I've been thinking of a resolution since it's a new year, but I can't think of any! I wrote down down some stuffs but I don't think I can do 'em..
1. Quit smoking - This has been on my New Year's resolution for like 5 years now! But I can't stop! My system is constantly craving for nicotine! Hehe. So much for will-power!Ü
2. Stop drinking alcoholic beverages - Yeah right! As if I can do this one! Goodluck to me!
3. Stop spending too much - No comment!
4. Be productive at work - I'm trying... I just hope this dedication stays for the whole year!
5. Go home and visit my family - This one, I truly will. By hook or by crook, I will visit my family!
---
Happy New Year sa'kin!Ü
I got myself a present....
Isang napakalaking stuffed dog!
December 24, 2008
December 17, 2008
'Tis the Season..
Nang dumating ako sa office kagabi, nakita ko na karamihan sa agents e nagkukumpulan sa harap ng kwarto ko. Parang may sinisilip.
Parang may shooting lang ah!
"Anong meron?" tanong ko.
"Sir, may napakalaking gift sa table mo!"
"Ha?"
"Naks! May secret admirer si sir!"
"Asus! Tigilan na 'yan. Mag log-in na at mag take na kayo ng calls"
"Sir, buksan mo muna yung gift mo para makita namin!"
"Baka galing sa kuya ko, padala sa'kin for Christmas."
"Ahh...."
'Pag pasok ko sa room, dali-dali kong sinara ang pinto at ni-lock. Ang hindi alam ng agents ko, galing sa akin mismo yung regalo.
Oo. Pinadalahan ko ang sarili ko ng regalo. Siyempre, alam na alam ko ang laman. Isang pares ng itim na medyas na inilagay sa napakalaking karton. Regalo ko sa sarili ko ngayong Pasko. Ayoko mang aminin, pero naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Almost 5 years ko nang sine-celebrate ang Pasko ng mag-isa dito sa Pilipinas. And since last week, puro exchange gift nalang ang ginagawa ng mga agents sa production floor. Ang mas nakakainggit, hindi ako kasali. Para sa mga agents lang daw kasi 'un.
Fine! Kung ayaw nila akong isali e di huwag! Pero deep inside, nakakalungkot. May nere-receive man akong mga gift every Christmas, either panyo or picture frame palagi. Hindi naman sa nagco-complain ako, ang sa akin lang, alam mong hindi pinag isipan yung regalo.
OK lang naman sa akin yung panyo, kasi lagi naman ako nawawalan ng panyo. Pero mas OK sana kung, yung gift sa akin e from the heart. Ang hirap i-explain. Basta.
I'm not asking for an expensive gift or anything. I just want something that truly matters. Like what I said, yung tipong from the heart. I'm not sure what it is, pero something that will mean "deep". Yung tipong ganun. Haay.
--
Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way..
Oh what fun, it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh...
Sana next year mas masaya na..
Haay..
Parang may shooting lang ah!
"Anong meron?" tanong ko.
"Sir, may napakalaking gift sa table mo!"
"Ha?"
"Naks! May secret admirer si sir!"
"Asus! Tigilan na 'yan. Mag log-in na at mag take na kayo ng calls"
"Sir, buksan mo muna yung gift mo para makita namin!"
"Baka galing sa kuya ko, padala sa'kin for Christmas."
"Ahh...."
'Pag pasok ko sa room, dali-dali kong sinara ang pinto at ni-lock. Ang hindi alam ng agents ko, galing sa akin mismo yung regalo.
Oo. Pinadalahan ko ang sarili ko ng regalo. Siyempre, alam na alam ko ang laman. Isang pares ng itim na medyas na inilagay sa napakalaking karton. Regalo ko sa sarili ko ngayong Pasko. Ayoko mang aminin, pero naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Almost 5 years ko nang sine-celebrate ang Pasko ng mag-isa dito sa Pilipinas. And since last week, puro exchange gift nalang ang ginagawa ng mga agents sa production floor. Ang mas nakakainggit, hindi ako kasali. Para sa mga agents lang daw kasi 'un.
Fine! Kung ayaw nila akong isali e di huwag! Pero deep inside, nakakalungkot. May nere-receive man akong mga gift every Christmas, either panyo or picture frame palagi. Hindi naman sa nagco-complain ako, ang sa akin lang, alam mong hindi pinag isipan yung regalo.
OK lang naman sa akin yung panyo, kasi lagi naman ako nawawalan ng panyo. Pero mas OK sana kung, yung gift sa akin e from the heart. Ang hirap i-explain. Basta.
I'm not asking for an expensive gift or anything. I just want something that truly matters. Like what I said, yung tipong from the heart. I'm not sure what it is, pero something that will mean "deep". Yung tipong ganun. Haay.
--
Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way..
Oh what fun, it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh...
Sana next year mas masaya na..
Haay..
December 12, 2008
My Wish..
The dreaded return of emptiness is happening again. Much to my dismay, the wall of protection I've built around me now stands shaking. Funny how the Christmas season brought it all back. I thought the wall was strong enough to stop the onslaught of memories. Guess I was wrong.
24th of December was "OK" for the most part. But when the clock hit 11:59 pm, sweat broke across my forehead like tiny diamonds. I was sitting at my post pretending to ignore the clock hanging right in front of me. The sound of it's tick-tack seeping right into my consciousness. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run like a lunatic. But I don't want to cause a scene. So I stayed put and started breathing deeply.
One, Two, Three..
Inhale.. Exhale..
It did not work. I turned the computer off, grabbed my cigarette then left the office.
It was icy-cold outside yet I'm sweating like a hog. I started to run towards my dreamland. My sanctuary. My heaven. When I arrived at my favorite spot, breathing heavily because of running, I felt a tear drop. I brushed it away. I shouldn't be crying. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm invincible. But the tears kept on falling.
After the "drama" subsided, I took my phone out and browsed through my phonebook. Looking for someone to "save" me. Or at least someone to talk to.. PEX: Mugen, Aeneas, Larry, Asakura, Lost, Hiro, Binx, Yugi.. Then I thought, they're probably celebrating the "season". College friends perhaps? Nah. I guess they don't want to be bothered. I lit a cigarette to soothe my nerves out. No help from my ever dependable nicotine friend. After a couple of sticks, I sat down and played some songs. Thought of "happy moments" from the good old days. That should do the trick. And for awhile there it did help.
Now I have to think of a way to build another Citadel. Something stronger for a foundation. Something that I can hold on to. I guess for now, truth and fidelity should be at the base. Respect and honesty will be my pillars. I still have no idea on what to put them together. Well I guess the rest will follow. I hope it's soon. I hope it'll last a lifetime. I hope.. I hope.. I hope...
24th of December was "OK" for the most part. But when the clock hit 11:59 pm, sweat broke across my forehead like tiny diamonds. I was sitting at my post pretending to ignore the clock hanging right in front of me. The sound of it's tick-tack seeping right into my consciousness. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run like a lunatic. But I don't want to cause a scene. So I stayed put and started breathing deeply.
One, Two, Three..
Inhale.. Exhale..
It did not work. I turned the computer off, grabbed my cigarette then left the office.
It was icy-cold outside yet I'm sweating like a hog. I started to run towards my dreamland. My sanctuary. My heaven. When I arrived at my favorite spot, breathing heavily because of running, I felt a tear drop. I brushed it away. I shouldn't be crying. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm invincible. But the tears kept on falling.
After the "drama" subsided, I took my phone out and browsed through my phonebook. Looking for someone to "save" me. Or at least someone to talk to.. PEX: Mugen, Aeneas, Larry, Asakura, Lost, Hiro, Binx, Yugi.. Then I thought, they're probably celebrating the "season". College friends perhaps? Nah. I guess they don't want to be bothered. I lit a cigarette to soothe my nerves out. No help from my ever dependable nicotine friend. After a couple of sticks, I sat down and played some songs. Thought of "happy moments" from the good old days. That should do the trick. And for awhile there it did help.
Now I have to think of a way to build another Citadel. Something stronger for a foundation. Something that I can hold on to. I guess for now, truth and fidelity should be at the base. Respect and honesty will be my pillars. I still have no idea on what to put them together. Well I guess the rest will follow. I hope it's soon. I hope it'll last a lifetime. I hope.. I hope.. I hope...
December 09, 2008
Turning Point (Part 1)
With the rain hitting hard against the window of his car, he drives along an unfamiliar highway when this ear-splitting sound distracted him from his reverie. He did not dare look where the sound was coming from. He was afraid that he might miss the right turn-off.
In instances like this, especially when you're driving under the mercy of downpour, it's best to focus on where you're going. But it's hard to concentrate if a buzzing irritant was affecting your brain.
2 seconds later, a flicker of light caught his attention. Minute at first, but the light seemed to be growing. The flicker was just down the road and it looked like it was coming towards him. Growing and growing until the light was blinding. It was so bright that keeping his eyes open was a challenge.
The sound and the light then became one.
He did not know if the light was a product of the sound, or if the sound was a reverberation of the light. All he knew was, both are a distraction from his solitude. The sound kept getting louder while the light was getting brighter.
Then, silence...
He wanted to open his eyes but cannot. He wanted to move a leg but unable to. He wanted to shout but an invisible force was pulling him into an abyssal darkness. He tried to fight it. He tried to stay focused. He tried, but failed..
A slight tapping on his shoulder woke him from unconsciousness.
"Sir? Can you hear me, sir?"
He answered "Yes I can" but it came out garbled.
Then, very slowly, everything turned dark...
In instances like this, especially when you're driving under the mercy of downpour, it's best to focus on where you're going. But it's hard to concentrate if a buzzing irritant was affecting your brain.
2 seconds later, a flicker of light caught his attention. Minute at first, but the light seemed to be growing. The flicker was just down the road and it looked like it was coming towards him. Growing and growing until the light was blinding. It was so bright that keeping his eyes open was a challenge.
The sound and the light then became one.
He did not know if the light was a product of the sound, or if the sound was a reverberation of the light. All he knew was, both are a distraction from his solitude. The sound kept getting louder while the light was getting brighter.
Then, silence...
He wanted to open his eyes but cannot. He wanted to move a leg but unable to. He wanted to shout but an invisible force was pulling him into an abyssal darkness. He tried to fight it. He tried to stay focused. He tried, but failed..
A slight tapping on his shoulder woke him from unconsciousness.
"Sir? Can you hear me, sir?"
He answered "Yes I can" but it came out garbled.
Then, very slowly, everything turned dark...
December 01, 2008
Until The Time Comes
I want to reach out to you. I want to hold you in my arms and promise you that everything will be alright. I want to listen to your interesting thoughts. I want to hold you near and wish your sadness away. I wish I can give you happiness that can last you a lifetime. I wish I can hear you breathe. I wish I can see the world like you do. I want to know who you really are. I want to know what pisses you off. I want to learn what makes you cry. I want to know what makes you smile. I want to know what will make you laugh. I want to know what you're feeling. I want to know more about you. I want to know you.
But I can't. And I don't even know how to start.
I'm not brave enough to go through with my original plan. I'm not brave enough to send you a text message. I'm not brave enough to click your name from my friends' list and send you an IM when I know your online. I'm not brave enough to dial your number and just listen to you say "hello". I'm not brave enough to ask you to meet me. I'm not brave enough to say it was you all along.
I'm not saying it's perfectly fine with me. All I'm saying is that this will have to do for now. I'm not going to act on it. Nor will I let you know I feel something towards you. Because I know this can never be. This will never be. And I know, in time, this too will pass.
But I can't. And I don't even know how to start.
I'm not brave enough to go through with my original plan. I'm not brave enough to send you a text message. I'm not brave enough to click your name from my friends' list and send you an IM when I know your online. I'm not brave enough to dial your number and just listen to you say "hello". I'm not brave enough to ask you to meet me. I'm not brave enough to say it was you all along.
I'm not saying it's perfectly fine with me. All I'm saying is that this will have to do for now. I'm not going to act on it. Nor will I let you know I feel something towards you. Because I know this can never be. This will never be. And I know, in time, this too will pass.
November 28, 2008
Fulfillment
Maturity, as they say, gives you the freedom to choose your actions. And with those, situations are but reactions according to your decisions.
