My Wish..

The dreaded return of emptiness is happening again. Much to my dismay, the wall of protection I've built around me now stands shaking. Funny how the Christmas season brought it all back. I thought the wall was strong enough to stop the onslaught of memories. Guess I was wrong.

24th of December was "OK" for the most part. But when the clock hit 11:59 pm, sweat broke across my forehead like tiny diamonds. I was sitting at my post pretending to ignore the clock hanging right in front of me. The sound of it's tick-tack seeping right into my consciousness. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run like a lunatic. But I don't want to cause a scene. So I stayed put and started breathing deeply.

One, Two, Three..

Inhale.. Exhale..

It did not work. I turned the computer off, grabbed my cigarette then left the office.

It was icy-cold outside yet I'm sweating like a hog. I started to run towards my dreamland. My sanctuary. My heaven. When I arrived at my favorite spot, breathing heavily because of running, I felt a tear drop. I brushed it away. I shouldn't be crying. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm invincible. But the tears kept on falling.

After the "drama" subsided, I took my phone out and browsed through my phonebook. Looking for someone to "save" me. Or at least someone to talk to.. PEX: Mugen, Aeneas, Larry, Asakura, Lost, Hiro, Binx, Yugi.. Then I thought, they're probably celebrating the "season". College friends perhaps? Nah. I guess they don't want to be bothered. I lit a cigarette to soothe my nerves out. No help from my ever dependable nicotine friend. After a couple of sticks, I sat down and played some songs. Thought of "happy moments" from the good old days. That should do the trick. And for awhile there it did help.

Now I have to think of a way to build another Citadel. Something stronger for a foundation. Something that I can hold on to. I guess for now, truth and fidelity should be at the base. Respect and honesty will be my pillars. I still have no idea on what to put them together. Well I guess the rest will follow. I hope it's soon. I hope it'll last a lifetime. I hope.. I hope.. I hope...