Happy Kaarawan

November 5 - Araw namin ni Elmo. And instead of celebrating, we were arguing. Ang reason, shoutout ko sa facebook.

It started last Sunday nung pauwi na kami. Dapat a week before, papanuorin namin yung Paranormal Activity sa internet. Pero hindi natuloy kasi mabagal yung internet connection. Tapos that Sunday, sabi nya napanood na daw nya yung movie with a friend. Aba at kinukwento pa sa akin kung anong nangyari. Nainis ako kasi dapat kami yung manonood nun. Hindi ko na lang sinabi na na-disappoint ako sa kanya kasi wala lang naman yun.

The other night, nasa NRT siya for his regular flight, nung pinost ko sa facebook na na-disappoint ako kasi nga hindi ko napanood yung movie na kasama siya. Pero si Elmo, napanood na. Pano ba naman, lahat na lang yata ng friends ko sa facebook e wala nang ibang pinagusapan kundi yung Paranormal Activity. Inshort, nabasa ni Elmo yung sinabi ko. Sabi nya issue pala yung nangyari. Ang suggestion nya sa akin, manood daw ako ng movie na hindi siya kasama para makaganti daw ako.

That's not the point!

Alam nya na gusto ko panoorin yung movie tapos malalaman ko na lang na napanood na pala nya. Siguro nga mababaw ako pero na-disappoint talaga ako. Tapos magsu-suggest pa na gumanti na lang daw ako para quits. Anong suggestion yun?! That's stupid!

Sa relationship, wala dapat gantihan. And hindi dapat iniisip ang gumanti 'coz' that's wrong. Well, sa tingin ko lang naman.

Iniwan kong naka-online yung facebook and YM ko para i-message nya ako or batiin since araw namin kahapon. Pero lumubog na ang araw, ni hindi man lang nagparamdam sa akin. Constant ko chine-check kung online siya or idle, pero naghintay lang ako sa wala.

Nag-message siya sa akin around 10pm na yata yun. Tapos away ulit over YM. Haay. Nakakapagod na. Inaamin ko ang babaw. Pero para sa akin, it's those tiny little things that makes me happy. The thoughtfulness. Ako kasi, before I do anything, iniisip ko muna siya. Kung gugustuhin ba nya na kasama ko siya or not. Gusto ko kasi, lagi ko siya kasama kahit gaano pa ka-minute yung gagawin. I guess because I love Elmo more.

Ang nangyayaari, I am getting dependent kay Elmo. Parang I can't do anything without Elmo. Tapos siya, super independent. Elmo can do whatever Elmo wants. Ang hirap. Feeling ko tuloy, parang nasasakal ko na siya. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko na alam yung gagawin ko.

From now on, I'll try to be more independent. I can't be like this. Hindi ako gaganti because that is just wrong. Pero as much as possible, uunahin ko na muna ang sarili ko more than anybody else.

Sira ang Plano!!!

Kala ko maa-avail ko na yung CTO (Compensatory Time Off) bukas since pumasok ako sa office last Monday, Nov 2. By the way, lahat ng officers merong CTO pag may holiday pero pumasok pa din sa office. Well, wala naman talagang holiday ang nagt-trabaho sa call center. But the end result, hindi ako pinayagan ng boss ko.

Ang mga reasons:

1. May call ang cliente mamayang gabi at maapektuhan daw ang "Developmental Plan" ko! Eh pakshet! Sino ba may gusto ng Developmental Plan na wala namang nangyayari?! Nagka-issue na ako before sa ex-boss ko dahil sa pesteng Developmental Plan na yan! Tapos ngayon ganun nanaman ang issue! Haay! Nakakasawa na! Naisip ko tuloy, is history repeating itself? Naks!

2. Forecasted na mainit ang ulo ng Amerikanang trainor dahil may conference call daw sila at madidiin siya! Ang tanong... Ano naman ang kinalaman ko dun?! Ako ba ang mage-escalate?! Ako ba ang involved party?! Pucha talaga!

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Ang hirap iwasan sa office ang kung ano-anong issue kahit wala naman talaga dapat. And kahit gaano ka pa kagaling umiwas sa mga issue, it will eventually find you! I can say I've been in the industry long enough to know that people do get promoted not because of what they know. But because of the people they do know...

To top it all off, since akala ko makakapag-leave na ako tomorrow, nagpa-set na ako ng Radiation session tomorrow sa Makati Medical Center para sa sakit ko. Nakapag bayad na din ako ng Brachytherapy fee. I can't pretty much call my doctor and say, Doc hindi na lang pala ako magpapa-radiation tomorrow. Eh super laking favor na nga ang ginawa nya kasi isiningit nya ako sa lists of patients. Haay.Nararamdaman ko tuloy na bukas, baka bigla na lang bumula ang bibig ko at may mga lumabas na mga words na hindi dapat lumabas.