Everybody reaches maturity in their own time. It just so happens that some gain it earlier, while the others are taking time to do so.
But what about those people who were forced into maturity? Those people whose lives change not because they want it, but because they no longer have other option? Those people who have no recourse left but to face the challenges head-on? People, just like you and me, who have our own battles to fight? People, whose lives will soon be connected to us in about a hundred different ways.
I was browsing the net when I came upon this blog entry about forced maturity. A boy whose faith and fate changed everyones opinion and perception of him. Jo-ga, a screen name perhaps, was forced to "raise" himself in a squatters area somewhere along the busy streets of Pasay.
At an early age of 12, he had 2 jobs. During the day, he can be found at the dump site collecting garbage-recyclables to support his studies. During the night, he uses his swimming capabilities to join the "swimmer's club" to get mussels to provide food at the table.
Jo-ga was the type who never complains. Instead, he was always thankfull because he has the strength to do his jobs and his schooling. Not only was he hard-working, he also has a heart of gold.
That could very well be the reason why he's called "Totoy Kristo" in their community.
He thinks of himself lucky because, eventhough he doesn't have a family and there was no explanation as to where they are, he was still surviving everyday. Living life the way he knows how.
A man approached Jo-ga one day and asked if they can interview him for a documentary since he was a little bit popular within the Pasay "swimmers". He declined because, as he said it, there's no story to tell. He's just an ordinary boy left with a box of maturity on his lap. And since he doesn't have any idea what to do with that maturity, he decided to keep it so he can share to others what tiny little lessons life taught him.
He was 25 when he graduated college thanks to his perseverance to finish school. Jo-ga was asked to do the Farewell Speech on the graduation proper itself..
------
"Hindi lahat ng nakapagtapos ng pagaaral ay mapalad. Hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon sa pagkakadapa. At hindi lahat ng tao ay may pagnanais na bumangon mula sa pagkakalugmok.
Ang isang pagkakamali ay hindi na maitatama ng panahon. Ang nakaraan na buhay ay gawing gabay sa ating patutunguhan.
Malayo pa ang lalakbayin natin. Hindi dapat huminto ang pagsisikap sa simpleng pagtatapos ng kolehiyo. Bagkus, ito ay pahudyat lamang ng isang nagbabadyang magandang kinabukasan.
Atin itong bigyan ng halaga. Hayaan nating pagbuklurin ng mga aspetong ito ang ating diwa at pag-iisip upang maging ganap sa atin ang kalayaang sumisimbolo ng ating sipag at tiyaga."
------
Jo-ga worked his way to the top. He now owned a quaint house somewhere in Makati, 2 cars, educational facility for the new generation of "swimmer's club" in Pasay and a prestigous title amongst the list of his accomplishments.
Which led me into thinking, how do we differentiate maturity from responsibility? Is there a difference at all? I mean, anybody can be mature, but not all mature people can be responsible.
Responsibility is not a question of how mature a person is. Maturity is not quantifiable by how responsible you are. Responsiblity is not measurable by how young or old a person is. Maturity can be pre-determined by how wise a persons decisions are.
I confess that I, myself am not sure of my definition. I don't even think that my reasoning is correct. I may not be responsible at times. Immature even on occassions. But I think those flaws are what defines us as individuals.
Jo-ga's story is an illustration of the fine line between responsibility and maturity. Maturity because he was wise beyond his age. He was responsible because he stayed focus and never let the fact that he's alone deter him from realizing what he wanted in life. Maybe my analization is incorrect. Maybe I got it all wrong. I probably had it twisted the other way around. Still, I am happy of the outcome.
------
I am sharing Jo-ga's story to set an example to those who dare to dream.
Jo-ga, thank you for letting me share your story..ÜÜÜ
Everybody reaches maturity in their own time. It just so happens that some gain it earlier, while the others are taking time to do so.
But what about those people who were forced into maturity? Those people whose lives change not because they want it, but because they no longer have other option? Those people who have no recourse left but to face the challenges head-on? People, just like you and me, who have our own battles to fight? People, whose lives will soon be connected to us in about a hundred different ways.
I was browsing the net when I came upon this blog entry about forced maturity. A boy whose faith and fate changed everyones opinion and perception of him. Jo-ga, a screen name perhaps, was forced to "raise" himself in a squatters area somewhere along the busy streets of Pasay.
At an early age of 12, he had 2 jobs. During the day, he can be found at the dump site collecting garbage-recyclables to support his studies. During the night, he uses his swimming capabilities to join the "swimmer's club" to get mussels to provide food at the table.
Jo-ga was the type who never complains. Instead, he was always thankfull because he has the strength to do his jobs and his schooling. Not only was he hard-working, he also has a heart of gold.
That could very well be the reason why he's called "Totoy Kristo" in their community.
He thinks of himself lucky because, eventhough he doesn't have a family and there was no explanation as to where they are, he was still surviving everyday. Living life the way he knows how.
A man approached Jo-ga one day and asked if they can interview him for a documentary since he was a little bit popular within the Pasay "swimmers". He declined because, as he said it, there's no story to tell. He's just an ordinary boy left with a box of maturity on his lap. And since he doesn't have any idea what to do with that maturity, he decided to keep it so he can share to others what tiny little lessons life taught him.
He was 25 when he graduated college thanks to his perseverance to finish school. Jo-ga was asked to do the Farewell Speech on the graduation proper itself..
------
"Hindi lahat ng nakapagtapos ng pagaaral ay mapalad. Hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon para bumangon sa pagkakadapa. At hindi lahat ng tao ay may pagnanais na bumangon mula sa pagkakalugmok.
Ang isang pagkakamali ay hindi na maitatama ng panahon. Ang nakaraan na buhay ay gawing gabay sa ating patutunguhan.
Malayo pa ang lalakbayin natin. Hindi dapat huminto ang pagsisikap sa simpleng pagtatapos ng kolehiyo. Bagkus, ito ay pahudyat lamang ng isang nagbabadyang magandang kinabukasan.
Atin itong bigyan ng halaga. Hayaan nating pagbuklurin ng mga aspetong ito ang ating diwa at pag-iisip upang maging ganap sa atin ang kalayaang sumisimbolo ng ating sipag at tiyaga."
------
Jo-ga worked his way to the top. He now owned a quaint house somewhere in Makati, 2 cars, educational facility for the new generation of "swimmer's club" in Pasay and a prestigous title amongst the list of his accomplishments.
Which led me into thinking, how do we differentiate maturity from responsibility? Is there a difference at all? I mean, anybody can be mature, but not all mature people can be responsible.
Responsibility is not a question of how mature a person is. Maturity is not quantifiable by how responsible you are. Responsiblity is not measurable by how young or old a person is. Maturity can be pre-determined by how wise a persons decisions are.
I confess that I, myself am not sure of my definition. I don't even think that my reasoning is correct. I may not be responsible at times. Immature even on occassions. But I think those flaws are what defines us as individuals.
Jo-ga's story is an illustration of the fine line between responsibility and maturity. Maturity because he was wise beyond his age. He was responsible because he stayed focus and never let the fact that he's alone deter him from realizing what he wanted in life. Maybe my analization is incorrect. Maybe I got it all wrong. I probably had it twisted the other way around. Still, I am happy of the outcome.
------
I am sharing Jo-ga's story to set an example to those who dare to dream.
Jo-ga, thank you for letting me share your story..ÜÜÜ
November 25, 2008
Chain of Liberty
I was ready to leave the park where I usually spend my lazy afternoons away when I saw this girl in the other end clutching something in her hand. But what really caught my attention was the way she stared at nothing in particular. I can't quite explain it but I know the look. That kind of look. She's seeing more than the grassy earth infront of her. More than what the bittersweet memories can conjur.
I wasn't aware that I was walking towards her until she looked up and said I was blocking her sun out. All the time I was supposed to be walking, I was thinking how vulnerable she looked.
I apologized and said that it wasn't my intention to screen her from the sunlight. She simply looked at me with that brown eyes full of sorrow. It has to be the saddest eyes I've ever seen in my entire life.
I asked if I can sit beside her. Since she did not respond, I took that as a yes.
So there I was sitting beside the saddest girl in the world not knowing why I was there nor how to start a conversation. I was trying to think of a nice way to say "hi" but to no avail.
Then I remembered a time not so long ago when, I think I was in the same state of mind, I was sitting in the same park contemplating on how to end my problems when this guy approached me, not saying anything, and lended me his music player.
I searched my pocket for the music player since I don't usually go out without it hoping that I'd see the guy who lended it to me.
I turned it on Enya's "A Day Without Rain" and handed her an earpiece. She looked at me with questioning eyes as if asking why am I talking to her. I simply said, "I know how it feels". I asked her to put on the earpiece and listen to the music playing.
She did so without further question. She sat back beside me, stared infront and focused her attention to Enya's "oohh's" and "aahh's". All the while, I was hoping that she'd feel a little better just like what it did to me.
Right after the song ended, she looked at me with a smile. Then she added, "thank you".
I smiled in return. I felt like there's no need for me to answer simply because I know, having somebody beside you, even if you don't know the person, can mean alot. Especially if you're feeling like you're all alone.
So there we were. Strangers yet similar in alot of ways. We might not know each others quirks and stuffs, but somehow, having someone beside us was enough to get us through the day.
Tomorrow is another story. Another chapter, another book whose author still have no idea what to do and what will happen...
------
I'm happy because I was able to give back what was given to me by You and your music player. I don't know how to say it, nor explain it, but it gave me peace of mind. I thank you.
Hope I see you next time I visit the park.
I've already added 23 songs in your Ipod. Hope you like 'em.Ü
I wasn't aware that I was walking towards her until she looked up and said I was blocking her sun out. All the time I was supposed to be walking, I was thinking how vulnerable she looked.
I apologized and said that it wasn't my intention to screen her from the sunlight. She simply looked at me with that brown eyes full of sorrow. It has to be the saddest eyes I've ever seen in my entire life.
I asked if I can sit beside her. Since she did not respond, I took that as a yes.
So there I was sitting beside the saddest girl in the world not knowing why I was there nor how to start a conversation. I was trying to think of a nice way to say "hi" but to no avail.
Then I remembered a time not so long ago when, I think I was in the same state of mind, I was sitting in the same park contemplating on how to end my problems when this guy approached me, not saying anything, and lended me his music player.
I searched my pocket for the music player since I don't usually go out without it hoping that I'd see the guy who lended it to me.
I turned it on Enya's "A Day Without Rain" and handed her an earpiece. She looked at me with questioning eyes as if asking why am I talking to her. I simply said, "I know how it feels". I asked her to put on the earpiece and listen to the music playing.
She did so without further question. She sat back beside me, stared infront and focused her attention to Enya's "oohh's" and "aahh's". All the while, I was hoping that she'd feel a little better just like what it did to me.
Right after the song ended, she looked at me with a smile. Then she added, "thank you".
I smiled in return. I felt like there's no need for me to answer simply because I know, having somebody beside you, even if you don't know the person, can mean alot. Especially if you're feeling like you're all alone.
So there we were. Strangers yet similar in alot of ways. We might not know each others quirks and stuffs, but somehow, having someone beside us was enough to get us through the day.
Tomorrow is another story. Another chapter, another book whose author still have no idea what to do and what will happen...
------
I'm happy because I was able to give back what was given to me by You and your music player. I don't know how to say it, nor explain it, but it gave me peace of mind. I thank you.
Hope I see you next time I visit the park.
I've already added 23 songs in your Ipod. Hope you like 'em.Ü
November 17, 2008
Restraint...
I'm going a little crazy as I inhale your honeysuckle scent. Intoxicating. So addicting. I ran a hand on your silky hair. Feeling it's texture as I imagine our bodies tangled under the sheets. Your lips on my ear sending shivers down my spine as you blow sweet little nothings teamed with your caresses.
I turned my neck so I can nibble at your lips while my hands are roaming freely in you body. I cupped a breast and watched as you catch fire right before my eyes. Just the vision of you flushed with passion was enough to set me off. But I held on. I knew that if I succumb to the need now, it will soon be over.
