nila at sasawayin ang mga agents. Pero hindi! Naki-tawa pa ang mga akala mong mababangong Bumbay! Leche! Pwes, pandilatan ko nga! 'Yung tipong nakamamatay na dilat!
Walang dating sa mga agents at Bumbay! Lalo pa nilang nilakasan ang tawa!
Nag-isip ako kung ano ang pinaka the best na paraan para matakasan ang kahihiyang ito. Tumawa din kaya ako? Para isipin nila na nagpapatawa lang ako. Pero mahirap tumawa kung naiiyak ka na sa sobrang kamalasan! Kung itutuloy ko naman ang pinipigilan ko ng luha, panigurado lalo lang silang tatawa. Deadma kaya? Hindi din! Masakit and pagbagsak ko para deadmahin! Aaaaahhhhh LECHE!!!
Bumangon nalang ako. Pinilit tumayo ng derecho kahit masakit ang tuhod at pwet ko. Go! Punasan ang tumutulong buhok ng dahan-dahan.. Sabay sabi ng,
"That's what you call GRAND ENTRANCE!"
Pinili ko nalang magpatawa kahit hiyang-hiya na ako. At least iisipin nila na OK lang sa akin 'yun. Iika-ika akong lumakad papunta sa offfice ko. Isang kamay nasa bewang, sa kabilang kamay naman, 'yung pesteng tumbler. At habang naglalakad, pinagda-dasal ko pa din na lumindol!
Pero deadma pa din si Papa Jesus. Haay. Goodbye FRESHNESS!!
'Pag pasok ko sa office, isasara ko na dapat ang pinto pero nakadama ako ng panlalamig sa paa. Nakalimutan ko pala ang tsinelas kong mumurahin! Siyeeet! Lumingon ako, nakatingin pa din ang mga sinumpa kong agents! Naghanap ako ng pwede kong utusan.
"Jason, go on Aux 4! Get my slippers and bring it here! Now!" Pasigaw kong sabi. Pero take note, British accent pa ito!
Sumunod naman agad si agent. Takot pa din ang mokong kahit pinagtawanan ako. Pagkaabot ng tsinelas, inutusan ko pang punasan yung basa sa sahig kung saan gumuho ang FRESHNESS ko! Sabay sara ng pinto. Dahan-dahan naman.
11:58 pm
Maghihiganti ako!!! Sa mga hinayupak na agents, pati na din sa mga mababahong Bumbay! Wala akong pakialam kahit magalit pa sila sa'kin! Lintik lang ang walang ganti! Naks! Sisiguraduhin kong matitikman nila ang pait ng paghihiganti ko! Ang tanong nga lang... Paano? Tsaka dapat hindi nila mahahalata
*TING*
Mags-scan ako ng calls ng mga agents at hahanapan ko talaga sila ng butas! Sisiguraduhin kong LUPA ang grades nila! 'Yung tipong magmamakaawa sila sa'kin para mag-additional scan! Bwahahahaha! At sa mga mababahong Bumbay na 'yan, um.. Pagiisipan ko pa kung pano ako maghihiganti!
4:56 am
Wala nang break-break! Kailangan ma-scan ko sila lahat! Tapos na ako sa 18! 2 nalang at tapos na ako sa paghihiganti ko! Nyahahahaha! Pero ginaw na ginaw na ako. Bakit kasi hindi ko pa dinala yung jacket ko kanina bago pumasok sa office?! Ayan tuloy. Pero OK lang. Basta makapag higanti!
5:20 am
Binuksan ko ang pinto. Sumilip. Naghanap ng agents... Kilala ko na kung sino ang uunahin ko! Yung pinaka malakas tumawa kanina!
"Kakai, after that call go on Aux 4! We have coaching session! Clear?!"
6:00 am
Bwahahahahaha!!! Ang saya! Ang sarap maghiganti! Halos lahat ng agents na na-coach ko, nagmakaawa sa'kin para mag-additional scan sa kanila!!! Biglang may kumatok sa pinto. So tumayo ako para buksan. Ang CEO ng buong account! Himala! Bakit ako pinuntahan? Nahalata ba n'ya na lahat ng lumalabas na agent galing sa office ko e malungkot?