Well, let's see...

Ang Stalker

I think I might have gotten a stalker! Nyeeeek!

Ever since lumipat kami ng office dito sa Cubao, nag-decide akong magstay na lang muna sa Eurotel sa tapat ng Gateway Mall. Kahit masakit sa bulsa, kailangan magtiis habang wala pa akong nahahanap na pwede kong i-rent na apartment or kahit room. Infairness, free ang WiFi. Tapos may libre pang shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste and suklay! May collection na nga ako ng suklay eh!

Anyway, last Thursday, inassign nila ako sa 2nd floor. E pucha walang Wifi sa 2nd floor! So nagpalipat ako sa 5th floor.

"Sir may discount card po ba kayo?" tanong sa akin nung nag-assist. Tawagin na lang natin syang Assistant!

"Ay wala po. Saan ba ako pwede kumuha?" tanong ko.

"Sige sir bibigyan na lang kita mamaya pag out ko. 'Wag na lang po kayong maingay kasi bawal yun." Sabi ni Assistant.

"Ah ganun ba? Sige OK po." sagot ko naman.

Maya-maya lang, nagring yung phone sa loob ng kwarto sa 5th floor. 'Pag sagot ko, si Assistant pala!

"Sir out ko na po. Ida-daan ko na lang po jan yung discount card."

"OK po."

**door-bell**

Binuksan ko ang pinto at nasa labas si Assistant!

"Ito na po yung discount card." Smile..

"Salamat ah" sabi ko.

"Ok lang po sir. Kung may kailangan po kayo, nasa kabilang room lang po ako. Ano po pala number nyo?" tanong ni Assistant.

Kahit hindi ako sigurado kung bakit nya kinukuha yung number ko, binigay ko na rin. Inisip ko, baka bigyan ako ng mas malaking discount!

"Sige sir text-text na lang!"

"Ha? Ahh OK" naiilang kong sagot.

Sinara ko na ang pinto at nag internet na.

Maya-maya, tumunog ang phone ko...

"Hi Sir! Ako po si Assistant. Dito lang po ako sa kabilang room nagpapahinga. Kung may gusto po kayo, i-text nyo lang po ako." sabi sa text message.

"Ah wala na. OK na ako dito sa room. Naka-connect na ako sa internet. Salamat ulit sa discount card ah." reply ko.

"Wala po yun sir. Um.. sir, gusto nyo po puntahan ko kayo jan sa room nyo?" reply nya.

"Ha? Bakit? Teka lang, extra service ba yan? Hehe joke lang po." reply ko.

"Gusto nyo po ba?" sagot nya.

Hala! Si Assistant nage-extra service pala!

"Um.. Assistant, next time na lang po. Pagod na kasi ako tsaka maaga pa po work ko bukas." reply ko.

"Sige sir kahit sa ibang araw na lang." sagot ulit nya.

Kala ko tapos na. Ang akala ko, hindi na magt-text ulit. Aba hindi pala! Pinapa-ring pa ang phone ko! Adik yata tong si Assistant eh!

----

Kinabukasan, sinabi ko ang nangyari kay Toni, kasama ko sa trabaho. Tawa lang siya ng tawa. Por dat, sabi ko i-try nya! Aba at kinuha naman ni gago ang number. And nagt-text na din sa kanya!

Hindi ko na tinext si Assistant since umalis ako dun sa Eurotel. Pero ang baliw, pa-ring ng pa-ring sa phone ko! Buti na lang hindi nagt-text. Tinanong ko si Toni kung tine-text pa siya. Hindi na daw. Hindi na din daw nirereplyan si Toni.

Eh bakit pa-ring ng pa-ring sa phone ko?! Tsk tsk tsk!

Iniisip ko tuloy mag iba na ng number. Pero hindi din. For sure naman magsasawa yan!

The Not So Good News

The depression is creeping back in...

I just came back from the hospital and somehow, the news that my doctor said was quite disappointing. I was hoping for a positive news when I went to see him earlier this morning. As it turned out, it was not what I was wanting to hear.

I was feeling a bit nauseated these past few weeks. Probably because I haven't been taking my medicines lately. And that's the reason why I went to the hospital earlier.

After waiting for at least 30 minutes at the lobby, my name was finally called. And so I went inside the doctors office. When I saw his face, I kind of knew what was about to come. I guess because I already know my doctor well enough for me to tell if he's about to say something good or bad. But still, I waited. I did not let his expression deter my hope. Until he said...