I heard you gasp as I sucked a nipple while my hands are drawing small circles on your back. My tongue lightly rubbing as I make your nipple hard as a pebble. Not satisfied until I hear you moan, I continued sucking while you beg for more.
I replaced my lips with my hand and gave the other nipple the same attention. Every moan, every gasp and every cry you make, takes me closer to the edge of fulfillment.
I cannot hold back any longer. I have to feel your warmth around me. I need to feel your wetness as I slowly make my way inside your pulsating body.
I positioned a thigh between your legs and parted them as I stare at you. Amazed at how your body glow under the pale moonlight. My head dipped to suck a nipple while I directed my arousal in the center of you femininity. I aimed, circling, searching. But not finding. Until I heard a buzzing sound... My alarm.
No! No! Noo! It was a dream. It was just a dream.
I got up stiff and aroused. Mood worsening every second as I trod towards the bathroom to take another cold shower. I guess I have to be used to that more often since I'm not the type who sleeps around.
For now, I have to be satisfied with my vivid dreams and wild imagination. It will do... For now...
I turned my neck so I can nibble at your lips while my hands are roaming freely in you body. I cupped a breast and watched as you catch fire right before my eyes. Just the vision of you flushed with passion was enough to set me off. But I held on. I knew that if I succumb to the need now, it will soon be over.
I heard you gasp as I sucked a nipple while my hands are drawing small circles on your back. My tongue lightly rubbing as I make your nipple hard as a pebble. Not satisfied until I hear you moan, I continued sucking while you beg for more.
I replaced my lips with my hand and gave the other nipple the same attention. Every moan, every gasp and every cry you make, takes me closer to the edge of fulfillment.
I cannot hold back any longer. I have to feel your warmth around me. I need to feel your wetness as I slowly make my way inside your pulsating body.
I positioned a thigh between your legs and parted them as I stare at you. Amazed at how your body glow under the pale moonlight. My head dipped to suck a nipple while I directed my arousal in the center of you femininity. I aimed, circling, searching. But not finding. Until I heard a buzzing sound... My alarm.
No! No! Noo! It was a dream. It was just a dream.
I got up stiff and aroused. Mood worsening every second as I trod towards the bathroom to take another cold shower. I guess I have to be used to that more often since I'm not the type who sleeps around.
For now, I have to be satisfied with my vivid dreams and wild imagination. It will do... For now...
November 11, 2008
Ang Paghihiganti ni Pilosopong Tasyo!
November 10, 2009 - 10:10 pm
Kabababa ko lang ng bus sa Ayala. Maaga pa ako para sa shift kong 11:00 pm. Pwede pa magsindi ng isang stick ng sigarilyo. *hithit-hinga ng malalim-buga* Haay! Haggard-free!Ang dami ko pa naman dalang gamit kasi galing ako sa bahay last weekend. Iniisip ko, makakapag palit pa ako ng damit sa pad, makaka-kain pa ng dinner, at makakapag toothbrush pa. Palagi ko na nga lang aagahan pumasok sa office every Monday. Para pag dating ko sa office.. FRESH!
Pagkaubos ng yosi, pitik sa gilid.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
Lumingon ako. May pulis. Naglalakad palapit sa akin. Pero I bet hindi ako ang lalapitan nya.
"Boss" sabay kaway. Lumingon ako sa likod ko. Wala naman tao. Sira ulo yata 'to na nagpapanggap lang na pulis.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
"Boss, ikaw". Ako? Bakit? Ah siguro magtatanong lang kung anong oras na. Pero may suot naman siyang relo. Baka walang battery? O kaya sira? Anyway, lumapit ako kay mamang pulis.
"Boss, alam mo bang bawal magtapon ng sigarilyo dito sa Ayala?" sabi n'ya.
Nanlamig ako. Naramdaman ko yung lamig na gumapang sa buo kong katawan. Nagpawis din ang noo at kamay ko kahit malamig ang panahon. Bad trip! Bakit ngayon pa?! Asar! Pero teka lang, 10:30 na ng gabi ah. Dapat wala ng pulis! Tinanong ko si mamang pulis na ang apelyido ay Gonzales base sa uniform n'ya, "Ha? bawal? Naku pasensya na po sa abala. Hindi na po mauulit."
"Bossing pasensya na din pero nahuli kitang nagtapon ng sigarilyo" sagot naman ni Gonzales.
Para hindi na tumagal ang usapan, sige hulihin mo ako. Ok lang. 'Wag lang akong ma-late sa office at andun ang mga clients. Naisip ko din, masyado nang late pero nanghuhuli pa din si mamang pulis. Malamang, hindi ito umabot sa quota. Kung kinakailangan habaan ang pasensya, sige lang.
"Bossing ticket mo" sabay abot ng ticket sa akin.
Binasa ko.... Kumba kumba kumba.. 2,000!!!! Ano?! Dalawang libong piso para lamang sa pagtatapon ng sigarilyo sa kanto ng punyetang Ayala?!! 'Pag minamalas ka nga naman! Asar!!!
Tinanggap ko ang ticket at dali-dali na akong umalis. Ayokong ma-late. Dapat FRESH ako pag dating ko sa office.
10:43 pm
"Boss paki pin lang po ng ID" sabi ng manong guard sa baba ng building.
Halukayin ang bag! TEKA!! Nasaan ang ID ko?!! Bakit parang wala sa bag ko?!! Punyemas! 'Pag minamalas ka naman talaga oh!
"Eh manong, naiwan ko po yata. Hindi niyo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako dumadaan dito ah."
"Kakasimula ko lang po kahapon. Pasensya na po pero bawal po pumasok pag walang ID. Kung may extra po kayong ID, paiwan na lamang po sa reception" sagot sakin ng guard.
Grrrrr!!!! Malas malas malas! Ayaw ko na ng araw na ito! Grrrr!!! Yung FRESHNESS na iniisip ko kanina, unti-unti nang naglalaho!
11:02 pm
Basa ang buhok at likod ko ng pawis, at parang lahat na yata ng mga tiklop sa katawan ko e basa na din ng pawis!
Ang napaka gandang salubong sa akin ng manong guard sa 18th floor, "Bossing parang naglakad kayo sa putikan a." Sabay tawa.
Tinignan ko ang paa ko..
*JARAAAAN*
Umikot ang mundo nang makita ko na ang nanlilimahid kong paa! Naka tsinelas lang ako kaya ayun, may guhit ng putik sa ibabaw ng paa ko! At ang mga gilid ng kuko ko, siniksikan na ng putik! Kung makikita lang ng nanay ko ang paa ko ngayon, katakot-takot na sermon na ang inabot ko panigurado!
Para naman kay manong guard, "Manong, ganyan ang uso ngayon! ang tawag jan... SQUATERISH look!"
Dahil hindi ko na nahabol ang FRESH look, at late na din naman ako, pwes, magpapa-late na ako ng tuluyan! Dadaan na muna ako sa pad para maligo, maglinis ng kuko, at kumain!
11:32 pm
Ultra FRESH ang feeling ko habang naglalakad ako papuntang office. Naka tsinelas pa din, kasi iniwan ko pala sa opisina ang sapatos ko nung Biyernes bago ako umuwi. Pero naka business attire na ako. Pag akyat ko sa ulit sa 18th floor, dumaan muna ako sa pantry para kumuha ng tubig na maiinom at madadala sa loob ng production floor. Habang naglalakad, sinasabi ko sa isip na.. FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO!
Binuksan ko ang tumbler para uminom nang biglang may sumabit sa paa ko...
Tila nag slow-motion ang dahan-dahan kong pagbagsak! Nakita ko ang mga Bumbay na nakatingin sa akin at nakabukas pa ang mga bunganga ng mga hayop! Nakita ko ding umangat ang laman na tubig ng hawak kong tumbler kasabay ng paglipad ng isang tsinelas ko! Hanggang maramdaman ko ang matigas na sahig, una sa aking tuhod hanggang sa dibdib. Gustuhin ko mang pigilan ang nakakahiyang pag bagsak, hindi ko nagawa dahil hawak ko sa kaliwang kamay ang tumbler ng tubig na wala nang laman dahil lumilipad pa ang tubig, sa kanang kamay naman, ang basag ko nang telepono.
Nang maramdaman ko na ang sakit na dulot ng pagbagsak na, nanatili lang akong nakahiga sa sahig. Akala ko tapos na ang kahihiyan. Hindi pa pala! Yung tubig na kasalukuyang lumilipad, unti-unti nang bumababa! Gustuhin ko mang umilag, ang punyemas na katawan ko ayaw maki-cooperate! Ayaw n'yang gumalaw!!! Hanggang sa ayan na! Malapit na! Hahalikan na ng tubig ang ang mukha ko! Isa, dalawa, tat..
*SSPLAAAAAAAAAASHHHH*
Hindi ko man lang natapos ang pagbibilang ko. Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi dahil sa masakit ang katawan ko, kundi dahil sa kahihiyan! Sobrang nakakahiya!!! Eeeeeeee!!!
*PLONGK*
At ang magaling na tsinelas, sumunod pa! Sobra na 'to! Lord sana lumindol para ma-distract ang mga tao! Ayoko na! Bwiseeeeet na FRESHNESSSS yan!
Naghintay akong may lumapit sa akin. Aba! Ang mga hayuuup nagtatawanan lang sa post nila! Hindi ba nila alam kung ano feeling nang napapahiya?! Tumingin ako sa mga Bumbay, hoping na tutulungan nila at sasawayin ang mga agents. Pero hindi! Naki-tawa pa ang mga akala mong mababangong Bumbay! Leche! Pwes, pandilatan ko nga! 'Yung tipong nakamamatay na dilat!
Walang dating sa mga agents at Bumbay! Lalo pa nilang nilakasan ang tawa!
Nag-isip ako kung ano ang pinaka the best na paraan para matakasan ang kahihiyang ito. Tumawa din kaya ako? Para isipin nila na nagpapatawa lang ako. Pero mahirap tumawa kung naiiyak ka na sa sobrang kamalasan! Kung itutuloy ko naman ang pinipigilan ko ng luha, panigurado lalo lang silang tatawa. Deadma kaya? Hindi din! Masakit and pagbagsak ko para deadmahin! Aaaaahhhhh LECHE!!!
Bumangon nalang ako. Pinilit tumayo ng derecho kahit masakit ang tuhod at pwet ko. Go! Punasan ang tumutulong buhok ng dahan-dahan.. Sabay sabi ng,
"That's what you call GRAND ENTRANCE!"
Pinili ko nalang magpatawa kahit hiyang-hiya na ako. At least iisipin nila na OK lang sa akin 'yun. Iika-ika akong lumakad papunta sa offfice ko. Isang kamay nasa bewang, sa kabilang kamay naman, 'yung pesteng tumbler. At habang naglalakad, pinagda-dasal ko pa din na lumindol!
Pero deadma pa din si Papa Jesus. Haay. Goodbye FRESHNESS!!
'Pag pasok ko sa office, isasara ko na dapat ang pinto pero nakadama ako ng panlalamig sa paa. Nakalimutan ko pala ang tsinelas kong mumurahin! Siyeeet! Lumingon ako, nakatingin pa din ang mga sinumpa kong agents! Naghanap ako ng pwede kong utusan.
"Jason, go on Aux 4! Get my slippers and bring it here! Now!" Pasigaw kong sabi. Pero take note, British accent pa ito!
Sumunod naman agad si agent. Takot pa din ang mokong kahit pinagtawanan ako. Pagkaabot ng tsinelas, inutusan ko pang punasan yung basa sa sahig kung saan gumuho ang FRESHNESS ko! Sabay sara ng pinto. Dahan-dahan naman.
11:58 pm
Maghihiganti ako!!! Sa mga hinayupak na agents, pati na din sa mga mababahong Bumbay! Wala akong pakialam kahit magalit pa sila sa'kin! Lintik lang ang walang ganti! Naks! Sisiguraduhin kong matitikman nila ang pait ng paghihiganti ko! Ang tanong nga lang... Paano? Tsaka dapat hindi nila mahahalata
*TING*
Mags-scan ako ng calls ng mga agents at hahanapan ko talaga sila ng butas! Sisiguraduhin kong LUPA ang grades nila! 'Yung tipong magmamakaawa sila sa'kin para mag-additional scan! Bwahahahaha! At sa mga mababahong Bumbay na 'yan, um.. Pagiisipan ko pa kung pano ako maghihiganti!