Walang dating!
"I noticed you have not taken your break yet. 'Wanna join me?"
Biglang pumasok sa isip ko ang napipintong paghihiganti sa mga Bumbay! This is my chance! This is it!
"Sure Sir! I'll just grab my wallet!" Ang laki ng smile ko! Sisiraan ko ang mga Bumbay sa mga sine-send nilang reports! Ipapangalandakan ko ang inaccuracy sa reports nila! This is really it!
Sinuot ko ang tsinelas since kakain lang naman kami sa tapat.
Habang naglalakad kami ni Boss sa floor, nakatingin lahat ng agents. Pti na din ang mga Bumbay. Derecho lang ang tingin ko. Kunwari wala ako ibang nakikita kundi ang malapad na likod ng Boss ko. Before makalabas ng production floor, hinawakan ng isang TL ang sleeves ko sabay sabi, "Tofi, remember, Karma is digital!"
Sinagot ko nang "Really? Since when? 'Yang mga hayup na Bumbay na yan ang dapat matakot sa Karma for polluting the air we breathe!". Sabay pa kami nagtawanan ni TL!
6:12 am
Pag labas namin ng building, umaambon. Natanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko.. Umiiyak ba ang langit dahil napahiya ako kanina? It's nice to know na nakikidalamhati ang langit sa'kin. Hehehe.
Maluwang ang kalsada dahil wala pa naman masyadong mga sasakyan na dumadaan. Maninigarilyo dapat ako pero naisip ko ang ticket na naka-ipit sa wallet ko. Mamaya nalang ako maninigarilyo 'pag tapos kumain. For now, kailangan tumawid at alalayan ang dambuhalang CEO.
Nasa gitna kami ng kalsada nang aksidenteng matapakan ng CEO ang tsinelas ko!
*SLOW MOTION MODE*
Dahan-dahan ko ulit naramdaman ang pagbagsak ko. Lumingon ako sa gilid para tignan c Boss, dilat na dilat ang mata, nakabuka ang bibig at nakatayo lang! Na-shock yata. Tumingin ako sa harap. Maraming nakatingin! Naku po!!! Ito na ang Karma!!!
*BLAAG*
Para akong aso na nakadapa sa gitna ng kalsada! Asaaaar! Bakit?!! Bakit kailangan maulit at sa harap pa ng mas madaming nakakakita?!!!! Asaaaar!!!!
Dali-dali ako tumayo! At infairness, c Boss naman ang umalalay sakin hanggang makatawid na nga kami. Ayoko na! Sobrang pagka pahiya na ito para sa isang araw!!! Lumindol ka na kasi!!! Para ma-divert ang attention ng tao!!!
Nararamdaman ko pa din ang init ng tingin ng mga tao sa likod ko habang papasok kami ni Boss sa kainan. Haay. Isa ang araw na 'to sa mga gusto ko ng matapos para makalimutan na agad! Makalimutan ang nangyari. Makalimutan ng mga tao ang nangyari. Higit sa lahat, makalimutan na ang pagka pahiya ko!
7:00 am
Isang oras nalang uwian ko na! Makakapag tago na ako sa pad ko! Ang plano, aabsent ako mamaya sa shift ko! Sa ngayon, surf lang muna ng internet! Go!
8:00 am
Sasabay ba ako sa mga agents umuwi o magpapa-late ako ng konti para ako nalang mag-isa? Mas maganda yatang plano yung magpa-late ng konti!
8:15 am
Ako nalang ang tao sa floor. It's time to go home! Yehey!!! Sa wakas! Matatapos na ang araw na 'to! Pero bago umuwi, naka-isip nanaman ako ng ka-demonyohan! Para simulan ang paghihiganti ko sa mga Bumbay, tanggalin ko nga ang mga wire sa likod ng mga computer nila! Hindi pa natatapos jan ang ganti ko! May kasunod pa yan! Hintay lang. For now, magpapakalunod muna ako sa paghihiganti ko sa mga agents. Bwahahaha!