"I'll be honest with you. Although you might look healthy, things are not going as planned. Yes you're gaining weight, but it doesn't necessarily follow that your cancer cells are decreasing in numbers. Now, we have to look at the option of having an External Beam Radiation."

That's when my hope crumbled. That's when I started to tremble. I knew my lapses when it came to taking my medicines regularly. It was my fault. And now, I felt like I'm starting all over again.

I know what I have to do. But I guess, if you're facing a battle that seems pointless, one ends up not caring at all...

I am tired. I've been fighting this battle for more than 5 months now. And I am nowhere near the finish line. I just hope I have the strength to see this battle to the end. With my spirit, soul and hope intact.

I deserve a prize

After a very stressful day at work, I decided to go to La Quinta Hotel by Marriot and attend their Open House just to check the place out. When I arrived, I was ushered in the receptions area where I was greeted by the front desk people. They took my name and gave me this card to be signed by the attending hotel staff in every station indicated in front of the card. And so I went and checked out their hotel and all.

The last stop was at the pool side. But before one can enter, you must fill out the back portion of the card and drop it on those tiny baskets. There was a Mexican band playing and some caterers with their mouth-watering food. I engaged in small talks with the other guests while chewing on this brisket and a cup of margarita in hand. The margarita was heaven!

At the end of the whole event, there was a raffle draw. 3rd prize winner will get a night's stay at the same Hotel and free use of their facility, 2nd prize winner will get an Ipod Shuffle version 3 and the grand prize winner will get a plasma TV. I was not really expecting for my name to be called out since I've never been lucky enough to win any raffle draws. So I ate and ate and ate some more. Until the person beside me screamed! I looked at her and she said I won. I looked at her strangely because she knew my name. Then I remembered that I was also wearing their ID card. I went on stage and verified if I indeed won. The name that I wrote down at the back portion of the card was Tofi. While the name that was displayed as Marc Fernando.

I was like :OMG"! I indeed won. I was hoping for the plasma TV but I won an Ipod shuffle instead. Not bad for a start!

The Filipino Craving

Yesterday morning I decided to eat in a Filipino restaurant because I've been craving for some Sinigang and Kare-Kare. The problem is, I don't know where to find one. So what I did, I drove along Pat Booker Rd. I was not disappointed because I saw Mekeni Restaurant.

I went inside and looked at their menu. WOW! There was Sinigang and Kare-Kere! Perfect! I soo loved it! I was not disappointed because their viands are good. Well, not as good as my Mom's cooking but, it quenched my craving for some Filipino food.

Now I know, if I need a Filipino dish to satisfy my appetite, I just have to drive 15 miles to eat some. Yummy!

Isa Akong Pilipino

Kagabi, naisipan kong lumabas ng kwarto at magikot-ikot. Bitbit ang aking camera, tinungo ko ang Wall Mart. Hindi naman kalayuan ang naturang pamilihan kaya nilakad ko na lang.

Piktyur dito, piktyur doon.

Nang makarating ako sa Wall Mart, naisipan kong manigarilyo muna. Alam kong bawal dahil sa sakit ko, pero tila nauuhaw ang aking baga. Pagkasindi ko ng sigarilo, biglang may humintong sasakyan sa gilid ko. Hindi ko na tinignan dahil inisip ko, baka may bababa lang at mamimili sa loob. Nagpatuloy ako sa aking paglalakad ngunit mga ilang hakbang pa lamang ang aking nagagawa, biglang umalingawngaw ang tunog ng isang pito...

Nilingon ko to. May papalapit sa akin. Isang pulis.

"What are you doing out so late?" sabi ng pulis.

"Nothing much. Just walkin' around the block." sagot ko.

"You can't do that here." paninita ng pulis sa paninigarilyo ko.

"And why is that?" balik ko.

"Because you're Asian. If I'm not mistaken, you're a Filipino, right?"

"That's your reason why I cannot smoke here?" tanong ko.

"Yeah! Got a problem with that, chink?"

Nag pantig ang tenga ko sa sinabi nya. Chink? Eh hindi naman ako intsik ah! Bobo!

"Did you just call me chink? I'm not even Chinese! Stupid! And I've never heard of a police officer forbidding someone to smoke just because he's Asian! That's discrimination! May I have your name?" sabay piktyur sa mukha ng pulis!

Tila nagulat ang pulis sa ginawa kong pagkuha ng litrato sa kanya.

"Give me that!" sabi ng pulis.

"This is mine!" sagot ko.

"I'll count to three buster and if you don't hand that over, I will be forced to take that forcefully from you!" pananakot ng pulis.

"Try to do that and I'll report you for discrimination!" sabat ko.