4:56 am
Wala nang break-break! Kailangan ma-scan ko sila lahat! Tapos na ako sa 18! 2 nalang at tapos na ako sa paghihiganti ko! Nyahahahaha! Pero ginaw na ginaw na ako. Bakit kasi hindi ko pa dinala yung jacket ko kanina bago pumasok sa office?! Ayan tuloy. Pero OK lang. Basta makapag higanti!
5:20 am
Binuksan ko ang pinto. Sumilip. Naghanap ng agents... Kilala ko na kung sino ang uunahin ko! Yung pinaka malakas tumawa kanina!
"Kakai, after that call go on Aux 4! We have coaching session! Clear?!"
6:00 am
Bwahahahahaha!!! Ang saya! Ang sarap maghiganti! Halos lahat ng agents na na-coach ko, nagmakaawa sa'kin para mag-additional scan sa kanila!!! Biglang may kumatok sa pinto. So tumayo ako para buksan. Ang CEO ng buong account! Himala! Bakit ako pinuntahan? Nahalata ba n'ya na lahat ng lumalabas na agent galing sa office ko e malungkot?
Walang dating!
"I noticed you have not taken your break yet. 'Wanna join me?"
Biglang pumasok sa isip ko ang napipintong paghihiganti sa mga Bumbay! This is my chance! This is it!
"Sure Sir! I'll just grab my wallet!" Ang laki ng smile ko! Sisiraan ko ang mga Bumbay sa mga sine-send nilang reports! Ipapangalandakan ko ang inaccuracy sa reports nila! This is really it!
Sinuot ko ang tsinelas since kakain lang naman kami sa tapat.
Habang naglalakad kami ni Boss sa floor, nakatingin lahat ng agents. Pti na din ang mga Bumbay. Derecho lang ang tingin ko. Kunwari wala ako ibang nakikita kundi ang malapad na likod ng Boss ko. Before makalabas ng production floor, hinawakan ng isang TL ang sleeves ko sabay sabi, "Tofi, remember, Karma is digital!"
Sinagot ko nang "Really? Since when? 'Yang mga hayup na Bumbay na yan ang dapat matakot sa Karma for polluting the air we breathe!". Sabay pa kami nagtawanan ni TL!
6:12 am
Pag labas namin ng building, umaambon. Natanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko.. Umiiyak ba ang langit dahil napahiya ako kanina? It's nice to know na nakikidalamhati ang langit sa'kin. Hehehe.
Maluwang ang kalsada dahil wala pa naman masyadong mga sasakyan na dumadaan. Maninigarilyo dapat ako pero naisip ko ang ticket na naka-ipit sa wallet ko. Mamaya nalang ako maninigarilyo 'pag tapos kumain. For now, kailangan tumawid at alalayan ang dambuhalang CEO.
Nasa gitna kami ng kalsada nang aksidenteng matapakan ng CEO ang tsinelas ko!
*SLOW MOTION MODE*
Dahan-dahan ko ulit naramdaman ang pagbagsak ko. Lumingon ako sa gilid para tignan c Boss, dilat na dilat ang mata, nakabuka ang bibig at nakatayo lang! Na-shock yata. Tumingin ako sa harap. Maraming nakatingin! Naku po!!! Ito na ang Karma!!!
*BLAAG*
Para akong aso na nakadapa sa gitna ng kalsada! Asaaaar! Bakit?!! Bakit kailangan maulit at sa harap pa ng mas madaming nakakakita?!!!! Asaaaar!!!!
Dali-dali ako tumayo! At infairness, c Boss naman ang umalalay sakin hanggang makatawid na nga kami. Ayoko na! Sobrang pagka pahiya na ito para sa isang araw!!! Lumindol ka na kasi!!! Para ma-divert ang attention ng tao!!!
Nararamdaman ko pa din ang init ng tingin ng mga tao sa likod ko habang papasok kami ni Boss sa kainan. Haay. Isa ang araw na 'to sa mga gusto ko ng matapos para makalimutan na agad! Makalimutan ang nangyari. Makalimutan ng mga tao ang nangyari. Higit sa lahat, makalimutan na ang pagka pahiya ko!
7:00 am
Isang oras nalang uwian ko na! Makakapag tago na ako sa pad ko! Ang plano, aabsent ako mamaya sa shift ko! Sa ngayon, surf lang muna ng internet! Go!
8:00 am
Sasabay ba ako sa mga agents umuwi o magpapa-late ako ng konti para ako nalang mag-isa? Mas maganda yatang plano yung magpa-late ng konti!
8:15 am
Ako nalang ang tao sa floor. It's time to go home! Yehey!!! Sa wakas! Matatapos na ang araw na 'to! Pero bago umuwi, naka-isip nanaman ako ng ka-demonyohan! Para simulan ang paghihiganti ko sa mga Bumbay, tanggalin ko nga ang mga wire sa likod ng mga computer nila! Hindi pa natatapos jan ang ganti ko! May kasunod pa yan! Hintay lang. For now, magpapakalunod muna ako sa paghihiganti ko sa mga agents. Bwahahaha!
------
share ko lang kahit walang kwenta..Ü
Kabababa ko lang ng bus sa Ayala. Maaga pa ako para sa shift kong 11:00 pm. Pwede pa magsindi ng isang stick ng sigarilyo. *hithit-hinga ng malalim-buga* Haay! Haggard-free!Ang dami ko pa naman dalang gamit kasi galing ako sa bahay last weekend. Iniisip ko, makakapag palit pa ako ng damit sa pad, makaka-kain pa ng dinner, at makakapag toothbrush pa. Palagi ko na nga lang aagahan pumasok sa office every Monday. Para pag dating ko sa office.. FRESH!
Pagkaubos ng yosi, pitik sa gilid.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
Lumingon ako. May pulis. Naglalakad palapit sa akin. Pero I bet hindi ako ang lalapitan nya.
"Boss" sabay kaway. Lumingon ako sa likod ko. Wala naman tao. Sira ulo yata 'to na nagpapanggap lang na pulis.
*PPPRRRRRRRRRRTTT*
"Boss, ikaw". Ako? Bakit? Ah siguro magtatanong lang kung anong oras na. Pero may suot naman siyang relo. Baka walang battery? O kaya sira? Anyway, lumapit ako kay mamang pulis.
"Boss, alam mo bang bawal magtapon ng sigarilyo dito sa Ayala?" sabi n'ya.
Nanlamig ako. Naramdaman ko yung lamig na gumapang sa buo kong katawan. Nagpawis din ang noo at kamay ko kahit malamig ang panahon. Bad trip! Bakit ngayon pa?! Asar! Pero teka lang, 10:30 na ng gabi ah. Dapat wala ng pulis! Tinanong ko si mamang pulis na ang apelyido ay Gonzales base sa uniform n'ya, "Ha? bawal? Naku pasensya na po sa abala. Hindi na po mauulit."
"Bossing pasensya na din pero nahuli kitang nagtapon ng sigarilyo" sagot naman ni Gonzales.
Para hindi na tumagal ang usapan, sige hulihin mo ako. Ok lang. 'Wag lang akong ma-late sa office at andun ang mga clients. Naisip ko din, masyado nang late pero nanghuhuli pa din si mamang pulis. Malamang, hindi ito umabot sa quota. Kung kinakailangan habaan ang pasensya, sige lang.
"Bossing ticket mo" sabay abot ng ticket sa akin.
Binasa ko.... Kumba kumba kumba.. 2,000!!!! Ano?! Dalawang libong piso para lamang sa pagtatapon ng sigarilyo sa kanto ng punyetang Ayala?!! 'Pag minamalas ka nga naman! Asar!!!
Tinanggap ko ang ticket at dali-dali na akong umalis. Ayokong ma-late. Dapat FRESH ako pag dating ko sa office.
10:43 pm
"Boss paki pin lang po ng ID" sabi ng manong guard sa baba ng building.
Halukayin ang bag! TEKA!! Nasaan ang ID ko?!! Bakit parang wala sa bag ko?!! Punyemas! 'Pag minamalas ka naman talaga oh!
"Eh manong, naiwan ko po yata. Hindi niyo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako dumadaan dito ah."
"Kakasimula ko lang po kahapon. Pasensya na po pero bawal po pumasok pag walang ID. Kung may extra po kayong ID, paiwan na lamang po sa reception" sagot sakin ng guard.
Grrrrr!!!! Malas malas malas! Ayaw ko na ng araw na ito! Grrrr!!! Yung FRESHNESS na iniisip ko kanina, unti-unti nang naglalaho!
11:02 pm
Basa ang buhok at likod ko ng pawis, at parang lahat na yata ng mga tiklop sa katawan ko e basa na din ng pawis!
Ang napaka gandang salubong sa akin ng manong guard sa 18th floor, "Bossing parang naglakad kayo sa putikan a." Sabay tawa.
Tinignan ko ang paa ko..
*JARAAAAN*
Umikot ang mundo nang makita ko na ang nanlilimahid kong paa! Naka tsinelas lang ako kaya ayun, may guhit ng putik sa ibabaw ng paa ko! At ang mga gilid ng kuko ko, siniksikan na ng putik! Kung makikita lang ng nanay ko ang paa ko ngayon, katakot-takot na sermon na ang inabot ko panigurado!
Para naman kay manong guard, "Manong, ganyan ang uso ngayon! ang tawag jan... SQUATERISH look!"
Dahil hindi ko na nahabol ang FRESH look, at late na din naman ako, pwes, magpapa-late na ako ng tuluyan! Dadaan na muna ako sa pad para maligo, maglinis ng kuko, at kumain!
11:32 pm
Ultra FRESH ang feeling ko habang naglalakad ako papuntang office. Naka tsinelas pa din, kasi iniwan ko pala sa opisina ang sapatos ko nung Biyernes bago ako umuwi. Pero naka business attire na ako. Pag akyat ko sa ulit sa 18th floor, dumaan muna ako sa pantry para kumuha ng tubig na maiinom at madadala sa loob ng production floor. Habang naglalakad, sinasabi ko sa isip na.. FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO! FRESH AKO!
Binuksan ko ang tumbler para uminom nang biglang may sumabit sa paa ko...
Tila nag slow-motion ang dahan-dahan kong pagbagsak! Nakita ko ang mga Bumbay na nakatingin sa akin at nakabukas pa ang mga bunganga ng mga hayop! Nakita ko ding umangat ang laman na tubig ng hawak kong tumbler kasabay ng paglipad ng isang tsinelas ko! Hanggang maramdaman ko ang matigas na sahig, una sa aking tuhod hanggang sa dibdib. Gustuhin ko mang pigilan ang nakakahiyang pag bagsak, hindi ko nagawa dahil hawak ko sa kaliwang kamay ang tumbler ng tubig na wala nang laman dahil lumilipad pa ang tubig, sa kanang kamay naman, ang basag ko nang telepono.
Nang maramdaman ko na ang sakit na dulot ng pagbagsak na, nanatili lang akong nakahiga sa sahig. Akala ko tapos na ang kahihiyan. Hindi pa pala! Yung tubig na kasalukuyang lumilipad, unti-unti nang bumababa! Gustuhin ko mang umilag, ang punyemas na katawan ko ayaw maki-cooperate! Ayaw n'yang gumalaw!!! Hanggang sa ayan na! Malapit na! Hahalikan na ng tubig ang ang mukha ko! Isa, dalawa, tat..
*SSPLAAAAAAAAAASHHHH*
Hindi ko man lang natapos ang pagbibilang ko. Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi dahil sa masakit ang katawan ko, kundi dahil sa kahihiyan! Sobrang nakakahiya!!! Eeeeeeee!!!
*PLONGK*
At ang magaling na tsinelas, sumunod pa! Sobra na 'to! Lord sana lumindol para ma-distract ang mga tao! Ayoko na! Bwiseeeeet na FRESHNESSSS yan!