------
share ko lang kahit walang kwenta..Ü
Kabababa ko lang ng bus sa Ayala. Maaga pa ako para sa shift kong 11:00 pm. Pwede pa magsindi ng isang stick ng sigarilyo. *hithit-hinga ng malalim-buga* Haay! Haggard-free!Ang dami ko pa naman dalang gamit kasi galing ako sa bahay last weekend. Iniisip ko, makakapag palit pa ako ng damit sa pad, makaka-kain pa ng dinner, at makakapag toothbrush pa. Palagi ko na nga lang aagahan pumasok sa office every Monday. Para pag dating ko sa office.. FRESH!
Pagkaubos ng yosi, pitik sa gilid.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
Lumingon ako. May pulis. Naglalakad palapit sa akin. Pero I bet hindi ako ang lalapitan nya.
"Boss" sabay kaway. Lumingon ako sa likod ko. Wala naman tao. Sira ulo yata 'to na nagpapanggap lang na pulis.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
"Boss, ikaw". Ako? Bakit? Ah siguro magtatanong lang kung anong oras na. Pero may suot naman siyang relo. Baka walang battery? O kaya sira? Anyway, lumapit ako kay mamang pulis.
"Boss, alam mo bang bawal magtapon ng sigarilyo dito sa Ayala?" sabi n'ya.
Nanlamig ako. Naramdaman ko yung lamig na gumapang sa buo kong katawan. Nagpawis din ang noo at kamay ko kahit malamig ang panahon. Bad trip! Bakit ngayon pa?! Asar! Pero teka lang, 10:30 na ng gabi ah. Dapat wala ng pulis! Tinanong ko si mamang pulis na ang apelyido ay Gonzales base sa uniform n'ya, "Ha? bawal? Naku pasensya na po sa abala. Hindi na po mauulit."
"Bossing pasensya na din pero nahuli kitang nagtapon ng sigarilyo" sagot naman ni Gonzales.
Para hindi na tumagal ang usapan, sige hulihin mo ako. Ok lang. 'Wag lang akong ma-late sa office at andun ang mga clients. Naisip ko din, masyado nang late pero nanghuhuli pa din si mamang pulis. Malamang, hindi ito umabot sa quota. Kung kinakailangan habaan ang pasensya, sige lang.
"Bossing ticket mo" sabay abot ng ticket sa akin.
Binasa ko.... Kumba kumba kumba.. 2,000!!!! Ano?! Dalawang libong piso para lamang sa pagtatapon ng sigarilyo sa kanto ng punyetang Ayala?!! 'Pag minamalas ka nga naman! Asar!!!
Tinanggap ko ang ticket at dali-dali na akong umalis. Ayokong ma-late. Dapat FRESH ako pag dating ko sa office.
10:43 pm
"Boss paki pin lang po ng ID" sabi ng manong guard sa baba ng building.
Halukayin ang bag! TEKA!! Nasaan ang ID ko?!! Bakit parang wala sa bag ko?!! Punyemas! 'Pag minamalas ka naman talaga oh!
"Eh manong, naiwan ko po yata. Hindi niyo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako dumadaan dito ah."
"Kakasimula ko lang po kahapon. Pasensya na po pero bawal po pumasok pag walang ID. Kung may extra po kayong ID, paiwan na lamang po sa reception" sagot sakin ng guard.
Grrrrr!!!! Malas malas malas! Ayaw ko na ng araw na ito! Grrrr!!! Yung FRESHNESS na iniisip ko kanina, unti-unti nang naglalaho!
11:02 pm
Basa ang buhok at likod ko ng pawis, at parang lahat na yata ng mga tiklop sa katawan ko e basa na din ng pawis!
Ang napaka gandang salubong sa akin ng manong guard sa 18th floor, "Bossing parang naglakad kayo sa putikan a." Sabay tawa.