Napahinto ang pilus sa sinabi ko. Parang biglang napaisip.

Ano naman kaya ang nagawa ko para mapahinto ang pulis ng ganun? Na ire-report ko siya? Hindi yata. Tsaka ko naalala, na ang mga Puti, takot sa salitang discrimination. Dahil punishable pala dito yun. Discriminasyon. Malawak na salitang nagdudulot ng takot sa karamihan ng Amerikano.

Pagkakataon ko na para "durugin" ang Kano.

"I'll repeat, I'll report you for Discrimination!" ulit ko.

"Hold on one moment. I was merely trying to tell you that you cannot smoke here" tila takot na sagot ng pulis.

"Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah! You said earlier that I cannot smoke here because I was Asian!"

"Look sir, I was just pointing out to you that the smoking are is right over there" sabay turo sa may bandang basurahan.

-----

Bakit ba may mga taong hindi matanggap na kayang lakaran ng ibang tao ang bansa nila? Kung makaasta, kala mo nabili na nila ang lahat ng daanan. Ang ayoko pa naman sa lahat, eh ang mababang pagtingin sa lahi natin. Sa Lahi ko! Isa akong Pilipino. Taas noo kong ipagsisigawan na isa akong Pilipino. Kahit pa sabihing nagta-trabaho ako sa isang banyagang kumpanya, Pilipino pa din ako! Matapang, Walang inaatrasan. Ipaglalaban kung ano ang tama.

At kahit baliktarin pa natin ang mundo, mananatili akong Pilipino... Sa Isip, Sa Salita, Sa Gawa...

Party!!!

I just got home from partying at some bars downtown. I'm telling you, the strip clubs here are WILD! Totally wild! I'm telling you, they are wild! The strippers are really really HOT! Too bad i didn't brought my camera. I could have taken some pictures of those those damn strippers! Next time, I will definitely bring it!

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I'm drunk! I think I've had too many cranberry vodka tonight!

Shopping Spree!!

I went to Best Buy earlier and I can't help it but go loco over their stuffs! It's really really cheap!

So I was looking at their mobile phones when, from my peripheral vision, I saw these Digital SLR Cameras! I didn't bring mine because I thought it would be an inconvenience, but boy was I wrong! I should have brought my camera along so I can take pictures of their gadgets! I'm just not sure if it's allowed inside the store. Anyway, I felt like those cameras were calling me! I went over and, lo and behold, this Cannon camera was talking to me! It said "Hold me! Try to take some pictures using me and maybe you'll like me! Go ahead! Don't be shy!"

I was mesmerized by it's beauty! I went over and picked it up slowly. I felt like a child licking his very first lollipop! I cannot possibly let this camera go!

To cut the long story short, I spent like the entire day gushing over the darn camera. When I placed it back down, it was crying! And I am way too kind to let a camera cry. Without thinking, I approached the saleslady and said "I'm not letting her go! I'm going to buy that camera and take care of her.. Forever!"

I ended up buying the camera.. I already have one back home but I cannot simply let this opportunity go! I spent $600 for the camera. Haay. But it was all worth it.

Now that I'm thinking about it, between the camera instead of buying a new laptop, I don't really care. I can go back to Best Buy next weekend and.. I don't know.. Look around for some cheap laptop.. I hope..

Turning Point

I'm here in San Antonio, Texas waiting for a call from my doctor. I've already made arrangements about my medication and treatment. I just hope after all this hassle, everything will turn out fine. I no longer care if people knew about my condition or not, I just want to overcome this hellhole! I think I've suffered enough for me to let this Cancer take the life out of me. I will start living my life the way I want to live it. I won't let this disease dictate my actions nor decisions! It's time be free! It's about time for me to live again. I will resurrect the old me!

The Power of Tears

Earlier today, I had this urge to go out of the house. I don't know where, but I want to go out. I felt like I'm a prisoner in my own world. I couldn't breathe! I need some air!

While walking, a man stepped up to me and said, "Are you OK? Because you're quite pale." Without thinking, I answered "Of course, I've Cancer!" The guy stepped back looking like he was about to run. Then I thought, is this how it will be from now on? Every time people became aware of my condition, they'll just run away? Stupid! For people who are not informed of how and what Cancer is, they'll forever be ignorant. Cancer is not contagious like some might think. It cannot be acquired by mere handshake!

I didn't know where I was until I stumbled on a rectangular granite. I was on my mother's grave. After the realization, I went down on my knees and sobbed. It's been a while since I last visited my Mom. Knowing that where she lies is just half an hour of walk away from my house. I cried... I was emptying myself from the chaos that's been haunting me since I learned what I have. And it helped. It somehow alleviated the turmoil within. It freed me, even for just an hour or two.

