The Not So Good News

The depression is creeping back in...

I just came back from the hospital and somehow, the news that my doctor said was quite disappointing. I was hoping for a positive news when I went to see him earlier this morning. As it turned out, it was not what I was wanting to hear.

I was feeling a bit nauseated these past few weeks. Probably because I haven't been taking my medicines lately. And that's the reason why I went to the hospital earlier.

After waiting for at least 30 minutes at the lobby, my name was finally called. And so I went inside the doctors office. When I saw his face, I kind of knew what was about to come. I guess because I already know my doctor well enough for me to tell if he's about to say something good or bad. But still, I waited. I did not let his expression deter my hope. Until he said...

"I'll be honest with you. Although you might look healthy, things are not going as planned. Yes you're gaining weight, but it doesn't necessarily follow that your cancer cells are decreasing in numbers. Now, we have to look at the option of having an External Beam Radiation."

That's when my hope crumbled. That's when I started to tremble. I knew my lapses when it came to taking my medicines regularly. It was my fault. And now, I felt like I'm starting all over again.

I know what I have to do. But I guess, if you're facing a battle that seems pointless, one ends up not caring at all...

I am tired. I've been fighting this battle for more than 5 months now. And I am nowhere near the finish line. I just hope I have the strength to see this battle to the end. With my spirit, soul and hope intact.