Naghintay akong may lumapit sa akin. Aba! Ang mga hayuuup nagtatawanan lang sa post nila! Hindi ba nila alam kung ano feeling nang napapahiya?! Tumingin ako sa mga Bumbay, hoping na tutulungan nila at sasawayin ang mga agents. Pero hindi! Naki-tawa pa ang mga akala mong mababangong Bumbay! Leche! Pwes, pandilatan ko nga! 'Yung tipong nakamamatay na dilat!
Walang dating sa mga agents at Bumbay! Lalo pa nilang nilakasan ang tawa!
Nag-isip ako kung ano ang pinaka the best na paraan para matakasan ang kahihiyang ito. Tumawa din kaya ako? Para isipin nila na nagpapatawa lang ako. Pero mahirap tumawa kung naiiyak ka na sa sobrang kamalasan! Kung itutuloy ko naman ang pinipigilan ko ng luha, panigurado lalo lang silang tatawa. Deadma kaya? Hindi din! Masakit and pagbagsak ko para deadmahin! Aaaaahhhhh LECHE!!!
Bumangon nalang ako. Pinilit tumayo ng derecho kahit masakit ang tuhod at pwet ko. Go! Punasan ang tumutulong buhok ng dahan-dahan.. Sabay sabi ng,
"That's what you call GRAND ENTRANCE!"
Pinili ko nalang magpatawa kahit hiyang-hiya na ako. At least iisipin nila na OK lang sa akin 'yun. Iika-ika akong lumakad papunta sa offfice ko. Isang kamay nasa bewang, sa kabilang kamay naman, 'yung pesteng tumbler. At habang naglalakad, pinagda-dasal ko pa din na lumindol!
Pero deadma pa din si Papa Jesus. Haay. Goodbye FRESHNESS!!
'Pag pasok ko sa office, isasara ko na dapat ang pinto pero nakadama ako ng panlalamig sa paa. Nakalimutan ko pala ang tsinelas kong mumurahin! Siyeeet! Lumingon ako, nakatingin pa din ang mga sinumpa kong agents! Naghanap ako ng pwede kong utusan.
"Jason, go on Aux 4! Get my slippers and bring it here! Now!" Pasigaw kong sabi. Pero take note, British accent pa ito!
Sumunod naman agad si agent. Takot pa din ang mokong kahit pinagtawanan ako. Pagkaabot ng tsinelas, inutusan ko pang punasan yung basa sa sahig kung saan gumuho ang FRESHNESS ko! Sabay sara ng pinto. Dahan-dahan naman.
11:58 pm
Maghihiganti ako!!! Sa mga hinayupak na agents, pati na din sa mga mababahong Bumbay! Wala akong pakialam kahit magalit pa sila sa'kin! Lintik lang ang walang ganti! Naks! Sisiguraduhin kong matitikman nila ang pait ng paghihiganti ko! Ang tanong nga lang... Paano? Tsaka dapat hindi nila mahahalata
*TING*
Mags-scan ako ng calls ng mga agents at hahanapan ko talaga sila ng butas! Sisiguraduhin kong LUPA ang grades nila! 'Yung tipong magmamakaawa sila sa'kin para mag-additional scan! Bwahahahaha! At sa mga mababahong Bumbay na 'yan, um.. Pagiisipan ko pa kung pano ako maghihiganti!
4:56 am
Wala nang break-break! Kailangan ma-scan ko sila lahat! Tapos na ako sa 18! 2 nalang at tapos na ako sa paghihiganti ko! Nyahahahaha! Pero ginaw na ginaw na ako. Bakit kasi hindi ko pa dinala yung jacket ko kanina bago pumasok sa office?! Ayan tuloy. Pero OK lang. Basta makapag higanti!
5:20 am
Binuksan ko ang pinto. Sumilip. Naghanap ng agents... Kilala ko na kung sino ang uunahin ko! Yung pinaka malakas tumawa kanina!
"Kakai, after that call go on Aux 4! We have coaching session! Clear?!"
6:00 am
Bwahahahahaha!!! Ang saya! Ang sarap maghiganti! Halos lahat ng agents na na-coach ko, nagmakaawa sa'kin para mag-additional scan sa kanila!!! Biglang may kumatok sa pinto. So tumayo ako para buksan. Ang CEO ng buong account! Himala! Bakit ako pinuntahan? Nahalata ba n'ya na lahat ng lumalabas na agent galing sa office ko e malungkot?
Walang dating!
"I noticed you have not taken your break yet. 'Wanna join me?"
Biglang pumasok sa isip ko ang napipintong paghihiganti sa mga Bumbay! This is my chance! This is it!
"Sure Sir! I'll just grab my wallet!" Ang laki ng smile ko! Sisiraan ko ang mga Bumbay sa mga sine-send nilang reports! Ipapangalandakan ko ang inaccuracy sa reports nila! This is really it!
Sinuot ko ang tsinelas since kakain lang naman kami sa tapat.
Habang naglalakad kami ni Boss sa floor, nakatingin lahat ng agents. Pti na din ang mga Bumbay. Derecho lang ang tingin ko. Kunwari wala ako ibang nakikita kundi ang malapad na likod ng Boss ko. Before makalabas ng production floor, hinawakan ng isang TL ang sleeves ko sabay sabi, "Tofi, remember, Karma is digital!"
Sinagot ko nang "Really? Since when? 'Yang mga hayup na Bumbay na yan ang dapat matakot sa Karma for polluting the air we breathe!". Sabay pa kami nagtawanan ni TL!
6:12 am
Pag labas namin ng building, umaambon. Natanong ko tuloy ang sarili ko.. Umiiyak ba ang langit dahil napahiya ako kanina? It's nice to know na nakikidalamhati ang langit sa'kin. Hehehe.
Maluwang ang kalsada dahil wala pa naman masyadong mga sasakyan na dumadaan. Maninigarilyo dapat ako pero naisip ko ang ticket na naka-ipit sa wallet ko. Mamaya nalang ako maninigarilyo 'pag tapos kumain. For now, kailangan tumawid at alalayan ang dambuhalang CEO.
Nasa gitna kami ng kalsada nang aksidenteng matapakan ng CEO ang tsinelas ko!
*SLOW MOTION MODE*
Dahan-dahan ko ulit naramdaman ang pagbagsak ko. Lumingon ako sa gilid para tignan c Boss, dilat na dilat ang mata, nakabuka ang bibig at nakatayo lang! Na-shock yata. Tumingin ako sa harap. Maraming nakatingin! Naku po!!! Ito na ang Karma!!!
*BLAAG*
Para akong aso na nakadapa sa gitna ng kalsada! Asaaaar! Bakit?!! Bakit kailangan maulit at sa harap pa ng mas madaming nakakakita?!!!! Asaaaar!!!!
Dali-dali ako tumayo! At infairness, c Boss naman ang umalalay sakin hanggang makatawid na nga kami. Ayoko na! Sobrang pagka pahiya na ito para sa isang araw!!! Lumindol ka na kasi!!! Para ma-divert ang attention ng tao!!!
Nararamdaman ko pa din ang init ng tingin ng mga tao sa likod ko habang papasok kami ni Boss sa kainan. Haay. Isa ang araw na 'to sa mga gusto ko ng matapos para makalimutan na agad! Makalimutan ang nangyari. Makalimutan ng mga tao ang nangyari. Higit sa lahat, makalimutan na ang pagka pahiya ko!
7:00 am
Isang oras nalang uwian ko na! Makakapag tago na ako sa pad ko! Ang plano, aabsent ako mamaya sa shift ko! Sa ngayon, surf lang muna ng internet! Go!
8:00 am
Sasabay ba ako sa mga agents umuwi o magpapa-late ako ng konti para ako nalang mag-isa? Mas maganda yatang plano yung magpa-late ng konti!
8:15 am
Ako nalang ang tao sa floor. It's time to go home! Yehey!!! Sa wakas! Matatapos na ang araw na 'to! Pero bago umuwi, naka-isip nanaman ako ng ka-demonyohan! Para simulan ang paghihiganti ko sa mga Bumbay, tanggalin ko nga ang mga wire sa likod ng mga computer nila! Hindi pa natatapos jan ang ganti ko! May kasunod pa yan! Hintay lang. For now, magpapakalunod muna ako sa paghihiganti ko sa mga agents. Bwahahaha!
------
share ko lang kahit walang kwenta..Ü
November 10, 2008
Break Of Dawn
As night turns into day, I feel a sense of triumph as I survive another day of a never endless battle from my unlikely demons. Demons that I thought I could not conquer. Demons that I thought would make me numb until life was sucked out of me. Demons that would take me farther down an abyssal nothingness.
I now know how to fight my battles. Even if it's just one day at a time. At least I'm surviving. And at this point, that's what counts the most. Me surviving.
I thought I was ready to give it all away. I thought I was ready to end it all. But I was wrong.
Last Saturday afternoon, I received a call from somebody very unexpected. My brother whom I haven't talk to for a while now called me up to check how I'm doing. It was so unexpected because we were never really close. I was not expecting him to call me up to simply ask my whereabouts and my little shenanigans. It gave me warmth and a sense of belongingness to know that he remembers me. And it felt good. Again, my overactive dramatization of life kicked-in.
The simple Hi's and Hello's turned into the type of conversation where super logical thinking needs to be in place. Well, that's my brother alright. I don't know how it happened, or who directed the whole conversation into that topic, but I suddenly found myself talking about what I think went wrong in our "perfect little family". I talked about me graduating grade school and the things he said before I marched down the isle. Words that somehow, made me the "icy" Tofi. Words that up to now, every time I remember, gives off a bitter feeling making me want to vomit.
My Mom and my other Kuya had no idea what happened. And since we are not the "open" type when it comes to sharing our thoughts, they didn't ask any questions at all. Which, in my opinion, added to the ever growing space between my eldest Kuya and I. Until, the conversation, that is. So my Kuya and I talked and talked for at least a couple of hours or so, when he finally said, "I've said my piece. Hope it wasn't to late to make amends. Hope it's not too late to baby my kid brother around kahit malaki ka na."
I couldn't talk. What is there to say anyway? I was so moved that I can't even think of a coherent thought. I felt like, if I open my mouth, I'll only squeak. Not because I don't care to what he said, but because I'm about to cry. What baffled me was the last words he said before he hung up the phone. He said, "whatever you're undergoing through right now, andito lang ako. Kuya mo pa rin ako. And I'll always protect you kasi ikaw and baby brother ko." Then he hung-up.
Tears started to fall without me knowing it. Until a teardrop fell on my hand. The wall that I've created around me now has a crack. A very comforting crack at that! I looked outside my window and there was the glorious sunshine. Bathing me with its warmth and passion for life.
That's when I realized, Jeff, Chase, Sam, Dok, Mugen, Claire, Jason, Alexa and India were right all along. It will take someone to cast the spell away. Someone who can make me whole again. In my case, my eldest brother..
I didn't talk to my brother about what pains me or what haunts me everyday. But somehow, knowing that I've rekindled the bond we used to have gave me hope that indeed, there is life beyond what I believed to be a dead end.
Now, I'm facing another battle. A battle I must learn to fight everyday. A whole new kind of battle to enjoy life as much as I can. A battle wherein failure will only be a breeze away for I know I'll have my family to fall back on. A battle, I know, I can win someday...
I now know how to fight my battles. Even if it's just one day at a time. At least I'm surviving. And at this point, that's what counts the most. Me surviving.
I thought I was ready to give it all away. I thought I was ready to end it all. But I was wrong.
Last Saturday afternoon, I received a call from somebody very unexpected. My brother whom I haven't talk to for a while now called me up to check how I'm doing. It was so unexpected because we were never really close. I was not expecting him to call me up to simply ask my whereabouts and my little shenanigans. It gave me warmth and a sense of belongingness to know that he remembers me. And it felt good. Again, my overactive dramatization of life kicked-in.