Tinignan ko ang paa ko..
*JARAAAAN*
Umikot ang mundo nang makita ko na ang nanlilimahid kong paa! Naka tsinelas lang ako kaya ayun, may guhit ng putik sa ibabaw ng paa ko! At ang mga gilid ng kuko ko, siniksikan na ng putik! Kung makikita lang ng nanay ko ang paa ko ngayon, katakot-takot na sermon na ang inabot ko panigurado!
Para naman kay manong guard, "Manong, ganyan ang uso ngayon! ang tawag jan... SQUATERISH look!"
Dahil hindi ko na nahabol ang FRESH look, at late na din naman ako, pwes, magpapa-late na ako ng tuluyan! Dadaan na muna ako sa pad para maligo, maglinis ng kuko, at kumain!
11:32 pm
Ultra FRESH ang feeling ko habang naglalakad ako papuntang office. Naka tsinelas pa din, kasi iniwan ko pala sa opisina ang sapatos ko nung Biyernes bago ako umuwi. Pero naka business attire na ako. Pag akyat ko sa ulit sa 18th floor, dumaan muna ako sa pantry para kumuha ng tubig na maiinom at madadala sa loob ng production floor. Habang naglalakad, sinasabi ko sa isip na.. FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO!
Binuksan ko ang tumbler para uminom nang biglang may sumabit sa paa ko...
Tila nag slow-motion ang dahan-dahan kong pagbagsak! Nakita ko ang mga Bumbay na nakatingin sa akin at nakabukas pa ang mga bunganga ng mga hayop! Nakita ko ding umangat ang laman na tubig ng hawak kong tumbler kasabay ng paglipad ng isang tsinelas ko! Hanggang maramdaman ko ang matigas na sahig, una sa aking tuhod hanggang sa dibdib. Gustuhin ko mang pigilan ang nakakahiyang pag bagsak, hindi ko nagawa dahil hawak ko sa kaliwang kamay ang tumbler ng tubig na wala nang laman dahil lumilipad pa ang tubig, sa kanang kamay naman, ang basag ko nang telepono.
Nang maramdaman ko na ang sakit na dulot ng pagbagsak na, nanatili lang akong nakahiga sa sahig. Akala ko tapos na ang kahihiyan. Hindi pa pala! Yung tubig na kasalukuyang lumilipad, unti-unti nang bumababa! Gustuhin ko mang umilag, ang punyemas na katawan ko ayaw maki-cooperate! Ayaw n'yang gumalaw!!! Hanggang sa ayan na! Malapit na! Hahalikan na ng tubig ang ang mukha ko! Isa, dalawa, tat..
*SSPLAAAAAAAAAASHHHH*
Hindi ko man lang natapos ang pagbibilang ko. Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi dahil sa masakit ang katawan ko, kundi dahil sa kahihiyan! Sobrang nakakahiya!!! Eeeeeeee!!!
*PLONGK*
At ang magaling na tsinelas, sumunod pa! Sobra na 'to! Lord sana lumindol para ma-distract ang mga tao! Ayoko na! Bwiseeeeet na FRESHNESSSS yan!
Naghintay akong may lumapit sa akin. Aba! Ang mga hayuuup nagtatawanan lang sa post nila! Hindi ba nila alam kung ano feeling nang napapahiya?! Tumingin ako sa mga Bumbay, hoping na tutulungan nila at sasawayin ang mga agents. Pero hindi! Naki-tawa pa ang mga akala mong mababangong Bumbay! Leche! Pwes, pandilatan ko nga! 'Yung tipong nakamamatay na dilat!
Walang dating sa mga agents at Bumbay! Lalo pa nilang nilakasan ang tawa!
Nag-isip ako kung ano ang pinaka the best na paraan para matakasan ang kahihiyang ito. Tumawa din kaya ako? Para isipin nila na nagpapatawa lang ako. Pero mahirap tumawa kung naiiyak ka na sa sobrang kamalasan! Kung itutuloy ko naman ang pinipigilan ko ng luha, panigurado lalo lang silang tatawa. Deadma kaya? Hindi din! Masakit and pagbagsak ko para deadmahin! Aaaaahhhhh LECHE!!!