Indeed, the power of crying cannot be underestimated. The famous line that says "boys don't cry" is a fallacy. Now I'd say, real boys do let their emotions take control of them. Even if it means shedding a teardrop...

I am not yet a Survivor... But I will be.. Soon..

- - - - -

I just got back from the hospital. It was OK for the most part. Not bad news, but not a good one either. I thought after the last chemo session I had, the next session would be next month. Guess I was wrong. I have to do radiation this weekend. The question is, how? I'll be flying to San Antonio, TX this Thursday. I asked around and they told me that radiation session in San Antonio costs roughly around $500! Whew! That's a lot! I have to think of an alternative! Fast!

Masaya ako...

**Masaya ako! Masaya ako! Masaya ako!**

'Yan ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko simula kaninang umaga pagkagising ko. Isang orasyon na kailangan ulit-ulitin para maisakatuparan. Isang dasal na walang katiyakan kung magiging katotohanan.

Madami-dami na din akong "laban" na nalampasan. Pero wala na yatang mas titindi sa laban na hinaharap ko ngayon. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong gusong ikwento. Ang problema, wala akong malapitan kahit isa. Kahit kapatid ko ay hindi ko makausap. Tanggap ko ang sakit na dahan-dahang gumugupo sa akin. Tanggap ko din na walang katiyakan kung gagaling pa ako.

Ilang beses na akong nagpunta sa Quiapo, Baclaran at Santa Clara upang manalangin at humingi ng tulong. At tila, hanggang ngayon, hindi pa nakakarating sa kanila ang mga hiniling ko. Marahil, mas madami ang nangangailangan ng tulong nila sa ngayon. Handa naman ako maghintay. Pero hanggang kailan?

Hindi ko kinukwestiyon ang aking pananampalataya. Dahil alam ko, tanging ang May Kapal lamang ang makapagsasabi kung ano ang hinaharap ko. Kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

**Masaya ako! Masaya ako! Masaya ako!**

Ang napipintong pag-alis

I went to the US embassy earlier to have my Visa renewed. No hassle there. All I need to do now is find an airline ticket that's just right for my budget.. Hmm.. I wonder if Northwest service is better than Philippine Airlines...

my plan

Tomorrow I have to go see my travel agent. I think it would be better if I seek treatment somewhere else...

The Harsh Reality

I can now see and feel that my sessions are taking a toll on my body. The last time I stepped on a weighing scale, I weighed 158lbs. Earlier, I braved the fear of looking sick so I decided to have myself weighed. I was shocked! I lost 16 pounds! So I went upstairs, removed all my clothing, and faced the inevitable. The mirror. Darn! I'm getting skinny!

I thought I was on my way to recovery because I've already had 3 radiation sessions and 2 chemotherapy sessions. Then, I had 18 lumps. After the first session, 3 lumps were dissolved. And last week, 5 more. So now, I only have 10 lumps. But why am I losing weight?

As I looked closely in the mirror, I felt like I was looking at someone else's reflection. Shoulders slumped forward, collar bone showing, some of the upper ribs are showing as well and cheeks looking like a balloon pricked with a needle. But what caught my attention the most, were those eyes...

They were looking back at me but not really seeing. It looked like those pair of eyes were... Haunted.

That's when it hit me! Majority of my friends are not even aware of my condition. And I'm not telling them that I've got Cancer because.. I don't know.. Just because! My plan was to inform them after I've recovered. But the reflection in front of me cannot deny the fact that he is suffering. That I am suffering. Badly.

I need a makeover! I need to, somehow, hide all the signs that I'm not feeling well...

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I guess it's time to say "hello Revlon" or "hello Ever Bilena"...

Thoughts

I haven't visited my blog site lately. It's not that I don't have the time. It's just that, I don't feel like sharing what I'm undergoing these past few weeks. Some might say I'm overreacting. And maybe I am. But it's who I am and how I deal with things..

Recently, a friend of mine passed away. He was my mentor, my choreographer and my friend. We used to call him "Kuya Mhon". He was always smiling and laughing and cheering everybody up. He was the life of the party.

I was browsing over a magazine when I heard the news of his passing. I was stunned. The last I heard of him, he was on his was to recovery. So it was really really unexpected. As much as I'd like to go and attend the funeral, I can't. My condolence and prayers goes out to him and his family.

After the mourning stage, it got me thinking.. If Kuya Mhon, the ever popular "energizer" was not able to overcome what he had, what about me and my sickness? I know it's far too different, but I can't prevent the fear that's slowly taking a hold of me. I wish I can simply shake it off, but I can't. Now, I'm really afraid of what might happen.