The simple Hi's and Hello's turned into the type of conversation where super logical thinking needs to be in place. Well, that's my brother alright. I don't know how it happened, or who directed the whole conversation into that topic, but I suddenly found myself talking about what I think went wrong in our "perfect little family". I talked about me graduating grade school and the things he said before I marched down the isle. Words that somehow, made me the "icy" Tofi. Words that up to now, every time I remember, gives off a bitter feeling making me want to vomit.
My Mom and my other Kuya had no idea what happened. And since we are not the "open" type when it comes to sharing our thoughts, they didn't ask any questions at all. Which, in my opinion, added to the ever growing space between my eldest Kuya and I. Until, the conversation, that is. So my Kuya and I talked and talked for at least a couple of hours or so, when he finally said, "I've said my piece. Hope it wasn't to late to make amends. Hope it's not too late to baby my kid brother around kahit malaki ka na."
I couldn't talk. What is there to say anyway? I was so moved that I can't even think of a coherent thought. I felt like, if I open my mouth, I'll only squeak. Not because I don't care to what he said, but because I'm about to cry. What baffled me was the last words he said before he hung up the phone. He said, "whatever you're undergoing through right now, andito lang ako. Kuya mo pa rin ako. And I'll always protect you kasi ikaw and baby brother ko." Then he hung-up.
Tears started to fall without me knowing it. Until a teardrop fell on my hand. The wall that I've created around me now has a crack. A very comforting crack at that! I looked outside my window and there was the glorious sunshine. Bathing me with its warmth and passion for life.
That's when I realized, Jeff, Chase, Sam, Dok, Mugen, Claire, Jason, Alexa and India were right all along. It will take someone to cast the spell away. Someone who can make me whole again. In my case, my eldest brother..
I didn't talk to my brother about what pains me or what haunts me everyday. But somehow, knowing that I've rekindled the bond we used to have gave me hope that indeed, there is life beyond what I believed to be a dead end.
Now, I'm facing another battle. A battle I must learn to fight everyday. A whole new kind of battle to enjoy life as much as I can. A battle wherein failure will only be a breeze away for I know I'll have my family to fall back on. A battle, I know, I can win someday...
November 05, 2008
Beginning of the End (2)
Thank you my online friend.
I thank you for letting me see a little bit of sunshine after a stormy day. Thank you for listening to my dramatics and my little nothings. I might seem like a shallow person, and maybe I am, but I still thank you for listening. If I wasn't able to return this Ipod to it's rightful owner, I'm going to give it to you. Hehe.
I gave myself time.. Well, until this coming Sunday. If things didn't brighten up and I'm still in this hell-hole, it's time to say goodbye. I've thought about it. And I guess this is the best solution amongst all the options that I've pondered. And in a way, every time I think about what's going to happen, certain serenity washes over me. I guess because I know my demons can no longer hunt me by then.
I hate seeing myself in the mirror every single day because I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. So as much as possible, I steer-clear away from mirrors. And the person behind the mirror looks.... Haunted.
As my final battle sees it's end, I cannot help but wonder if I've fought my battles well enough. If I've given it my all. One thing is for sure though, from this day until my deadline this Sunday, I'm going to try and fight this battle.
For now, I'll look forward to the coffee and doughnut you've promised me.Ü I just hope I'm still "around" when you get to it..
I thank you for letting me see a little bit of sunshine after a stormy day. Thank you for listening to my dramatics and my little nothings. I might seem like a shallow person, and maybe I am, but I still thank you for listening. If I wasn't able to return this Ipod to it's rightful owner, I'm going to give it to you. Hehe.
I gave myself time.. Well, until this coming Sunday. If things didn't brighten up and I'm still in this hell-hole, it's time to say goodbye. I've thought about it. And I guess this is the best solution amongst all the options that I've pondered. And in a way, every time I think about what's going to happen, certain serenity washes over me. I guess because I know my demons can no longer hunt me by then.
I hate seeing myself in the mirror every single day because I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. So as much as possible, I steer-clear away from mirrors. And the person behind the mirror looks.... Haunted.
As my final battle sees it's end, I cannot help but wonder if I've fought my battles well enough. If I've given it my all. One thing is for sure though, from this day until my deadline this Sunday, I'm going to try and fight this battle.
For now, I'll look forward to the coffee and doughnut you've promised me.Ü I just hope I'm still "around" when you get to it..
Labels:
Saying goodbye
November 03, 2008
Beginning of the End
I am drowning..
I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?
So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.
To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?
I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.
Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.
A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.
For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.
I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.
Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.
Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..
I don't know how to lift myself from this hell-hole. And I don't think I even want to. I mean, what is there to look forward to when the only truth I've known all my life has suddenly vanished right before my very eyes? When my very foundation for living has crumbled into bits and pieces and I have no means to rebuild it? When the only light that I look forward to has it's fire put-out by an unforeseen nature? And no matter how much I rekindle the fire to give me comfort and warmth, coldness has already wrapped me in a tight grip?
So many questions. So many probabilities. Yet I'm still hesitant to look for the answers. Because in the end, I might still end up at the bottom. And if that happens, I don't know if I can survive. If I want to survive.
To be honest, I'm having thoughts of ending this all. But what would that make me?
I need help! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. I am wise enough to know that fantasy can not be my reality! For fantasy never hurts. It makes you forget. Then reality bites you with it's fangs so sharp that just by looking at it, you'll die. Reality makes you wish for death. Reality makes you crave for death.
Ghastly, yes! But it's the bitter truth! The truth in my world.
A friend of mine advised me to think of happy thoughts. Yet that made the craving even worse! Thinking of happy thoughts made me realize how empty I am and how desolate I've been. This sucks! Another friend asked me to seek solitude in the confines of my room. He said to think about life and what does it mean to me. But just like the previous advise, it did not help. I was nearing the end of my rope. Operative word, WAS. When a friend advised me to put up a wall around me. As he phrased it, he said "put up a citadel". And I answered "I already have" without even thinking about it. Which later on became a driving force for me to get up and guard myself from the onslaught of my living nightmares.
For a while there it helped. By putting up a wall, I made myself immune to the demons that haunted me. It made me strong... For a while.
I need help! I'm drowning! Yet the undercurrents pulling me towards the deep recesses of frailty are a warm welcome from the colossal force of despair. This might mean the end of the road. But I guess I have to try and fight.
Now I feel like I'm nearing the end of another . This time, the rope is now a thread.
Laughter can easily hide tears. Smile can easily mask a frown. A wave can mean hello. Even if you're trying to say goodbye. That's the hardest part of all. Making new friends, but having to say goodbye..
Labels:
Saying goodbye,
Wish
October 31, 2008
Goodbye.. Friend
"It's with a heavy heart that I inform you of the demise of a well-loved friend and Points 'n Flexes Alumnus, Louie Bago. He passed away yesterday. Please pray for his departed soul. Thanks"
That's what roused me from a rather boring and uneventful day. For a minute there I wasn't ale to move. Rather, I cannot move. I tried to move a muscle but failed. I tried to breathe but it seemed like I forgot how to. I tried to focus my eyes on the reports I was doing but it would not either. My head was spinning out of control.
I knew I had to step out. I knew what was about to happen. Nausea started to rise as Louie's ever-smiling face started to appear infront of the monitor. But still, I'm frozen.
I felt someone tapping my shoulder. And it was what I exactly needed to break from the trance I'm in. I looked up and Aoie was looking at me funny.
"Are you O.K? Bigla ka nalang namutla jan ah"
"May na-recieve lang akong text"
"Eh bakit ka nga biglang namutla?"
"Wala. Kailangan ko lang ng fresh air"
I stepped out of the building and started to walk. As usual, walking helps me think. Helps me re-organize my thoughts back into coherentness.
I felt my left pocket for my lighter but it wasn't there. I must have left it in my office. This sudden need to smoke was brought on by the realization that one of my friends just passed away. A friend, whose passion was to dance his heart out. A friend whose desire was to make other people smile. A friend, who I just promised last week that I'd go and visit but was unable to. A friend who, way back in college, taught me how to "de-stress" by lighting up a cigarette. My friend, Louie.
I sat at my favorite spot in the park. It has become my own little sanctuary where I can reflect and think about almost everything. My own little dream world.
Louie was the type who loves to kid around. He always had a joke with him. And no matter how serious or depressing the mood was, he finds a way to make "things" brighter. It was his personality. It was the Louie that all of De La Salle Performing Arts Group loved and that we'll surely miss..
As I inhale the last puff of my ever dependable cigarette, I made a promise to go and visit Sta. Clara church this Sunday. I will write a prayer for your soul and for mine as well. Maybe soon, if I can no longer contain this depression I've been feeling for weeks now, I might go and "visit" you..
Until then my friend, I'll miss you...
That's what roused me from a rather boring and uneventful day. For a minute there I wasn't ale to move. Rather, I cannot move. I tried to move a muscle but failed. I tried to breathe but it seemed like I forgot how to. I tried to focus my eyes on the reports I was doing but it would not either. My head was spinning out of control.
I knew I had to step out. I knew what was about to happen. Nausea started to rise as Louie's ever-smiling face started to appear infront of the monitor. But still, I'm frozen.
I felt someone tapping my shoulder. And it was what I exactly needed to break from the trance I'm in. I looked up and Aoie was looking at me funny.
"Are you O.K? Bigla ka nalang namutla jan ah"
"May na-recieve lang akong text"
"Eh bakit ka nga biglang namutla?"
"Wala. Kailangan ko lang ng fresh air"
I stepped out of the building and started to walk. As usual, walking helps me think. Helps me re-organize my thoughts back into coherentness.
I felt my left pocket for my lighter but it wasn't there. I must have left it in my office. This sudden need to smoke was brought on by the realization that one of my friends just passed away. A friend, whose passion was to dance his heart out. A friend whose desire was to make other people smile. A friend, who I just promised last week that I'd go and visit but was unable to. A friend who, way back in college, taught me how to "de-stress" by lighting up a cigarette. My friend, Louie.
I sat at my favorite spot in the park. It has become my own little sanctuary where I can reflect and think about almost everything. My own little dream world.
Louie was the type who loves to kid around. He always had a joke with him. And no matter how serious or depressing the mood was, he finds a way to make "things" brighter. It was his personality. It was the Louie that all of De La Salle Performing Arts Group loved and that we'll surely miss..
As I inhale the last puff of my ever dependable cigarette, I made a promise to go and visit Sta. Clara church this Sunday. I will write a prayer for your soul and for mine as well. Maybe soon, if I can no longer contain this depression I've been feeling for weeks now, I might go and "visit" you..
Until then my friend, I'll miss you...
Labels:
Saying goodbye
October 24, 2008
Taking Chances
So, it's "Park Day" for me again. Time to go and visit the place where you simply sat beside me and watched the clouds go by.
Your Ipod in hand, I'll wait. Hoping that I'll see you.
Soon..
Until then, I'll regularly drop by the park and wait..
Again, thank you.
Your Ipod in hand, I'll wait. Hoping that I'll see you.
Soon..
Until then, I'll regularly drop by the park and wait..
Again, thank you.
October 23, 2008
Epiphany
Eyes staring but not seeing, I walked until I accidentally bumped into you. Not minding the interruption, I continued to walk until I got tired. I looked for a place to rest, luckily, I saw a perfect spot where I could lie on my back and reflect. Inattentive to my surrounding, the guy I bumped was looking from afar. Wondering why I look so empty. So desolate.I closed my eyes as I hold back the tears. I thought about bluebirds soaring high to repress the overpowering presence of pain. I imagined myself biting in a sugar-coated doughnut just to alleviate myself from succumbing to despair. But all of the musings and imaginings failed. I still feel the pain. Taste it even.
"Wanna share?", I heard a voice say.
I looked up and saw you. My lips started to open as I was about to say sorry thinking that you followed because you were annoyed. But you cut me off by saying
"No need. I can tell something is bothering you. Mind if I sit beside you?".
I did not respond for I don't know what to say. Again, I closed my eyes and continued my wandering imagination. I was running a list of the things I need to do back at the office trying to ignore the distraction beside me.
"Listen to this. Hope it helps you forget whatever it is that's troubling you", you said.
You handed one of the earphones of your Ipod so I can listen. Enya's Only Time was playing. I strained to understand the lyrics. I listened. And somehow, Enya's voice soothed me. Calmed me. It emptied me from the unfathomable despair I was feeling.