Bumangon nalang ako. Pinilit tumayo ng derecho kahit masakit ang tuhod at pwet ko. Go! Punasan ang tumutulong buhok ng dahan-dahan.. Sabay sabi ng,
"That's what you call GRAND ENTRANCE!"
Pinili ko nalang magpatawa kahit hiyang-hiya na ako. At least iisipin nila na OK lang sa akin 'yun. Iika-ika akong lumakad papunta sa offfice ko. Isang kamay nasa bewang, sa kabilang kamay naman, 'yung pesteng tumbler. At habang naglalakad, pinagda-dasal ko pa din na lumindol!
Pero deadma pa din si Papa Jesus. Haay. Goodbye FRESHNESS!!
'Pag pasok ko sa office, isasara ko na dapat ang pinto pero nakadama ako ng panlalamig sa paa. Nakalimutan ko pala ang tsinelas kong mumurahin! Siyeeet! Lumingon ako, nakatingin pa din ang mga sinumpa kong agents! Naghanap ako ng pwede kong utusan.
"Jason, go on Aux 4! Get my slippers and bring it here! Now!" Pasigaw kong sabi. Pero take note, British accent pa ito!
Sumunod naman agad si agent. Takot pa din ang mokong kahit pinagtawanan ako. Pagkaabot ng tsinelas, inutusan ko pang punasan yung basa sa sahig kung saan gumuho ang FRESHNESS ko! Sabay sara ng pinto. Dahan-dahan naman.
11:58 pm
Maghihiganti ako!!! Sa mga hinayupak na agents, pati na din sa mga mababahong Bumbay! Wala akong pakialam kahit magalit pa sila sa'kin! Lintik lang ang walang ganti! Naks! Sisiguraduhin kong matitikman nila ang pait ng paghihiganti ko! Ang tanong nga lang... Paano? Tsaka dapat hindi nila mahahalata
*TING*
Mags-scan ako ng calls ng mga agents at hahanapan ko talaga sila ng butas! Sisiguraduhin kong LUPA ang grades nila! 'Yung tipong magmamakaawa sila sa'kin para mag-additional scan! Bwahahahaha! At sa mga mababahong Bumbay na 'yan, um.. Pagiisipan ko pa kung pano ako maghihiganti!
4:56 am
Wala nang break-break! Kailangan ma-scan ko sila lahat! Tapos na ako sa 18! 2 nalang at tapos na ako sa paghihiganti ko! Nyahahahaha! Pero ginaw na ginaw na ako. Bakit kasi hindi ko pa dinala yung jacket ko kanina bago pumasok sa office?! Ayan tuloy. Pero OK lang. Basta makapag higanti!
5:20 am
Binuksan ko ang pinto. Sumilip. Naghanap ng agents... Kilala ko na kung sino ang uunahin ko! Yung pinaka malakas tumawa kanina!
"Kakai, after that call go on Aux 4! We have coaching session! Clear?!"
6:00 am
Bwahahahahaha!!! Ang saya! Ang sarap maghiganti! Halos lahat ng agents na na-coach ko, nagmakaawa sa'kin para mag-additional scan sa kanila!!! Biglang may kumatok sa pinto. So tumayo ako para buksan. Ang CEO ng buong account! Himala! Bakit ako pinuntahan? Nahalata ba n'ya na lahat ng lumalabas na agent galing sa office ko e malungkot?
Walang dating!
"I noticed you have not taken your break yet. 'Wanna join me?"
Biglang pumasok sa isip ko ang napipintong paghihiganti sa mga Bumbay! This is my chance! This is it!
"Sure Sir! I'll just grab my wallet!" Ang laki ng smile ko! Sisiraan ko ang mga Bumbay sa mga sine-send nilang reports! Ipapangalandakan ko ang inaccuracy sa reports nila! This is really it!