Tik Tak Tik Tak

Zombie.. That's what I am. At least that's what I think I am..

I wake up every morning yet I do not see the sunshine that majority seems to enjoy. I cannot seem to find the meaning of preparing to start a new day with much joy and enthusiasm. I cannot find the meaning of surviving and living free.

My life crashed so bad that I think I already unlearned the art of smiling.

I used to have big dreams. I used to have hope. I used to have faith. And that is just the fucking problem! All that were a part of the "used to" now. So much have changed! All because of this illness!

Now I'm wondering if I can still hope. Probably because I'm afraid to do just that.

I feel like I'm a prisoner. I cannot do this, I cannot eat that...

If this is what it will be like from now on, might as well give up the fight. I am tired. So tired. I'm wishing all of this to stop. I wish everything to just simply end. I wish life is as easy as that. If you're tired and wanting things to just end, you'll simply click the eject button and go directly to heaven. If there really is heaven...

...

I wish I can say I'm O.K. But I'm not. And I don't think I will be, until I'm finally "free" from this bullshit I'm currently facing...

First Session...

Had my first Chemo session the other day. Man, it was draining! After the session, I felt so exhausted and tired and weak. I felt like vomiting the entire trip home. Thankfully I was able to hold it in. Until I got to my bathroom, that is.

Earlier I felt something strange. I can't quite explain it but something weird is happening. I've no bruise or anything, I just felt sore. Super sore! There is something wrong and I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Guess I have to go see my doctor again...

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I can do this! I will win over this hell-hole!

Freedom

Free me! Emancipate me from this hell-hole! I will fight! I will not stumble and fall! I will not let this illness dictate my thoughts and actions! I will not go down without a fight! It will be difficult, and at times I may think of just quitting, but I will succeed! I will conquer this sickness! And I will live to tell the world how I survived! I will be OK. Free me!

Numb

I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I don't want to... Live..

I just want thing to end... Now...

Diagnosis

I haven't been feeling well for over a couple of months now. Earlier, I went to see my doctor and had myself checked...

I've had an Orchitis twice. And I'm telling you, it was PAINFULLLLLLL as hell!!!!! I thought I was cleared from it. Indeed, I am cleared from Orchitis. Because now, it might sound crazy, but I have a Cancer. Prostate Cancer, that is. Stage 1. The doctor said I was lucky because we've discovered it at an early stage. Question, should I really consider myself lucky? Such an irony! I thought only older men can have it. Guess I'm wrong...

After the "news" of what I have, I don't know where to go or what to do next. Yes, I will now have "sessions" with my doctor but still, the emotional impact of hearing Cancer is just way too devastating for me...

I can't breathe! I need help! What if it's too late? I might sound like I'm overreacting, but what am I supposed to do?! Take it lightly? Smile and say I'm going to be okay? Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do this anymore! I can no longer pretend that things are working out when in reality, things are falling apart. I can't stand myself all smiles when all I want to do is just breakdown and cry. This is not how I planned things. This is not how it's supposed to be..

Sana...

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Warbird: Malate daw tayo nila O and Rain
Macoy: Sige. Saan ko kayo pupuntahan?
Warbird: Kita nalang tayo sa kanto ng Nakpil. 'Dun sa may PNB.
Macoy: What time?
Warbird: 11:00 pm.
Macoy: O.K. Ligo na ako.

***toot toot -- toot toot***

Macoy: San na kayo?
Warbird: Dito na sa loob ng bar.
Macoy: Sige punta na ako. Sumama si Mr. Ipod. O.K. lang ba?
Warbird: Fine.

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Warbird: Bakit mo sinama si Mr. Ipod?
Macoy: Baka daw may gawin ako. Kaya ayun, binabantayan ako.
Warbird: Ang sweet!
Macoy: Is it?
Warbird: Bakit naman hindi?
Macoy: Wala lang. I guess, iba ang interpretation ko.
Warbird: Meaning?
Macoy: Basta.

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Trust me! 'Pag ikaw aalis or lalabas with your friends, hindi ka nagpapaalam sa'kin. Iinform mo ako 'pag nasa place ka na or on the way ka na. And since I trust you, na wala kang gagawing kagaguhan, hinahayaan kita. Pero 'pag ako, bawal lumabas mag-isa, bawal sumama sa mga kaibigan, bawal makipag usap sa hindi ko kilala, bawal tignan ang phone unless ikaw ang unang magbabasa ng text message. Oo nung una ang sweet. Pero sobra na.