I opened my eyes to check the time. You're gone. I looked around but you were no where to be found. All that's left of your presence was your Ipod and a note in the middle of the impression on the ground right beside me. I picked up the note and it read
"You were sound asleep so I didn't bother to wake you up. At least for a moment there, you're at peace with what pains you. You can give me back the Ipod when we see each other again Ü."
I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. But somehow, it put a smile on my face. Because in a way, I probably am assuming, but we did connect.
Right?
I stood up. Hoping I'd see you and just playing a prank on me. But disappointment creeps-in as my eyes fail to locate you. I brushed my pants off, folded the note, placed the Ipod in my pocket and started to walk again. Before I cross the street, I decided to go somewhere and be merry. I decided to seek solitude in the comforting arms of alcohol.
Now that's a good plan to forget!
I found myself in a bar somewhere in Makati holding a beer in hand as I search the crowd for a familiar face. And since I found none, I thought, "perfect!". At least no one would recognize me in case I get intoxicated. I drank, I'm not sure of the figure, 13 bottles I believe. I drank like there's no tomorrow. People were looking, but I didn't mind them. I just drank and drank and drank until finally, out of exhaustion maybe, I passed out..
I felt someone slightly tapping my cheek. Indeed, I must have passed out because I was still sitting in the same stool. I pulled out my wallet, placed some bills on the counter and left the bar. My head feeling like it was about to explode, I hailed a cab and gone home.
Thinking that sleep can somehow ease the terrible headache, I headed directly towards my bed. Not having the strength to change into a more comfortable outfit, I let gravity pull me down into the warm embrace of the comforter. But as I made contact with my pillow, vile kicked in. I rushed towards the bathroom and let the unwanted taste of vomit surge.
After taking a shower and some pain-killers, I sat at the couch and opened my laptop to check some mails. I did not attempt to get back to sleep in fear that when I close my eyes, the world will start to swirl. Giving me another bout of vomiting.
While checking my emails, I remembered you and the Ipod that you left. I went to my room to go get it and probably download Enya songs as my way of saying thank you. When I turned it on and pressed the play button, another Enya song assailed me. A sweet assailant at that. Amarantine was playing.
Wishful thinking or Coincidence? Either of the two, it made me smile because I have that album. Suddenly it dawned on me, how will I return your Ipod if in the first place, I don't know who you are, where you live, your name, and your number?
I'll take my chances.
Yesterday afternoon, before I went to work, I decided to drop by the park. With hope that you might pass by so I can return your Ipod, I roamed the whole park. There was no "you". It saddened me. Probably because I want to say "thank you" personally.
So until our next meeting, my plan is to drop by the park before going to work. Even if it's my day off, I'll still go to the park.
Wishing, praying, hoping that sooner or later, I will have my chance to say "thank you"...
Labels:
Epiphany,
Looking Forward,
Waiting,
You
October 21, 2008
Wish
A friend once told me that I wish for more than what I deserve. In reality, what I'm wishing for is something that I know will eventually complement what I already have. It's a harsh reality when you know that what you are wishing for is something that might take a lifetime. What's harder is when you know that what you are fervently wishing for can never be, and will never ever be yours for the taking.
Acceptance of that fact came hard for me. Just like how pirates searched for the rainbow's end trying to find the pot of gold that our ancestors' imagination conjured. Like a leaf, wishing for freedom as it's end firmly held by the stem that nourished it until the leaf flourished, but when finally released from captivity brought about by a mere gust of wind, desperately cries for help because it knows that the consequence is for the leaf to wither and die. Then, the dawn of realization will come.
It's a lesson in life that I recently accepted. A lesson that took me a while to decipher the meaning. Thankfully, even though it brought me down on my knees, I learned. Learned that wishing can lead you to distraction. Learned that wishing can appease your fears. Learned that in wishing, life can be more than what we make out of it..
Labels:
Wish
Kath
A face that defies "ageless"...
Many has been written, many has been said, but only a few have captured the true essence of the word......
"BEAUTY"
Catherine Tabon
Mommy Nonette
Ito ang mommy ko sa production floor..
Well, actually mommy sa ng lahat..
Thunders.. Pero may asim pa!! :D
October 20, 2008
I am sorry
Touching the letters that marks the spot where you lay, a drop fell. Not aware that it came from my eye, I pushed it out of the markings. I looked above then closed my eyes.
Another tear-drop fell.
This time, with the realization that it was mine as it rolled down my cheek. Instinct caused my hand to reach for it and wipe the tear away. I looked at the finger that made contact, it glistens with wetness. Upon looking at my finger, I remembered your coaxing words as it used to calm my emotions. Every line, every word, every phrase, every comment, it never fails to pacify the turmoil I'm feeling.
As I stand before the grassy mound where all my fond memories of you rest, I can't help it but to feel remorse. I never meant to be so cold and distant. God know's how much I wanted to reach out and be your friend. But in doing so, it caused you even more pain. I tried and tried, countless of times. But still, I cannot seem to touch you. That's when I decided to stop..
------ ------ ------
You thought I never cared. You thought I never listened. The reality was, I just don't know how to react. How to say "thanks" for all the lessons you've taught me.
Little did I know, the "end" was near..
------ ------ ------
Now I understand why you felt that way. Now I realize the pain that I've caused. It might be too late to say I am sorry, but I will say it anyway..
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry...
Now I stand infront of your grave, pleading for forgiveness..
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry..
Mom.
Another tear-drop fell.
This time, with the realization that it was mine as it rolled down my cheek. Instinct caused my hand to reach for it and wipe the tear away. I looked at the finger that made contact, it glistens with wetness. Upon looking at my finger, I remembered your coaxing words as it used to calm my emotions. Every line, every word, every phrase, every comment, it never fails to pacify the turmoil I'm feeling.
As I stand before the grassy mound where all my fond memories of you rest, I can't help it but to feel remorse. I never meant to be so cold and distant. God know's how much I wanted to reach out and be your friend. But in doing so, it caused you even more pain. I tried and tried, countless of times. But still, I cannot seem to touch you. That's when I decided to stop..
------ ------ ------
You thought I never cared. You thought I never listened. The reality was, I just don't know how to react. How to say "thanks" for all the lessons you've taught me.
Little did I know, the "end" was near..
------ ------ ------
Now I understand why you felt that way. Now I realize the pain that I've caused. It might be too late to say I am sorry, but I will say it anyway..
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry...
Now I stand infront of your grave, pleading for forgiveness..
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry..
Mom.
October 17, 2008
Dandelion
As I ruminate on the things that happened during my existence, I now know how foolish I've been. I do not wish for things to change. For I know that the consequences that I've encountered were direct result of my decisions. Majority of them might not be wise, but at the time I made those, I benefited. Just as the blossom of the dandelions decided to take flight away from it's bud. Scattered by the gentle wind as they frolic in the freedom they think they've accomplished. But after a great fall, tears well up from their tips as they regret fleeing from the protective arms of the mighty dandelion..
Labels:
dandelion
October 16, 2008
Fly Away
I've always been fascinated with Doves. They're the symbolism of women with poise and children free from guile and "cunningness". Regardless of its size and color, Dove's are synonymous to innocence brought about by their existence. Beautifully sculpted wings twice the size of it's body, spreading out, conquering the wind and making it it's subordinate, taking flight as the power of air lifted the Dove way above the clouds.
That's what I want to experience. That's what I want to be..
I have conquered many fears. Just as the Dove conquered it's fear of height in it's early stages of life. And just like a Dove, I am soaring in my aspirations that I wish to fulfill someday. Beyond the realms of sanity, I fly with fervor just to feel the warmth of the people I hold dear. With great passion, I fly away to feel the confines of my emotions. My wings flapping away as I mimic a child emancipated from the loving arms of its mother. Flying, soaring, ascending in an abyssal state of mind..
Someday..
Someday..
Someday..
My freedom will be in it's absolute form.. Just like a Dove..
------
Hope that someday will be soon..
I have conquered many fears. Just as the Dove conquered it's fear of height in it's early stages of life. And just like a Dove, I am soaring in my aspirations that I wish to fulfill someday. Beyond the realms of sanity, I fly with fervor just to feel the warmth of the people I hold dear. With great passion, I fly away to feel the confines of my emotions. My wings flapping away as I mimic a child emancipated from the loving arms of its mother. Flying, soaring, ascending in an abyssal state of mind..
Someday..
Someday..
Someday..
My freedom will be in it's absolute form.. Just like a Dove..
------
Hope that someday will be soon..
Good mood ako!!!!
Good mood ako.. Good mood ako.. Good mood ako...
Since this morning, ito and sinasabi ko. Ito ang chant ng buhay ko for this day. And dapat maging mood ko the whole day. Pero parang imposible! Mantakin mo, yung officemate ko napakahilig magmagaling, bumibida nanaman.
Pagkagising ko, feeling ko ang fresh-fresh ko. Pero simula nung nakita ko siya, nagsimula nang makontra ang "good mood" chant ko. Nung nagkita kami pag dating ko sa office, ang isinalubong sakin, irap.
Walang dating!
Pakialam ko?! Eh 'di umirap siya ng umirap hanggang maduling siya! Wala akong pakialam!
Again, good mood ako! Ulitin pa, good mood ako! Isa pa, good mood ako!
Hindi ko nalang pinansin the whole day. Pero parang nananadya ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Thursday pala ngayon! Meaning, may calibration kami! And wala akong ibang choice kundi makisama since kasama naman talaga siya sa calibration session! Asaaaarrr!
Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
Buti nalang hindi natuloy ang calibration. Nung tinawagan na namin yung client, cancelled daw ang calibration. Sa loob-loob ko, Yihiiiiiii! Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
During lunch break, nagsabi yung isang officemate ko na manglilibre daw siya ng lunch. Itago nalang natin sa pangalang "tangkad". So in-invite si boss. Eh ang sabi naman ni boss, mags-stay nalang daw siya kasi kawawa naman ang mga maiiwan sa floor. Fine! So nagpa-order nalang sila. Pero take note, libre pa din ni tangkad yung food ah. Before kami lumabas ng floor, narinig ni tangkad na may kausap si "officemate". And guess what, ako ang pinagu-usapan! Na kesyo mukha daw tikbalang at kung ano-ano pa! Ang kapal ng mukha!
Hooooops... Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
Pagbalik namin sa floor, binigay na ni tangkad yung food nila boss (kasama si "officemate"). Sa conferrence room sila kumain. 3 sila. Fine. Good mood ako! After nila kumain, unang lumabas si TM. In fairness naman kay TM, nag thank you siya kay tangkad. Nung si boss ang lumabas, nag thank you din. Nung si "officemate" na yung lumabas, pucha dere-derecho ang lakad! Humablot ng tumbler ng isang agent sabay inom ng tubig na laman nung tumbler. Ang kapal ng mukha! Ako yung nahiya para kay tangkad!!!
Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
Towards the end of the shift, iniwasan ko na para nga hindi na masira ang araw ko. Again, magaling manukso ang tadhana! Siyeeeet! Pagsakay ko ng elevator, biglang sumulpot si "officemate" sa pinto! At dalawa lang kami sa loob! From 18th floor hanggang sa ground floor, wala na siyang ibang sinabi kundi "bakit ganyan ang suot mo? Hindi pa naman Friday ah, bakit naka-jeans ka?" "Ganyan ba talaga ang kulay ng damit mo? Parang ang dumi!" Habang sinasabi niya yung mga yun, sa isip-isip ko, "good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!"
Parang ang tagal bumaba ng elevator! Siyeeet! Nung nasa ground foor na, pucha hindi pa bumukas yung pintuan! In short, na-stuck kaming dalawa sa loob! Ang magaling na officemate, hala nagsi-sigaw sa loob! Hindi ba niya naisip na kulob yung boses niya?! Feeling ko nga, nabasag na yung ear-drum ko sa lakas ng sigaw niya! Baka nga may umaagos pang dugo palabas! Siyeeet! Ako naman, nakapikit lang...
Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
Bumukas yung pintuan ng elevator after 35 minutes! Yun na siguro ang pinaka masayang moment ng buhay ko! Yung isiping makakalabas na ako at uuwi na! At hindi ko na siya makikita the rest of the day!
Bahala na bukas sa office pag nakita ko siya ulit! Ah may naisip ako, magpapa-late ako at sa ibang post ako uupo! Yung post na pinakamalayo sa post ni "officemate"! Tama!
Good mood ako! Good mood ako! Good mood ako!
--------
Salamat sa'yo Mommy Nonette at kahit paano
gumagaan ang araw ko sa office
everytime nakikita ko ang napaka-ganda mong bangs!
Hehe! I love you mommy! .. :p
Labels:
bad day,
officemate
October 14, 2008
October 10, 2008
Letting Go..
[An entry in my college journal]
-----
I was at a coffee shop drinking my chocolate frappe away when this guy came in and sat down infront of me.
I thought, “Freak! You’re invading my space!”.
But then I thought, it's better than sitting there all alone with people looking through the glass right at me and thinking I’m a loser or something coz I’m alone.
Suddenly, this guy asked me a question “Why are you sad?”.
Huh? Me? Sad? Am I that transparent that people can see what I’m feeling or thinking? I looked at him without answering his question.
Then he asked another question, “can you not drink your chocolate frappe without seeing her face on it?”
What the…? Who is this guy anyway? Is he the modern prophet or somethin? Still, I just stared at him blankly not answering his questions. Then he said, “you have to move on, you know. Life will not pause for you just because she left you without giving you some reason as to why she left you.” !!!!!!!!!
Then it made me think… Yeah, he’s probably right. But the thing is….
Let me just ask you this question instead…..
Will you let go of something or someone knowing that she is the source of your happiness? I can pretend. But I cannot do it. I can show the world I can survive the “tragedy” of being dumped. But that's the only thing I can do. I can only pretend. Just pretend. It's not that easy letting go of someone especially if you’ve been together for more than 3 years. They can do it in the movies, yes. But not in real life. Because in reality, after the break-up, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life thinking all the what if’s, the what could’ve been's and all the what might have been’s…
Yeah at times you’ll manage a smile or even a laugh, but deep down you’re totaly broken.
Well, at least thats what I’m feeling. Maybe after a couple of lifetimes, I can then move-on. But whose to say when?
And let me just add, it's a choice. The things I said, those were my choices. Why? Just because.
This story has probably bored you to death.
So im goin to stop now.
-----
I was at a coffee shop drinking my chocolate frappe away when this guy came in and sat down infront of me.
I thought, “Freak! You’re invading my space!”.
But then I thought, it's better than sitting there all alone with people looking through the glass right at me and thinking I’m a loser or something coz I’m alone.
Suddenly, this guy asked me a question “Why are you sad?”.
Huh? Me? Sad? Am I that transparent that people can see what I’m feeling or thinking? I looked at him without answering his question.
Then he asked another question, “can you not drink your chocolate frappe without seeing her face on it?”
What the…? Who is this guy anyway? Is he the modern prophet or somethin? Still, I just stared at him blankly not answering his questions. Then he said, “you have to move on, you know. Life will not pause for you just because she left you without giving you some reason as to why she left you.” !!!!!!!!!
Then it made me think… Yeah, he’s probably right. But the thing is….
Let me just ask you this question instead…..
Will you let go of something or someone knowing that she is the source of your happiness? I can pretend. But I cannot do it. I can show the world I can survive the “tragedy” of being dumped. But that's the only thing I can do. I can only pretend. Just pretend. It's not that easy letting go of someone especially if you’ve been together for more than 3 years. They can do it in the movies, yes. But not in real life. Because in reality, after the break-up, you’ll probably spend the rest of your life thinking all the what if’s, the what could’ve been's and all the what might have been’s…
Yeah at times you’ll manage a smile or even a laugh, but deep down you’re totaly broken.
Well, at least thats what I’m feeling. Maybe after a couple of lifetimes, I can then move-on. But whose to say when?
And let me just add, it's a choice. The things I said, those were my choices. Why? Just because.
This story has probably bored you to death.
So im goin to stop now.
Labels:
break-up,
letting go
October 08, 2008
Application..
share ko lng..
nung naghihintay ako tawagin un name ko para sa interview, application for work, may katabi ako na, pag tinignan mo plng, parang ang galing galing na. ang ganda ng suot. at may necktie pa! nilapitan ko. tapos simpleng kwentuhan lang. at ang depotah, ang galing magenglish! nanliit ako! pero keme na. hanggang tawagin un name namin, kasabay ko pa pala sa interview ang hayop. so feeling ko, ndi ako matatanggap kc mas magsh-"shine" xa sa paningin ng interviewer. pag pasok namin dun sa room, taas noo xa. tapos may i "goodmorning" xa dun sa interviewer. so naisip ko, potah dagdag points un for him. so umupo na kami. tumingin un interviewer sakanya. tapos tinanong:
interviewer: so how are you?
michael(un maganda un porma): im perfectly fine and confident.
sa isip ko, tangna parang nasobrahan nmn sa pagka confident!
interviewer: so michael tell me, what are the lessons that you've learned outside the confines of the instituion that you've been in?
michael: i was never institutionalized! for you information, my IQ level is very high!
(tanga! bobo!)
interviewer: no what i meant was, what are the lessons in life that you have gained?
michael: i know that! and i believe in myself! because i used to be a working student!
(ay wow! ang layo ng sagot ni hayuuup!)
interviewer: nevermind (smile). so, how do you see yourself ten years from now?
michael: oh im very very old!
ndi ko napigilan ang sarili ko, potah and lakas ng tawa ko. sobra! natawa na din un interviewer. after nun, ako na un tinanong. and to cut the story short, ako ang natanggap. hahaha. corny ng kwento ko sheeeet! hahaha.
------
I'm not judgemental..
O.K. so I am..
I'm just telling you what happened.. :D
nung naghihintay ako tawagin un name ko para sa interview, application for work, may katabi ako na, pag tinignan mo plng, parang ang galing galing na. ang ganda ng suot. at may necktie pa! nilapitan ko. tapos simpleng kwentuhan lang. at ang depotah, ang galing magenglish! nanliit ako! pero keme na. hanggang tawagin un name namin, kasabay ko pa pala sa interview ang hayop. so feeling ko, ndi ako matatanggap kc mas magsh-"shine" xa sa paningin ng interviewer. pag pasok namin dun sa room, taas noo xa. tapos may i "goodmorning" xa dun sa interviewer. so naisip ko, potah dagdag points un for him. so umupo na kami. tumingin un interviewer sakanya. tapos tinanong:
interviewer: so how are you?
michael(un maganda un porma): im perfectly fine and confident.
sa isip ko, tangna parang nasobrahan nmn sa pagka confident!
interviewer: so michael tell me, what are the lessons that you've learned outside the confines of the instituion that you've been in?
michael: i was never institutionalized! for you information, my IQ level is very high!
(tanga! bobo!)
interviewer: no what i meant was, what are the lessons in life that you have gained?
michael: i know that! and i believe in myself! because i used to be a working student!
(ay wow! ang layo ng sagot ni hayuuup!)
interviewer: nevermind (smile). so, how do you see yourself ten years from now?
michael: oh im very very old!
ndi ko napigilan ang sarili ko, potah and lakas ng tawa ko. sobra! natawa na din un interviewer. after nun, ako na un tinanong. and to cut the story short, ako ang natanggap. hahaha. corny ng kwento ko sheeeet! hahaha.
------
I'm not judgemental..
O.K. so I am..
I'm just telling you what happened.. :D
I miss you.. Ma
[This was an entry in my journal when I was still in college.. Good thing I saved it.. :D]
------
i can't breathe..
the onslaught of memories
keeps tumbling down on me.
i miss you..
terribly!
it's been more than three years since i last saw your heart-shaped face. everytime i miss you, i just close my eyes and i am taken back to your warm embrace. everytime i enter the kitchen, i always remember the aroma of your super special meal cooked just for me.. i miss you.
i remember when you used to rock me off in your lap until i fell asleep. when im cold at night, i go back to the deep recesses of my mind to imagine the pillows as a substitute for your arms hugging me tightly as i try to sleep.. i miss you.
i miss you..
i miss you..
i love you.. Mommy..
------
i can't breathe..
the onslaught of memories
keeps tumbling down on me.
i miss you..
terribly!
it's been more than three years since i last saw your heart-shaped face. everytime i miss you, i just close my eyes and i am taken back to your warm embrace. everytime i enter the kitchen, i always remember the aroma of your super special meal cooked just for me.. i miss you.
i remember when you used to rock me off in your lap until i fell asleep. when im cold at night, i go back to the deep recesses of my mind to imagine the pillows as a substitute for your arms hugging me tightly as i try to sleep.. i miss you.
i miss you..
i miss you..
i love you.. Mommy..
Labels:
missing mom,
Mother
September 22, 2008
What a night..
Share ko lang nangyari last night..
A friend and I ate somewhere in alabang. Ang sarap. Ako yung taya and feeling ko, yung kakainin namin e hindi naman aabot ng 2 thousand. So kain galore kami. 3 rice tapos share na kami dun sa napakasarap na ulam... Salt and Pepper Crab. So yun nga, we ate, we talked, konting lambingan on the side... Hehe. When it was time to leave na, aba pagtingin ko sa bill, 1,899!!!! Whaaaaaat?!
Nagpanic ang lolo mo kasi ang laman nalang ng wallet ko is 1,090. Nahalata yata ni friend so nagvolunteer siya na bayaran yung difference. Nakakahiya talaga. Pero ok lang daw kasi we had fun.
As usual, after dinner, coffee. We ordered cappuccino na tall size. Yung sa friend ko, nilagyan nya ng cinnamon. So nainggit ako. Ayoko na ng cinnamon kasi ginawa na nya. So naisip ko, iba naman sakin.. Nutmeg!
Ang sarap ng amoy! Ang bango! Yung friend ko yung unang tumikim sa coffee nya. Aba nalukot ang mukha nya. Sabi ko, baka ndi lang talaga match ang cinnamon sa cappucccino. When i tasted my coffee, my gosh bigla ko naibuga! Nakakadiri yung taste! Lasang kahoy na inanay! I think muntik pa akong masuka! Nakakadiri talaga yun lasa nya!
To cut the long story short, we ordered again, this time yung cold drink na to wash away the aftertaste of nutmeg sa coffee.
Lessoned learned: do not experiment when it comes to coffee! OK na yung creamer and sugar. Other than that, forget it!
A friend and I ate somewhere in alabang. Ang sarap. Ako yung taya and feeling ko, yung kakainin namin e hindi naman aabot ng 2 thousand. So kain galore kami. 3 rice tapos share na kami dun sa napakasarap na ulam... Salt and Pepper Crab. So yun nga, we ate, we talked, konting lambingan on the side... Hehe. When it was time to leave na, aba pagtingin ko sa bill, 1,899!!!! Whaaaaaat?!
Nagpanic ang lolo mo kasi ang laman nalang ng wallet ko is 1,090. Nahalata yata ni friend so nagvolunteer siya na bayaran yung difference. Nakakahiya talaga. Pero ok lang daw kasi we had fun.
As usual, after dinner, coffee. We ordered cappuccino na tall size. Yung sa friend ko, nilagyan nya ng cinnamon. So nainggit ako. Ayoko na ng cinnamon kasi ginawa na nya. So naisip ko, iba naman sakin.. Nutmeg!
Ang sarap ng amoy! Ang bango! Yung friend ko yung unang tumikim sa coffee nya. Aba nalukot ang mukha nya. Sabi ko, baka ndi lang talaga match ang cinnamon sa cappucccino. When i tasted my coffee, my gosh bigla ko naibuga! Nakakadiri yung taste! Lasang kahoy na inanay! I think muntik pa akong masuka! Nakakadiri talaga yun lasa nya!
To cut the long story short, we ordered again, this time yung cold drink na to wash away the aftertaste of nutmeg sa coffee.
Lessoned learned: do not experiment when it comes to coffee! OK na yung creamer and sugar. Other than that, forget it!
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