Sinuot ko ang tsinelas since kakain lang naman kami sa tapat.
Habang naglalakad kami ni Boss sa floor, nakatingin lahat ng agents. Pti na din ang mga Bumbay. Derecho lang ang tingin ko. Kunwari wala ako ibang nakikita kundi ang malapad na likod ng Boss ko. Before makalabas ng production floor, hinawakan ng isang TL ang sleeves ko sabay sabi, "Tofi, remember, Karma is digital!"
Sinagot ko nang "Really? Since when? 'Yang mga hayup na Bumbay na yan ang dapat matakot sa Karma for polluting the air we breathe!". Sabay pa kami nagtawanan ni TL!
6:12 am
Pag labas namin ng building, umaambon. Natanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko.. Umiiyak ba ang langit dahil napahiya ako kanina? It's nice to know na nakikidalamhati ang langit sa'kin. Hehehe.
Maluwang ang kalsada dahil wala pa naman masyadong mga sasakyan na dumadaan. Maninigarilyo dapat ako pero naisip ko ang ticket na naka-ipit sa wallet ko. Mamaya nalang ako maninigarilyo 'pag tapos kumain. For now, kailangan tumawid at alalayan ang dambuhalang CEO.
Nasa gitna kami ng kalsada nang aksidenteng matapakan ng CEO ang tsinelas ko!
*SLOW MOTION MODE*
Dahan-dahan ko ulit naramdaman ang pagbagsak ko. Lumingon ako sa gilid para tignan c Boss, dilat na dilat ang mata, nakabuka ang bibig at nakatayo lang! Na-shock yata. Tumingin ako sa harap. Maraming nakatingin! Naku po!!! Ito na ang Karma!!!
*BLAAG*
Para akong aso na nakadapa sa gitna ng kalsada! Asaaaar! Bakit?!! Bakit kailangan maulit at sa harap pa ng mas madaming nakakakita?!!!! Asaaaar!!!!
Dali-dali ako tumayo! At infairness, c Boss naman ang umalalay sakin hanggang makatawid na nga kami. Ayoko na! Sobrang pagka pahiya na ito para sa isang araw!!! Lumindol ka na kasi!!! Para ma-divert ang attention ng tao!!!
Nararamdaman ko pa din ang init ng tingin ng mga tao sa likod ko habang papasok kami ni Boss sa kainan. Haay. Isa ang araw na 'to sa mga gusto ko ng matapos para makalimutan na agad! Makalimutan ang nangyari. Makalimutan ng mga tao ang nangyari. Higit sa lahat, makalimutan na ang pagka pahiya ko!
7:00 am
Isang oras nalang uwian ko na! Makakapag tago na ako sa pad ko! Ang plano, aabsent ako mamaya sa shift ko! Sa ngayon, surf lang muna ng internet! Go!
8:00 am
Sasabay ba ako sa mga agents umuwi o magpapa-late ako ng konti para ako nalang mag-isa? Mas maganda yatang plano yung magpa-late ng konti!
8:15 am
Ako nalang ang tao sa floor. It's time to go home! Yehey!!! Sa wakas! Matatapos na ang araw na 'to! Pero bago umuwi, naka-isip nanaman ako ng ka-demonyohan! Para simulan ang paghihiganti ko sa mga Bumbay, tanggalin ko nga ang mga wire sa likod ng mga computer nila! Hindi pa natatapos jan ang ganti ko! May kasunod pa yan! Hintay lang. For now, magpapakalunod muna ako sa paghihiganti ko sa mga agents. Bwahahaha!
------
share ko lang kahit walang kwenta..Ü
November 10, 2008
Break Of Dawn
As night turns into day, I feel a sense of triumph as I survive another day of a never endless battle from my unlikely demons. Demons that I thought I could not conquer. Demons that I thought would make me numb until life was sucked out of me. Demons that would take me farther down an abyssal nothingness.
I now know how to fight my battles. Even if it's just one day at a time. At least I'm surviving. And at this point, that's what counts the most. Me surviving.