Ilang beses ko kailangan sabihin na hindi ako magloloko. Alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng nagago kaya hinding-hindi ko gagawin yun. At hindi pa ako nanggago o nangloko ng ibang tao. Kung naniniwala ka sa mga sinasabi ko, bibigyan mo ako ng oras para sa sarili ko at para magawa ang ibang bagay na guto kong gawin...

An Unwilling Subject 2

So... This is the other pic that my friend took... I know I don't have the physique, but who cares anyway? Right? Plus, I'm helping a friend here! Hehe.

Zombie 101

This is slavery!!! I've been working for 43.5 hours now. Straight! I haven't gone home to take a shower nor change clothes! But I must say, I'm still doing good. Productive as can be. Hehe. Now that's what you call bragging! Hahaha. My boss aka "slave driver" thought that if I stayed here and work my ass off, I can go on leave for at least a month! And I grabbed it! I mean, a month of fun and leisure would be nice! Very nice! Hehe. That's whats keeping me going! I bet I can extend another 24 hours!

But then again, where would I go? I've been wondering about the majestic beaches in Guam. Or probably spend the days off in Thailand. Indonesia maybe? Hmm...

First, I have to finish all these freaking reports so I can go! Boy would I love to spend an entire day in a bath tub!

Care to join me? Hehe. Just kidding! But I'd really enjoy that! I'm pretty sure I can fall asleep while enjoying a bubble bath!

An Unwilling Subject

Last night, a friend of mine asked me a favor. He's into photography at the moment and he wants to use me as a subject. I thought, I once wanted to become a model so why not "try" it. The "scene's" running through my head was the typical "me-looking-at-the-camera-with-a-smile" pose. The "pa cute" type. A far cry from my very ordinary looks. Anyways, we came into this "studio" where there are umbrellas and stuffs. I don't know what they're called although I took a basic course in Photography back in college. I was a little surprised when I saw an unmade bed in the middle of the "stage". Excuse my term for I really know nothing about photography.

But what took me aback was when my friend asked me to strip all my clothes off! Before I could even utter a word, he said "Look, sex sells. I can't afford to hire a model! Now, if you think that my would-be shots are tasteless, fine! I'm not going to open up this studio!"....

What I can't stand the most are people who loves overdoing the dramatics. Even if I belong to that group, doesn't mean I like my "kind". I know if I don't "pose" a la nude, I'll never hear the end of it. And I bet he'll make sure that I never forget it! ...

Here's a sample of the "session" we've had..




And to be clear, I dont't have a buff bod nor trying to have one... I simply wasn't breathing during the shoot. Now what can you say? Not about the subject though. Look at the pic as a whole. Is it tasteless? You think my friend should give up photography? ÜÜÜ

Paalam Kaibigan

** tok tok tok **

Asar! Ang sarap-sarap ng tulog ko tapos biglang may kakatok! Bad trip!

** tok tok tok **

"Sandali lang! Babangon na!"

** tok tok tok **

Aba mas malakas ang katok ng kung sino man ang nasa labas ng pinto!

"Ito na nga eh! Sandali lang!"

Binuksan ko ang pinto..

"Kuya! Si Gulda (Golda) patay na!"

Natigilan ako. Ang pinakamamahal kong si Golda, pumanaw na! Si Golda na walang malay. Si Golda na ang alam lang gawin sa buhay e lumangoy sa kanyang mumunting aquarium. Si Golda na hindi ko nabigyan ng sapat na atensiyon. Dali-dali akong nagtapis ng twalya at binuksan ang pinto. Hindi ko na pinansin si Inday na nakatayo sa labas ng aking pintuan na may hawak pang sandok. Pumunta ako sa sala kung saan nakalagay ang aquarium ni Golda..

"Inday! Inday! Inday! Nasaan na si Golda?!"

"Eh di binigay ku na kay Mena" (Mina). Si Mina ang pusang gala na piniling manirahan sa pad ko.

"Ha?! Pinakain mo si Golda kay Mina?! Bakit?!" Naglalabasn na ang mga ugat ko sa leeg habang tinatanong si Inday.

"Eh anu naman ang gagawin ku sa guldpis? Ip-pritu ku?! Kuya hindi yata masarap 'yun"

Kung hindi lang masama pumatay ng tao, malang pinaglalamayan na ngayon si Inday!

Hindi ko na sinagot ang napaka galing kong kasama sa bahay. Bumalik ako sa kwarto at nagibhis. Kailangan kong magluksa! Kailangan kong bigyan ng respeto ang pagpanaw ng pinakamamahal kong si Golda...

Sa park ako nagpunta. Sa park ko ipagluluksa ang pagkamatay ni Golda. Hawak ang mga pinagpipitas kong mga bulaklak, nilagay ko ang mga ito sa ilalim ng puno na lagi kong tinatambayan. Haay. Wala na si Golda.