I thought I was ready to give it all away. I thought I was ready to end it all. But I was wrong.
Last Saturday afternoon, I received a call from somebody very unexpected. My brother whom I haven't talk to for a while now called me up to check how I'm doing. It was so unexpected because we were never really close. I was not expecting him to call me up to simply ask my whereabouts and my little shenanigans. It gave me warmth and a sense of belongingness to know that he remembers me. And it felt good. Again, my overactive dramatization of life kicked-in.
The simple Hi's and Hello's turned into the type of conversation where super logical thinking needs to be in place. Well, that's my brother alright. I don't know how it happened, or who directed the whole conversation into that topic, but I suddenly found myself talking about what I think went wrong in our "perfect little family". I talked about me graduating grade school and the things he said before I marched down the isle. Words that somehow, made me the "icy" Tofi. Words that up to now, every time I remember, gives off a bitter feeling making me want to vomit.
My Mom and my other Kuya had no idea what happened. And since we are not the "open" type when it comes to sharing our thoughts, they didn't ask any questions at all. Which, in my opinion, added to the ever growing space between my eldest Kuya and I. Until, the conversation, that is. So my Kuya and I talked and talked for at least a couple of hours or so, when he finally said, "I've said my piece. Hope it wasn't to late to make amends. Hope it's not too late to baby my kid brother around kahit malaki ka na."
I couldn't talk. What is there to say anyway? I was so moved that I can't even think of a coherent thought. I felt like, if I open my mouth, I'll only squeak. Not because I don't care to what he said, but because I'm about to cry. What baffled me was the last words he said before he hung up the phone. He said, "whatever you're undergoing through right now, andito lang ako. Kuya mo pa rin ako. And I'll always protect you kasi ikaw and baby brother ko." Then he hung-up.
Tears started to fall without me knowing it. Until a teardrop fell on my hand. The wall that I've created around me now has a crack. A very comforting crack at that! I looked outside my window and there was the glorious sunshine. Bathing me with its warmth and passion for life.
That's when I realized, Jeff, Chase, Sam, Dok, Mugen, Claire, Jason, Alexa and India were right all along. It will take someone to cast the spell away. Someone who can make me whole again. In my case, my eldest brother..
I didn't talk to my brother about what pains me or what haunts me everyday. But somehow, knowing that I've rekindled the bond we used to have gave me hope that indeed, there is life beyond what I believed to be a dead end.
Now, I'm facing another battle. A battle I must learn to fight everyday. A whole new kind of battle to enjoy life as much as I can. A battle wherein failure will only be a breeze away for I know I'll have my family to fall back on. A battle, I know, I can win someday...
I now know how to fight my battles. Even if it's just one day at a time. At least I'm surviving. And at this point, that's what counts the most. Me surviving.
I thought I was ready to give it all away. I thought I was ready to end it all. But I was wrong.
Last Saturday afternoon, I received a call from somebody very unexpected. My brother whom I haven't talk to for a while now called me up to check how I'm doing. It was so unexpected because we were never really close. I was not expecting him to call me up to simply ask my whereabouts and my little shenanigans. It gave me warmth and a sense of belongingness to know that he remembers me. And it felt good. Again, my overactive dramatization of life kicked-in.
The simple Hi's and Hello's turned into the type of conversation where super logical thinking needs to be in place. Well, that's my brother alright. I don't know how it happened, or who directed the whole conversation into that topic, but I suddenly found myself talking about what I think went wrong in our "perfect little family". I talked about me graduating grade school and the things he said before I marched down the isle. Words that somehow, made me the "icy" Tofi. Words that up to now, every time I remember, gives off a bitter feeling making me want to vomit.
My Mom and my other Kuya had no idea what happened. And since we are not the "open" type when it comes to sharing our thoughts, they didn't ask any questions at all. Which, in my opinion, added to the ever growing space between my eldest Kuya and I. Until, the conversation, that is. So my Kuya and I talked and talked for at least a couple of hours or so, when he finally said, "I've said my piece. Hope it wasn't to late to make amends. Hope it's not too late to baby my kid brother around kahit malaki ka na."