Nagpunta ako sa isang pet shop para tumingin ng mga isda na pwede kong ipalit kay Golda. Pero iba pa din si Golda. Oo madami siyang kamukha, pero nagiisa lang si Golda.

Bumili ako ng isang pares ng Goldfish. Naisip ko, siguro hindi sila malulungkot kasi magkasama sila. Hindi katulad ni Golda na magisa lang. Ano naman kaya ang ipapangalan ko sa mga bago kong isda? Golda Junior? Golda II? Hmm..

Loise and Clark! Tama. Tandem silang dalawa! Si Loise nalang yung mas malaki ang mata. Tapos si Clark naman yung mas malaki ang ulo. Hehe. Perfect!

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Si kontrabidang Inday, sabi sa akin pag uwi ko ng bahay..

"Kuya sana Tilapya nalang ang binili nyo. O Bangus kaya. Para 'pag namatay, pwede pa natin ulamin!"

Gustuhin ko mang magalit kay Inday dahil pinakain 'nya si Golda kay Mina, natawa nalang ako.

Iba ka talaga Inday!

Dream

Head throbbing like hell and sweat trickling down the side of my face, I walked back to my pad. Everything is going crazy! Twisting and turning like they're not going to stop. I can feel my stomach turning upside down.

I can't throw up now! Not when there's like over a hundred people around me!

I looked over to my right, safe. Over to my left, safe. No! Not safe! I don't feel like it's safe. Not unless there's another soul who'll cross the street. So when a car or a bus come rushing around, it wouldn't hit me!

Nice thought! Anyway, while waiting for another person to cross the busy street, I'll sit right here in the gutter... One, Two, Three, Four, Five... Knockout! I was unconscious.

I opened my eyes and there you were. Arms wide open, eyes staring and lips smiling. I can't see your whole profile though, because there's a light emanating behind you.

I tried to call you but decided not to. We're ten steps apart. And even if I did, you wouldn't hear me. A cab stopped in front of me. I shooed him away since he's blocking you from me. When the cab moved forward, you're gone as well. Where did you go? You can't simply vanish into thin air.

I blinked, you're still not there. Wait! Someones calling my name! Could it be you? How? I closed my eyes. Squished 'em even. When I opened my eyes, I was in my room...

It was just a dream. But boy would I love to get back to that dream! I want to understand what happened. I want to know why was my head throbbing like crazy. I want to know who you are. I want to know why were you looking at me that way. I want to know why were you reaching for me. I wonder who you are. Hmm..

Totoo Ba?

Sabi nila, pag nagmahal ka daw, dapat yung buong-buo. Dapat yung walang itinatago. 'Yung walang pagdududa.

E paano kung napaka dami mong nakikitang dahilan para magduda? Pilitin mo mang sabihin sa sarili mo na walang ginagawang kakaiba ang partner mo, e alam mo sa sarili mo na meron naman. Itatanggi mo na makati ang jowa mo, pero sa loob-loob mo, minumura mo na siya ng palihim!

Napaka komplikado ng pag-big! Napaka hirap intindihin. Kung kailan nararamdaman mo nang mahal mo na siya, at saka mo naman mapapansin ang mga kakaibang bagay na ginagawa niya. Hindi mo alam kung sinasadya ba niya o tanga lang siya!

Ipapahawak sayo ang telepono, pero puro pakikipaglandian ang laman ng inbaks. Mga kung kani-kaninong pangalan at iskrin name ang naka-save sa drafts. Lintek na yan! Gaguhan ba?! Pero pag hindi naman kayo magkasama, nakakatunaw kung mag text sa sobrang lambing.

Punyetang pag-ibig yan!!!

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Hindi naman ako bitter... Ü

Stranded

I miss you Mom. So much! If I can give anything just to see you again, I'd give the world! I need you. Badly! I guess you know my dilemma at the moment. I don't know how to resolve this. Nor how should I go about it. All I know is, I need you!

My brain is telling me to stay. But my heart is asking me to resign. I'm not happy anymore! At first I thought, if I hang around, I might probably like it here. I thought I already do. As it turned out, I don't have enough reason to stay. No one gave me enough reason to stay.

Will a couple of months do? I'll just tie-up some loose ends then I'll be on my way...

Instinct

I'm committed!

Yet I can't seem to find the security I need.

I'm not asking for a lot. I just want to feel loved and cared for.

But that's not what I'm feeling.

Call it paranoia, I prefer to call it instinct.

I can't seem to shake this feeling off that something is happening.

Something that will eventually hurt me.. Deeply.

My instinct is usually right.

This time, I hope I'm way off target.

I hope...