I couldn't talk. What is there to say anyway? I was so moved that I can't even think of a coherent thought. I felt like, if I open my mouth, I'll only squeak. Not because I don't care to what he said, but because I'm about to cry. What baffled me was the last words he said before he hung up the phone. He said, "whatever you're undergoing through right now, andito lang ako. Kuya mo pa rin ako. And I'll always protect you kasi ikaw and baby brother ko." Then he hung-up.
Tears started to fall without me knowing it. Until a teardrop fell on my hand. The wall that I've created around me now has a crack. A very comforting crack at that! I looked outside my window and there was the glorious sunshine. Bathing me with its warmth and passion for life.
That's when I realized, Jeff, Chase, Sam, Dok, Mugen, Claire, Jason, Alexa and India were right all along. It will take someone to cast the spell away. Someone who can make me whole again. In my case, my eldest brother..
I didn't talk to my brother about what pains me or what haunts me everyday. But somehow, knowing that I've rekindled the bond we used to have gave me hope that indeed, there is life beyond what I believed to be a dead end.
Now, I'm facing another battle. A battle I must learn to fight everyday. A whole new kind of battle to enjoy life as much as I can. A battle wherein failure will only be a breeze away for I know I'll have my family to fall back on. A battle, I know, I can win someday...
November 05, 2008
Beginning of the End (2)
Thank you my online friend.
I thank you for letting me see a little bit of sunshine after a stormy day. Thank you for listening to my dramatics and my little nothings. I might seem like a shallow person, and maybe I am, but I still thank you for listening. If I wasn't able to return this Ipod to it's rightful owner, I'm going to give it to you. Hehe.
I gave myself time.. Well, until this coming Sunday. If things didn't brighten up and I'm still in this hell-hole, it's time to say goodbye. I've thought about it. And I guess this is the best solution amongst all the options that I've pondered. And in a way, every time I think about what's going to happen, certain serenity washes over me. I guess because I know my demons can no longer hunt me by then.
I hate seeing myself in the mirror every single day because I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. So as much as possible, I steer-clear away from mirrors. And the person behind the mirror looks.... Haunted.
As my final battle sees it's end, I cannot help but wonder if I've fought my battles well enough. If I've given it my all. One thing is for sure though, from this day until my deadline this Sunday, I'm going to try and fight this battle.
For now, I'll look forward to the coffee and doughnut you've promised me.Ü I just hope I'm still "around" when you get to it..
I thank you for letting me see a little bit of sunshine after a stormy day. Thank you for listening to my dramatics and my little nothings. I might seem like a shallow person, and maybe I am, but I still thank you for listening. If I wasn't able to return this Ipod to it's rightful owner, I'm going to give it to you. Hehe.
I gave myself time.. Well, until this coming Sunday. If things didn't brighten up and I'm still in this hell-hole, it's time to say goodbye. I've thought about it. And I guess this is the best solution amongst all the options that I've pondered. And in a way, every time I think about what's going to happen, certain serenity washes over me. I guess because I know my demons can no longer hunt me by then.
I hate seeing myself in the mirror every single day because I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. So as much as possible, I steer-clear away from mirrors. And the person behind the mirror looks.... Haunted.
As my final battle sees it's end, I cannot help but wonder if I've fought my battles well enough. If I've given it my all. One thing is for sure though, from this day until my deadline this Sunday, I'm going to try and fight this battle.
For now, I'll look forward to the coffee and doughnut you've promised me.Ü I just hope I'm still "around" when you get to it..
Labels:
Saying goodbye
November 03, 2008
Beginning of the End
I am drowning..
I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?
So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.
To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?
I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.
Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.
A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.
For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.
I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.
Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.
Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..
I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?
So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.
To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?
I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.
Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.
A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.
For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.
I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.
Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.
Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..
Labels:
Saying goodbye,
Wish
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